Your days are numberd

I have decided that since sitting here and stressing about this whole situation is not exactly making me any thinner, I will rock the man’s world just as much as mine has been rocked. I shall not wait for a time when it is convenient for him, I shall go ahead and be as inconsiderate as my heart pleases. Who the hell doe he think he is any way and why the hell should he go on and on all chirpy while I stress?????

I am so angry at him right now I could blow.

I'm just waiting now for a time when he will most probably be home for lunch and throw him with the most terrible of question ever for lunch time : do you still love me???
I have responses ready for either answer and even for if he asks to talk about it later. I will be firm and super mean on the phone and HE WILL CALL later or ELSE!!!!
Its enough now!

Ps: I do fully realize that this line of talking could result in me being single this December but hell so be it. If that’s what is meant to happen then oh so bring it on. I refuse to go through this summer with uncertainty and heart brake. I will be sad yes but relieved more.

Ok here it goes:
12:15 ring…ring…ring (no response) damn.

12:30 ring… ring…ring (still no response) eish.

Oh have no fear. I will find the man and I will turn his world upside down.
The way I see it and the way I'm feeling now, the man has two choices:

• 
  either he says he doesn’t want to be in this anymore, I give him hell and introduce him to irrational me who he has only heard about in my crazy stories and I ensure that he understands how far my reach goes then I let his sorry ass go while I realize that I was so out of his league anyway and that with out me his life will spiral into an empty existence.
• 
  Or he says he still wants to do this, he does still love me, I give him hell – tell him that he needs to shape up or not waist my time with little mood tantrums and attention seeking stunts. He will bring his part into this relationship because he promised that he would and will have to make a huge adjustment into most things. Then as a way forward addition, we will give each other a whole lot more space and try work on our friendship.
  

I am sick of this and I refuse to take any more of it…

12:45: ring ring ring… (nothing) now I'm even more pissed!!!!

(he is out there having fun in the sun while I worry and write damn blog posts about how much I hate him!!!)

Ramblings...

I seem to have picked up a rocking thing that I do whenever I think about him. It manages to make me feel better.
I wanna hurt him
I wanna hurt him way much more then he has hurt me all those times.
I feel like such an idiot.
Thinking that this time would be different for some strange reason. I feel so stupid for giving him another chance to hurt me. Mmmm I wonder if he planned it. Must have I mean for the first 6 months he does all that I want and need. He is extra nice, he calls, he buys me things and does the family thing then bam with no warning, no nothing he breaks my heart and all this after he had gotten me to sell my soul for him.
*to-and-fro*
Cant believe I fell for this again…
I must really be slow or something, I mean who gets their heart broken twice by the same person in the same manner.
He has to pay. I have to get him to pay again and again. Once and for all he has to pay.
I think I'm going to stab him

.... mmmmmmmmmmmm............ lol

I'm writing this to you because I am hoping that I will make some sense of this…
How many times will he carry on to make a fool of me and I just lay back and take it. I think its enough now don’t you? But now, there is no way I can just walk away without some sort of something mean being done. Question is - what? How do I start and make sure it really messes him up. Here I was all worried that the nice man was going through so much and oh my word I was not making it easy. Easy???? For him?????
Its my turn now!
I also want it easy.
I wonder if I finally have lost it… turned psycho that is cause if I have then I fully embrace it.
You made me let down my guard. You said you loved me and you would want nothing more then to be with me forever. You wanted me to be the mother of your kids. You went ahead and told people about us and encouraged me to do the same. I told my family, I told my friends and showed it all to the world that I agreed to be all you want and so much more and now you think you can just drop me like that…lmao
You honestly have me very confused and I am very sorry but I think I may have deceived you. You once said you were afraid of me and wow now you have good reason to be – I'm coming after you – with everything that I have. I'm going to play the victim card for all that it has and I am going to call on all the contacts and added parents that I have in all the correct places and I will take you to the cleaners. I suggest you pack your bags cause I'm kicking you out – this is my place and I refuse to share it with people like you.

Now i know but question is... "what do i do about it"

hola...

the past few weeks have been crazy - filed with pain, hurting and a whole lot of tears.
see, my other half has bot changed for the better. instead he has gotten worse and it dosnt look like its going away anytime soon.

so me being me, there i went on a mission to find the issue and sort it out. i spoke to friends and him and it wasnt till this passed sunday that the tiny spek of light appeard in this long dark tunnel i've been in for too long.
i have a friend and she was diagnossed with depression a little while back.we spoke a long time on the phone and as she went on to tell me all that she had been through before and directly after her dignosses, the more the tears just welled up and kept on comming.
see, all the things that she says she did and felt are exactly what my man is doing.
the more she spoke the more i realized that all the things that my bf had been going through are not because he was being an ass or something or maybe even that there i something wrong with me. my man is sick and cant controll his actions: he is depressed or atleast at the begining stages of it.

i know this and have been reading up on it. thing is, he dosnt know that that is what is wrong with him (to him, he is a worthles individual who is not good enough for me or anything).

so now, the question remains "what do i do about it"
"try and help him!" i hear you shout?
well how cn i when he makes it so dfficult for me to se him and i dont wnt to talk about this over the phone...

i cant carry on like this

This is not what it is supposed to be like and frankly I'm sick of it.
See my love, the idea was that because you exude this fee spirit and relaxed attitude, you were supposed to gel with me and hopefully rub off on me so as to complement my free spirit but it seems like I have had the rug pulled from under my feet cause hell this is crap.
What is this with you and all the hidden issues? There is no way I can compete with your past esp. since I know nothing about it and even now, about 6 months later, you still refuse to let me in on. For a man who has it in his head that I'm perfect for him and you want to marry me, you sure have a very funny way of showing it. I will not thrive on hidden agendas and secrets that I have no idea of.
Its already bad enough that I come from a world completely parallel from yours and I have every desire to understand and learn about your world but I cant walk around in the dark no more – you need to let me in and guide me at least for the first time.
I would like to believe that I'm the type of woman made of that really strong tuff that can take and handle a lot but its times like this when I know I have reached my limit.
I cant carry on like this and its time I let you know.

The "S" word

it has been a while...

i was brought up under very stict religious beliefs that have now also become my own beliefs so yes to a lot of people's jaw hanging response: I DO NOT BELIEVE IN SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE.

at this current moment, i am 22 years, 3 months and 7 days old and yes i have nevr had sex before (have come close a couple of times but...). please do not be confussed by this. i would like to think that even in my state of being clueless, i am very in touch with my sexual side.

i bring this up at this moment because my boyfriend and i got down to discussing the finer details of this subject. i do not look at this as an impedimant on my side cause i fully undersatand my reasns for waiting but ofcause with all unknown things, a certain level of nervousness comes along and all these questions pop up.

i have no doubt in my head that this is the man that i want to marry and ofcause that means he is the one that i want to loose it to as well but i can help feel a little pissed at times imagining the traumor that come with that first time. all the what ifs and maybes.

• what if im not good at it? (ok sure time will tell and expiriance will come with much grater enjoyment) but
• what if i dont enjoy it at all? (well then i wouldnt know what its supposed to be like so ziltch disappointment) but
• what if its terrible for him and he becomes misrable all his life?
• will it hurt that much? (having read up on all bilogical things that should take place...)
• what if cant stand being with him intimatly like that.
• what if it gets all embarrasing and awkward? (well i have made it clear to him that he will have to be gentil with me considering my verginity)

he goes on about how he is looking foward to our honeymoon and all im thinking is - heck i can so wait considering what i am about to go through.

people... this is the kind of thinking that will ensure that i loose it.

plese excuse me while i go slit my wrists.

The Art of Fab...

So as routine wuld have it... there i go falling into a rut of total bordem and suicidel (as per my deffination) actions.



so i have decided: today is a new day and i shall treat it as such. i have a couple of things that i need to set and keep in motion to ensure the succesful transition from the glossy-eyed teenager to the young adult that i am that oozes fabulesness (wow that sounds wierd).

so it begins:

• Daily mission to so rock the world everyday.

think about it - we all go around following this and that. i think its time i did my thing and let everyone follow me for once... (makes perfect sense to me)

• Bigger commitment to lough out loud.

think about it - it seems that we spend far too much time frowning and complaining about things that we cannot change - enough i say (LOL)!!! no more. from here on i hall LOL instead of lol... (see the diffrence?) (wow - feel better already).

• Love a lot more harder

this applies to all the people around me. it goes from my mn to my family and to friends. see the thing about this love thing is that the more of it that you give the more you get inreturn (not nessesarily from the person you gave to initially). my man has been amazing and at times i dont know how to thank him in a way that he would realise how truely awesom he is so inreturn to all that he has done for me, i shall love him a whole lot more (includint the other people around me)

for now, these are the objectives - one step at a time right. so there you have it.

have any of your own?

im coming

ladies and gentelmen, after months in the making i would like to introduce you to: ME!
this is the me beyond the fear. this is the me over the insecurties. this is the me that would love to do it all and can/will and this is the me that has my boyfriend singing my praises to strangers.

its been a long time comming. i have spent so much time all angry and hurt and upset and stressed and afraid - notice how all these things dont really pronote good health and total fabulousness.
i have built a wall around my loved ones and i have broken millions of my rules. i have allowed issues to go to bed with me at night and wak up with me - not healthy.

so with today being the first day of spring all the way this side: welcome to me!!!
(over the next few days, allow me to take you on a journey of my life, love and all the inbetween)

2 friends got engaged recently and my boyfriend seems to be more in love with me then i thought possible. i fel it, i see it and damn i want it. love him too much too.

I think this is it

a while back, i went on and on about how it seems like im just stuck. stuck at the Job. stuck at home and stuck with life in general. it felt like i had reached the roof and there was nowhere left to go but down where i would finally become like the masses - tiered and watching life move on while i sit on the side lines. that i would become part of the majority people that are doing life simply because thay have to and who simply go through the motions.

but i think thats changing. for the past couple of weeks, my senior seems to have taken me under his wing. he invites me to all these meetings for a new project, he fills me in on the progress and emails he gets regarding that project. its shoking yes but i think my potential has shined through and he has seen it. as we speak (write), im preparing for a presentation he has tasked me with - he has never and it is kinda exciting.
i'll fill you all in on how that is going.

on the love front well... i dont know.
little by little i'm learning of what a diffrent child hood my man had. from where i am, it seems like a troubled one (if i may say so). he tells of how he has had to fend for himself and how he has been his own parent for the longest time. his mom is around yes but thats jusr how it was... i on the other hand come from a family saturated withlove. i can skip a day out with the girls to chill with my mom and she and i laugh and joke around about everything. i have both my parents and i have an amazing relationship with them.
we are two parellel people and we are trying to get something going.

dont get me wrong.
im not saying its impossible or that im throwing in the towel but i am recogniseing the instant challenges that that posess. i realise that some of the things that are the driving force behind me (like family BBQs and weddings) are not his thing not because he is being funny but because he dosnt know of such things. the things that i may want to do that involve family, he find uncomfortable because he knows nothing of the sort.

with all that said - it just makes me want to love him more for for the longest time i was looking out for someone who would fall in love with me and not some idea o me or because of the things that they see and think i have. i have come to hate people who meet my parents, love them and from that decide they love me for hope that they can be part of the family. then here he comes, realises we are from diffent backgrounds, realises the challange he is walkng into and stll fall in love and wants to be with me...

how can i not love him...
this, ladies and gents, is it - my life finally takes off (a bit shaky at the moment but i know it shall be smooth sailing soon)

Could it be that I'm that type?

Ever noticed how these woman that appear to have it all - how they all have a major flaw in common? All their romantic relationships suck...like mine.

for a 22 year-old, i like to think that im pretty comfy. i have a grate job, with the potential to grow. i have grate parents lus an even more amazing relationship with them. i have an ok ircle of multy friends and i have the envey of my peers who view me from far and think i have it made.

everything is all rosy exept for one thing: my love life.
i seem not to be getting it. i seem to always mess up and that fear of messing is creeping up. could it be that im maybe not cut out for a relationship? also my bf is worried that we seem to have lost our connection... says he feels like he is not myfriend anymore...
is it posible that when we made the move fom being friends to lovers, somewhere there i lost the plot?

what do i do..... hummmmm what the hell do i do now...

touching ground...

hello to yu all
i agree its been a while.

at one stage my life seemed to take off and never stopped and now finally, i have hit the ground in realizing that love, life and everything else is not as hunky-dorey as we would like to believe.
appart from the fact that my waight seems to be recruiting more fat to make an even tighter and bigger community, my love life has too started speaking a language i was not taught.

i dont know: what is it about men that makes them inapable of saying it when they hae issues or when something is bothering them. they go around saying that they are all good yet their actions speak an totaly diffrent thing...
he is doing that pull away thing again after i have told him in my most calmest voice that hate it with the biggest passion ever invented/felt for anything. i dont know...

today is our 4 month anivesary and things are awkward. when he gets in this state of mind i just dont know how it is that im supposed to react. i have decided and accepted yes that this is a part of him that im gonna have to live with. that every once in a while he will get into major shut off mode but question is: di i back off and give him space? do i ignore it and carry on as normarl? do i b**** and moan about it or do i simply just ... i dont know!!!! does he even realise that he does it?

hu!!!

signs...

i dont know.

maybe that is whats finally happening.

i think finally after years of hectic love struck love, im finally getting over it - only a little though.



i have been in love with Gary for the longest time and i was/am convinced that he is the only man for me and that i will be happy only when i'm with him but lately...


its strange but i find that im not so obssesed about him as before.im a lot calmer and need him less. there are days when im so comfortable with not calling him and him not calling. i have no issues with going the whole week without talking to him and wel have even stopped expecting that i will see him during the wekend or even that he will call me up to make plans (he has never).
i have this idea that now that he has me back, he has switched off all the romance or whatever it is that has men calling every moment and them having all those goo goo ga ga names for you. funny - cant even remember when he last said he loved me first...

the strangest most wierdest part of it all is that - i aint even super upset about it. if theman dosnt want to then hell wh the hell would i want to convince him other wise right...

at this moment, for all i care, the man that had me convinced that forever exists can wither up and... DIE (metophorically)

The 3 P's of Love

ok ok so having read through the first 2 chapters of the book (Act like a lady, Think like a man) i have a couple of things to check through.

The book discribes what it calls the 3 P's of love: Profess, Protect & Provide.
while reading through them i couldnt help but check What Steve Harvey says against my man.

let me brake it down:



PROFESS: when a man is in love with you or is serious about you he will have a title for you. these are titles such as baby, my woman, my lady, my girlfriend etc. these are the titles that he will introduce you to people using or put it in some conversations just so to convay the idea that he is with someone and that you are taken. he will show this in public and will actually even take the effort to introduce you to everyone. HE WANTS EVERYONE TO GET THAT BOTH YOU AND HIM ARE TAKEN - BY EACH OTHER

MY MAN:

well thats where it all started. its like he went out of his way to get my attention by doing these little things not limited to private settings (like the time he took off my heels when i complined that my feet were killing me. he went down on one knee in front of everyone and he took thm off for me). then things got even worse when he was campaining that we try again. after church service, he would be by my side. he would save seats for me next to him and pull me closer when hanging out with his roomies. these things of cuse would not confuse a passer by as to what was going on between us. not that he would say it out laud but i would like to take that as his way of doing it esp. cause its not limited to one time. besides, he says certain things that claim me as his. his actions are screeming louder then his word.

Result: PASS (with flying colours)

PROTECT: as in the animal kingdom, a male will at all times protect his own. men are brought up to know that he should go to all lengths to protect his own. his family shall not be thretened and he just sit back and do nothing. at times even though it seems like there is not much he can do, he will do something. its in his make up, its his place. if he trully loves you, he will protect you.

MY MAN:

now this was a little dificult to do. finding where he does this that is. see the thing about that man of mine is that he aint no fusser. he does not get worked up over anything and he will not over react to anything. he stays calm and will just walk away. just as i was starting on a new bout of depression, it hits me. there was and incident once where i suppose he failed to kep it together and nature took over. remember the event with my friend? thats when he got all crazy. yeah... thats it. back then i was not with him yet i suppose he felt the nedd to claim over me and protect me from potentials. then there is the little irritation he showed when i kept telling him about some dude who just wont leave me alone. so the man does love me. and even though at times he may not give in to showing that he wants to protect me, he does...!!! lol

Result: Pass(scraping through)

PROVIDE: now a man will provide for his own. his natural role is being the brad winner. be the one who will make sure that everyone is taken care of. this means he wil pay the bills. he will pay for dinner or the movie ticket or whatever needs to be taken care of. this oes not mean that he has to be rolling in ti. even when he is broke he will find ways to provide. maybe fix something of yours that is broken or even call in fvors with friends when you need help with something that he cant do.

MY MAN:

UM UM UMM. this is still something we will have to work on with him. look he does do the movie ticket and all and yes he isnt exactly rolling in it. he does though get the things i like when i come over like once in a while get me that slice of chocolate cake or even a slap to share. thats all rosy and all but i would like to keep an eye out for this just to find more proof.

Result: Re-eveluate.

CONCLUTION:

he may not be perfect and he may not have it all but one thing is for sure - he oes love me. at times i dont get what level he is on r what is going on in his head but love me he does.

i suppose its not that i needed some book to prove that. i think i spent so much time worried and looking out or all those obviously visible huge things that i missed the real, from the heart smaller things. one of the reasons im still around after all the drama and tears i have been trough for this man, is ecause i cant imagin my life with anyone but him. as much as it at times freaks me out to hear him talk about future us the one moment and nothing the next, the one major thing is that he loves me and i just need to trust in that.

Personal note: baby, i may be a little psycho at times but deep down know that i know that you love me. for all that and a bit more you may do unknown to me - THANK YOU.

"Act like a lady, think like a man" by Steve Harvey

so i saw show on Oprah last night regarding this book and i was immidiatly hooked.

it seems that there is so much that we woman just dont get about men and there is equaly so much about woman that men dont get.

im at a place where im very confused as to how my man's mind works and i would love nothing else but to sit him down and explain to him how much all his strange behavier is totally throwing me off. i mean take for example - he will call and just listen to me talk. when i eventually get to a pause after telling him a mouthfull and ask what he wants to tell me, the answer i get is : nothing!!

now dont get me wrong or anything - i love the man but sho he sho is a piece of work to figure out.

AS BASED ON THE COMMENT I GOT ON THE LAST POST:



we are brought up to believe that love like in the movies exists and that is what we should hold on to and settle for nothing less. just like Snow White's Prince, he should give it all for us to the extent of kissing our dead lips and declaring undying love to our dead self. and also just like Shrek, he should let go of all the stigma on how he feels about certain things and consider only the fact that he loves us. but we seem to miss other really grate important facts like:



1) the Princess loved the frog so much that she kissed it regardless of it being a frog and

2) it was Beaty's love the broke the Beast's spell.



you see, as girls, we should be willing to give just as much as we are getting - even more at times. the male species is not made with this "read mind" gene that we expect and just as much as we at times feel unsure, so do they.



this man is teaching me so much. he is helping me remember that i am me and i am an individual that exists and existed before he came along.

you see the thing that made sense to me was dropping everything for him. what made sense to me was being at his back and call at all times should he require. i mean after all my girls could not give that slight butterfly-in-my-tummy feeling that he had seemed to master.



the insanity of all this only hit home near our brake up when he coldly said that it seemed like i wanted things to move really fast. that it seemed like i wanted to skip all steps and immidiatly be at the inseprable stage. as hurtful as it was to hear that, it also opened my eyes to the fact that all the things that seem to fall into place in the movies was not the same thing in real like. thathe is him and has his own way of doing things.

in a future blog i shall lay out all the things about him that are... him

The Art Of Pace:

Don’t know if its issues that I have or if its general, I have a thing whereby I just want to spend most of my time with him. Even though I am well aware of the fact that I could smother the poor man, I still have that huge need. I think the thing about us girls is that we tend to fall hard and very fast all at once that we tend to sometimes skip a couple of the essential steps, like giving him the opportunity to miss you (maybe that would explain why there are so many articles on this very topic in woman magazines. Someone out there who has figured it out is working hard to stamp it in our minds).
You know mos what I mean. Waiting by the phone every night with bated breath just waiting for it to ring and be him telling you that all he could think about was you (all those lies that we girls at times want to hear).

Well here I am stuck with a man who knows these are lies and what’s more will not even entertain them. I mean the other night we had this huge discussion on that Gerald Leveret song “Mr too damn good” where my man felt why would he want to lie to me so much by telling her that he would my “stars and my moon, the smile on my face, be my favourite tune…” or even “be our everything, your everything”… huh hu hu can you believe that!!!

Ok ok so that’s a new topic on its own. Back to the one at hand…

I used to get so upset if like two days went by without him calling (and I don’t wanna call cause I was the last one to call and with a sense of pride, don’t wanna seem like I'm sitting around waiting for his call which I am but he doesn’t have to know that). I would then get on some “oh he don’t wanna talk to me today! Is that it?!”
Then I would do what every sane woman does in situations like these, call up the girls and moan about it…
Then after some jumping around and a whole lot of performing, finally decide to ignore him like the plague and make him suffer like he has made me suffer.

Then, on a simple afternoon while with a bunch of other people, he calls. Tells how his day was, asks how mine was. Tells me he misses me and that he just wanted to say hi….

You see – all I had to do was wait.

By going ahead and living my life the way I have always and doing the crazy with my girls, not only do I not scare him away by crowding him and making him feel like my world revolves around him, and by experiencing a whole lot of other things to tell him about later but I also allow him time to realize that I do have another part of me, an even exciting one that he has to work really hard to be a part of. When we do get together to do whatever, he does make sure I feel all the love… a whole lot of it and once again on my planet of dramas, there is peace and calm until a new storm of happenings rolls in again…

I think i'm getting the hang of this...

so there i was at the beginning of this thing on some new level on the who's and how's of my reborn relationship.

there was a time when it seemed like we both were fooling ourselves for believing that we could give it another shot, i mean i went through moments when i could have sworn that i could feel nothing from his side anymore. then he would not call for a while and i would loose it.

but all this, at the end of this semi hectic time frame, has taught me that i still have a whole lot of individual growing up to do. you see, the thing about us girls is that once we meet that guy we think is our "soul mate" we get into this movie like state where we have to spend every waking moment with them. where they have to at all times be telling us all these amazing things and not get enough of us and think we are way better then their mothers. that is so wrong.

see the thing that all those intelligent people have been trying to say is that you have to have a life of your own outside the "we", that way you have so much more to give to make the "we" even so much better.

i mean think about it for a moment. if you really were to spend every waking moment then hell would you not bore each other to death? even worse, would you not run out of things to say?

i say all of this cause this is a new lesson that i have been taught.

he didn't call for a while. he didn't sms. me of cause lost it and claimed that he had stopped loving me for good. when he finally did call, all he said was a lousy "hi" and turned down my offer to come over. i. of cause was crushed and ready to find me a rebound until we had one of the most romantic dates ever where he held me close, kissed me and proudly showed affection in public. yeah yeah so i fell in love all over again...

so you see.

after this eventful happening (lol) i have decided to focus also on other parts of me like try school again, finaly get my hobby off the ground and loose some damn weight then when we do spend time together, go all out and slowly but surely allow im a place in the many dimensions of me...

the one that got away

there are times when it seems like my life is from those really bad sopies...

so i ever-so-clearly hinted to Shaun (ex) that i was seeing someone else. its like i had slapped him hard and told him i hated him. the look on his face - which of cause he tried hard to hide - was one that i had never seen. as i took him to his stop, he turned to look at me and softly said "I'm really happy for you"

then he went on about how it makes him genuinely happy to see someone he LOVES truly happy and that he could see he glow on my face.
now there something that i have never been able to understand with some of the guys that i have dated. look, i have had my fair share of people braking up with me because they have things and issues to ix up before they get committed into anything hectic. now, me being me, choose to leave because i know i deserve full commitment but not with out putting my emotions on the line one more time...
i ask: "should i wait for you?"
the reply: "no please don't for i don't know how long all this is going to take"
the reaction: heart brake like you cant imagine and a wonder as to how i could have been stupid enough to think that i could have gotten it right this time...

now the confusion comes in when i finally tell them that i have moved on (this comes from previous experience fro hearing that an ex i was still madly in love with had moved on and was in fact getting married on that very day that i heard about it. a not so very nice or normal person took it upon themselves to tell me so they can see my hurt reaction - which i too tried very hard to hide.) they all act like i have slapped them or cheated on them or something.

i got so upset, when a couple of day later, Shaun msgs me to say that he wishes he could kiss me just one more time. i got upset because what the hell does he want from me. was he not the one to brake up with me? was he not the one who was on a soul searching mission and was he not the one who positively said that i should not wait for them?
when i finally confronted him, he admitted that he was still in love with me. i told him that i don't want to hear it and that i had moved on and was committed to making this new thing work. (if he still is i love with me and hung up on me like i was on him then why the hell did he not ask me to wait for him? why the hell did he brake my heart when he still wanted it?)

I'm clear on where i stand and unfortunately for him i shall remain.... "the one that got away" because he let me.

when he tells me he loves me...

Finally!!

its not that i have been sitting around just waiting for this but sho it feels good to have it finally happend. last night.

it was more of a statment i must say. he said it in a way that sounded like it was the most ntural thing ever. it gave me a super good mood kick.

this time it feels diffrent. this time it feels good. i am loving every moment of re-falling in love with him.

look ok ok i admite not everything is all rosey onmy part. yes i am constantly freacking out and always on the look out for patterns of his past behaviers and even though i may say nothing to him, inside my own personal wars where i totaly freack out.

was i even sane to want to give this another shot?

was i just fooling myself for thinking that i could get over all the past things?

will it ever get to a stage where everything will be at an equal again?

Try Again

Is it possible to be happy the second time around?

YES: now that we have an idea of what happens when one is away from the other, shall we now work hard to make sure that that doesn't happen again? I would like to believe that i am much older this time around and believe that the time away could have been what was needed.

he still looks at me that way and he still makes me laugh yesterday, i sent him a questioner of things he had to fill out about me. i was surprised at how much about me he knew. even though i spent half of my time worring about what i should do and if i should do it but i feel like this time around there is a better sense of what the other is about... i feel the intimacy growing and I'm a better kind of open with him. he promised to bring his part and admitted that he too was scared but would like to give it another shot. him saying that just made it all ok.


thing is i don't need for him to say that it will be prefect this time around or to tell me that it will work because honestly how the hell can he promise that. i also don't need him to tell me that he will give me the world or even that he will marry me cause that is just not a guarantee that he can give me. for me the fact hat he said he would try is so enough for me.

am i being naive?

so much for a grate year....

it seem like once this year took off... there was no turning back

i have just been so caught up ... ok ok and a little lazy to write nything - but then again what is there to write when your life has reached the low that mine has.

so in the past couple o weeks i have found out that the people around me mostly have me aroun just so they can take something from me. now this is in the form of my time, advice, transport, friendship and sometimes even money.
dont get me wrong, the above is ok for friends because thats what this friendship thing is all about but now the problem comes in when all they do is take and take and take till i just dont have nymore to give.
i believe the process works this way: just as much as i am there for them for everything (ie: man trouble, complains about their crappy life, the occational treat to ice-cream when they need it, the boring hangout and the grate hangouts etc...) i expect that they also be here for me.

instead i get the constant reminder that im not like them and that i have a perfact life (i mean can these people not see my despret craving for a man who will love me for me and not what i have and the constant battles with the extra weight that i carry around and my unbelievable need to leave this place like soon). i look around me and should i ever have a brack down and need a shoulder to cry on, there is actually no one that actually would come thorough because hay remember - i have a perfact life.!!!
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this is not how it was supposed to be. this is not how i had imagined my life would be like when i finally do turn 21. come to think f it, according to my life plan, i am to get married next year to that man who loves me unconditionaly. i was supposed to have a huge circle of friends, have an amazing man be in the proces of leaving home and basically have a blast. my friends and i would have that amazing friendship that would be envied by many and whle the group would be tight, it would always have room for one more. we would have this amazing support for each other and while at times we may never fully understand the things gin on it each otheres life, we would always be there to provide a helping hand in whatever at all times (sometimes even to the extent of driving all night just so we can maake it to Heather's interview in another province)
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instead i sit here with a feeling of being used. i sit here feeling like the only time they even remember that i exist is when the need something....

Rocking into 2009 with a bang!!!

2009... wow. i turn 22 this year. man im getting old!!!

so as promissed let me brake down a couple of things that i walked in to 2009 with.

SHAUN: remember the thing was that come the 31st December, we would brake up? well our relationship flurished and we seemed to be more and more in love with every passing day. we spent the holidays together, finding time to be together away from families and friends. we spoke for hours at a time and had the most amazing make out sessions. everytime i would bring up the 31st he would clamp down and ask that we not speak about it then... came the 31st and in an sms, he told me how he felt. that he loved me but had things to do on his own. that just totally crushed me and took my breath away for like a minute becauyse of the realization that i was loosing the man that has reintrodused me to love.

i saw him on new years and we spoke things through. he was serious about what he wanted but not sure. that was reason enough for me to drop it and walk since he did have doubts.

now a couple of days in to the year and he has sent me mails saysing he misses me and that he loves me... but thing is, us ending things made me realise that i didnt really love him. what i was in love with was the fact that my idea of love exsists and he had reinstated it. i cried only once over the brake up but then the truth became so clear...

that i never really got over GARY

there were things that gave that away and i wonder if shaun or gary picked up on that. things like how i could talk on and on about gary to shaun but how i would feel so bad whenever i had to mension shaun to gary. i remember the time i told gary that i was seeing shaun - the look in his eyes broke my heart and i felt guilty about it for the longest time.

thing is the day he sat me down to explain thngs to me and i understood what lead up to our brake up, everything just made perfact sence and whatever it is that i still held against him left. then when he told me that he still has a thing for me... even though he knew i was with shaun and said he was just telling me just so i know, silently he took my breath away cause for the longest time that is all i wanted to hear him say to me. that night i cried once again because of Gary, but this time it was not because he did something to hurt me but because finally the man that i secretly still loved a lot finally felt the same way with out doubts. i mean why else would he tell me all this even though he knows very well that i was with shaun

so yes - in a nutshall Gary is in the picture once again but only as a friend. i have friends holding thumbs that we get back together. he still looks at me that way and he still makes my heart beat faster. i have gone back to walking into church and looking for him first.

were all this will go or end up is a secret that this year is still holding tightly...

2008 - the year that it was

wow so i started work today and im still tring to wrap my head around the fact that we are now in 2009. looking back at 2008, i must say that it was.. ah.. something.

Career front: i became more settled in a job that i started late the privious year. i made my mark in this industry that i had no clue about. i mad good contacts and am at an ok place although roiom for improvement and more knowledge is still very much strongly there.

personal

wow a lot happend here. first and so much stronger than the rest is the huge post brake up with Gary. for most of the year i spent it in limbo wondering and hoping that there will be a sequal to "us" and trying almost all things to ensure that there is. i had so many nights where i cried myself to sleep and so many that craved for his touch. then came the hate that had me leave town for a while. as the year went on it got better though because slowly but surely i got over him and moved right along. thats when i meet shaun. now this was something.
he totally in a space of a couple of days flipped my whole world upside down for the best. man now this was something. with him its like all the things in the movies that got me all looking foward to being in love, he did. the foot massage, the taking me to go see his favorite spots, the talking for hours about everything... the works. i loved being with him and everyday i found new reason to love him more. the way he kissed me.... that was something and always took my breath away.
while i was enjoying that... gary got serious and sat me down to explain a couple of things. things such as why he really asked for us to be over and just the emotions he was going through at that time. through this so many things fell into place and i got closure on a lot of other things. we after talking for hours realised that we were going through the same things, like how he would also wait at church, holding his breath waiting for me to walk in. (i did exactly the same thing). then he explained why he loved me and reasons why he thinks i would make the perfact wife for him. then at the very end, he told me that he had fallen for me all over again (yes the very thing that i wished he would do all year long but now i was with shaun who at the time seemed to be more in love with me than i was with him) that night i cried once again... (i shall write a post just to explain all this more)
then there was the drifting apart with my childhood friend. now this hurt because i could see it happening but could do nothing to stop it. we didnt fight or anything but it seemed like everyday, our intrests changed and completly contrasted. then she got back with her ex and i was the last one to find out. that hurt like never before.

then there was also the realisation that i am no longer a kid. my relationship with my parents became much stronger and they seemed to take me as an adult as well.

then the 31st happend and shaun and i broke up on new year's eve.

shooooo what a lot.

now here i am, well into the swing of 2009 and already things are hapening...
i shall follow up on the details of all this in the next post...