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This is ME!!

So who am I?

Well i'm a strong, young, beautiful, sucessful black woman who is just tapping in to what she is able to achive in life. i LOVE love and everything that it comes with. I am loud and at times rude. I am confident and believe i have a responsibility to those close to me to make their expiriance with me to be the best ever and leave them wanting more. I believe in making lasting memories, wheather it be good or end in something bad - they all serve to shap my future and out looks on things.
I am dynamic and 3-dimentional. Iam sexy and hott. Iam free and i am under control. All of this in one word:

ME!
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I am human...

I am human...
...according to me...

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Randzo
johannesburg, gauteng, South Africa
i am a fun loving, almost 25 year old who is tring to pin down this thing called life (but with some bad luck it keeps escaping me - the good stuff in life i mean). i laugh loud and cry hard. i love food and enjoy talking. i love meeting new people and hanging out. just started working so even that is something i'm tring to get used to.
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My all time classics...

  • giving him something he can feel - En Voug
  • diggin' on you - TLC
  • Me, Myself and I - Tamia
  • Smile - Tamia
  • Let it flow - Tony Braxton
  • Sexual healing
  • Cater to you - Destiny's child

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Your days are numberd

I have decided that since sitting here and stressing about this whole situation is not exactly making me any thinner, I will rock the man’s world just as much as mine has been rocked. I shall not wait for a time when it is convenient for him, I shall go ahead and be as inconsiderate as my heart pleases. Who the hell doe he think he is any way and why the hell should he go on and on all chirpy while I stress?????

I am so angry at him right now I could blow.

I'm just waiting now for a time when he will most probably be home for lunch and throw him with the most terrible of question ever for lunch time : do you still love me???
I have responses ready for either answer and even for if he asks to talk about it later. I will be firm and super mean on the phone and HE WILL CALL later or ELSE!!!!
Its enough now!

Ps: I do fully realize that this line of talking could result in me being single this December but hell so be it. If that’s what is meant to happen then oh so bring it on. I refuse to go through this summer with uncertainty and heart brake. I will be sad yes but relieved more.

Ok here it goes:
12:15 ring…ring…ring (no response) damn.

12:30 ring… ring…ring (still no response) eish.


Oh have no fear. I will find the man and I will turn his world upside down.
The way I see it and the way I'm feeling now, the man has two choices:


  • either he says he doesn’t want to be in this anymore, I give him hell and introduce him to irrational me who he has only heard about in my crazy stories and I ensure that he understands how far my reach goes then I let his sorry ass go while I realize that I was so out of his league anyway and that with out me his life will spiral into an empty existence.

  • Or he says he still wants to do this, he does still love me, I give him hell – tell him that he needs to shape up or not waist my time with little mood tantrums and attention seeking stunts. He will bring his part into this relationship because he promised that he would and will have to make a huge adjustment into most things. Then as a way forward addition, we will give each other a whole lot more space and try work on our friendship.

I am sick of this and I refuse to take any more of it…


12:45: ring ring ring… (nothing) now I'm even more pissed!!!!

(he is out there having fun in the sun while I worry and write damn blog posts about how much I hate him!!!)

Monday, November 23, 2009

Ramblings...

I seem to have picked up a rocking thing that I do whenever I think about him. It manages to make me feel better.
I wanna hurt him
I wanna hurt him way much more then he has hurt me all those times.
I feel like such an idiot.
Thinking that this time would be different for some strange reason. I feel so stupid for giving him another chance to hurt me. Mmmm I wonder if he planned it. Must have I mean for the first 6 months he does all that I want and need. He is extra nice, he calls, he buys me things and does the family thing then bam with no warning, no nothing he breaks my heart and all this after he had gotten me to sell my soul for him.
*to-and-fro*
Cant believe I fell for this again…
I must really be slow or something, I mean who gets their heart broken twice by the same person in the same manner.
He has to pay. I have to get him to pay again and again. Once and for all he has to pay.
I think I'm going to stab him

.... mmmmmmmmmmmm............ lol

I'm writing this to you because I am hoping that I will make some sense of this…
How many times will he carry on to make a fool of me and I just lay back and take it. I think its enough now don’t you? But now, there is no way I can just walk away without some sort of something mean being done. Question is - what? How do I start and make sure it really messes him up. Here I was all worried that the nice man was going through so much and oh my word I was not making it easy. Easy???? For him?????
Its my turn now!
I also want it easy.
I wonder if I finally have lost it… turned psycho that is cause if I have then I fully embrace it.
You made me let down my guard. You said you loved me and you would want nothing more then to be with me forever. You wanted me to be the mother of your kids. You went ahead and told people about us and encouraged me to do the same. I told my family, I told my friends and showed it all to the world that I agreed to be all you want and so much more and now you think you can just drop me like that…lmao
You honestly have me very confused and I am very sorry but I think I may have deceived you. You once said you were afraid of me and wow now you have good reason to be – I'm coming after you – with everything that I have. I'm going to play the victim card for all that it has and I am going to call on all the contacts and added parents that I have in all the correct places and I will take you to the cleaners. I suggest you pack your bags cause I'm kicking you out – this is my place and I refuse to share it with people like you.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Now i know but question is... "what do i do about it"

hola...

the past few weeks have been crazy - filed with pain, hurting and a whole lot of tears.
see, my other half has bot changed for the better. instead he has gotten worse and it dosnt look like its going away anytime soon.

so me being me, there i went on a mission to find the issue and sort it out. i spoke to friends and him and it wasnt till this passed sunday that the tiny spek of light appeard in this long dark tunnel i've been in for too long.
i have a friend and she was diagnossed with depression a little while back.we spoke a long time on the phone and as she went on to tell me all that she had been through before and directly after her dignosses, the more the tears just welled up and kept on comming.
see, all the things that she says she did and felt are exactly what my man is doing.
the more she spoke the more i realized that all the things that my bf had been going through are not because he was being an ass or something or maybe even that there i something wrong with me. my man is sick and cant controll his actions: he is depressed or atleast at the begining stages of it.

i know this and have been reading up on it. thing is, he dosnt know that that is what is wrong with him (to him, he is a worthles individual who is not good enough for me or anything).

so now, the question remains "what do i do about it"
"try and help him!" i hear you shout?
well how cn i when he makes it so dfficult for me to se him and i dont wnt to talk about this over the phone...