Random Thoughts

its amazing how through bad expiriance and hard leasons we are able to adapt to whatever it is that we have to.

it has been a couple of weeks now and i have been going sterdy but strong. in the last 2 weeks or so, i have spent a some cash on vemping up my wordrope and i must say that even though most of the stuff is still stuck somewhere at the back of my closet, i am proud of myself.

next i want to fix up my car. in those few weeks i have travelled a lot and found new areas i am going to be going back to for sure, so the way i see it, i cant have a strange looking car with funny sounds. so now with my next pay check, a large sum of it is going into fixing up my ride and adding on a few extra new features.

then there is the proof that i have found that says " this girl has walked away"
i once again was in the season with Gary and he did what he always does when he has no other bimbo to turn to and once again realizes how appealing to him i am. last week he flerted like no one's business and even called just to chat. then on a very cold day, he made remarks about how it would be nice to share a blanket with me in this cold weather (ok ok i admit, the thought of that had me blushing) but nope... it did not have me caving in like so many times before. i simply laughed it off, flerted a bit in return but left him hanging. the next time i saw him, he was brief with me and made no long eye contact like he always does. i see him again tonight and i wonder what he will do. wow i must say that it feels grate though to finally not be feeling bad that he left me. i see the way the man looks at me when i'm straughting my stuff and i would give a bit to know what he is thinking although actions do speak loder than words. wow i am finally free and it feels grate.

i wonder if the time that i am taking off for the healing will end some of the trust doubts that i have. will there ever come a time when i will not compair every little new expiriace to the scaring that Gary has done. let me explain:
well remember i told you about meeting a certain guy....? now we shall refer to him as SAM. thing is, despite what i or he may say, there is a huge attraction between us and yes when we are around each othere the sparks do fly buy with every thing that he says or does i am left wondering if he is for real. no i am not saying that he should be all googoo ga ga over me or anything but you know the little things that he does only for me. i was with him this past weekend and he kept laying the flirting on very strong but each time i kept pushing him away that at the end he gave up... i know, i know.

im sitting here wondering if i should explain to him that im a mess at the moment. yo i have started that email so many times but each time i keep finding just reason why to just leave it. yes i am bottling up and not ready to open all that up to him as yet.

ok ok enough of the gloom...
i hope things do sort themseves out with time though cause yo... this is not a place i wanna be at!!!

Its been a while...

wow its been like ages since i last updated... so if you give me a minute i will try put everything in a post...

1. the case with Gary effect on me has finally progressed in to the walk of shame (for those nasty emotions) and i know for a fact the i am getting over him beautifully. i have noticed that this hot and cold times that he goes through are like part of him like for example the one moment he will be flirting terribly and then the next he has completely switched and is as cold as Alaska???!!! so well anyway gone are the days when that made me feel strange and all upset and feeling like its all my fault because i ain't good enough.

i am now at a point where i acknowledge that i still like him but dint want him back and i am so sure about that. to the extent that i think i have become immune to most of his attempts to flirt or get my attention. wow it feels good i must say.

about a week or so back a good friend who left town like a short while before Gary happened came to visit and we had this catch up session where i told her all that has been happening with Gary and while telling her the whole story i realised that shoo it has been a lot and i didnt know how the hell i was able to go through all that. i mean telling her was like recapping a movie or something cause it seemed so unreal. looking back, i never thought i would get to this stage where i am ok with all and i can now look at him and think "damn he is hott" but want nothing at all. the urge to want to impress him with looking hott when going to church has also started getting cold. nowadays i feel like a new woman...

i feel like a new woman because i have taken up an oath to look hot simply because i am. i don't wanna wait for occasions anymore and i dont want the reason to be a man anymore but simply because i can and i want to.

2. i met a guy! he is perfect. he makes me laugh and is amazingly honest.

we met a while back and at first i didn't look at him that way. he tried flirting and i wouldn't have any of it. but as time went on he grew on me esp cause from the first day he was so honest with everything even on things that he really did have to tell me but he somehow thought i had to know.

through a lot of phone conversations and emails we have established that we both are not ready for anything at the moment and we decided that we would keep in touch. he commented on how much he wants to know more about me. (that gave him like a million points. i mean you tell me which guy in this day and age still wants to concentrate on those small things?)

we went out about a week back with his other two friends and i had such a good time. he did the things that only the guys in the soppy movies did and he made me feel amazing. at the end of the evening he totally blew me away with a kiss and i still am tyring to catch my breath...

... then in a very nasty twist of events that kiss which had me flying high, opened up so many wounds that i just started to go insane. all of a sudden, i was doubting everything and his intentions. he didn't call or sms or email and i just got flash backs of Gary. when he did finally email, he seemed distant and cold just like Gary and i went in to a fit of deleting all his contacts and i wouldn't listen to the voice of reason from my friend.

that whole experience just went to show me that i was extremely hurt and that the statement that i was not ready was real and deep. its like i expected him to act like Gary and i just seemed to want to mess things up. well luckily for me i didn't say anything stupid to him so he doesn't know that i lost it at one point all because of the kiss.

things are back to normal now and last night we spoke on the phone like old friends.

i like him and i wanna keep him around. i wanna do this right and when i finally go exclusive with him - if it gets there - i want it to be right and away from traces of my past betrails.

i believe that i can get there and am optimistic about it.

i also want to get rid of the habit i have to want to push things along. it seems like while I'm looking at moving on to the next step i miss so much of the current one and hence don't enjoy it as much as i should be.

shoo what a lot... I'm thinking i should stop here...