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This is ME!!

So who am I?

Well i'm a strong, young, beautiful, sucessful black woman who is just tapping in to what she is able to achive in life. i LOVE love and everything that it comes with. I am loud and at times rude. I am confident and believe i have a responsibility to those close to me to make their expiriance with me to be the best ever and leave them wanting more. I believe in making lasting memories, wheather it be good or end in something bad - they all serve to shap my future and out looks on things.
I am dynamic and 3-dimentional. Iam sexy and hott. Iam free and i am under control. All of this in one word:

ME!
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I am human...

I am human...
...according to me...

About Me

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Randzo
johannesburg, gauteng, South Africa
i am a fun loving, almost 25 year old who is tring to pin down this thing called life (but with some bad luck it keeps escaping me - the good stuff in life i mean). i laugh loud and cry hard. i love food and enjoy talking. i love meeting new people and hanging out. just started working so even that is something i'm tring to get used to.
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My all time classics...

  • giving him something he can feel - En Voug
  • diggin' on you - TLC
  • Me, Myself and I - Tamia
  • Smile - Tamia
  • Let it flow - Tony Braxton
  • Sexual healing
  • Cater to you - Destiny's child

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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

HE Called...

So how am I supposed to feel now?

We had a braai (South African BBQ) this weekend with a couple of friends and Gary was there. I have been stressing about it for the whole of last week because I just didn’t know what would happen. Would it be awkward or would it be grate. So but anyway it happend and I am glad to report that it went well. He was there and so was I and we even got time to talk.
This talking now was different because we laughed and joked just like it was before all this drama started. I remembered all the things that I loved about him and he did the whole playing with my hair thing (which I now know that he never realized he was doing it). It was so cool and I really enjoyed it.

Then we nearly kissed...

I wanted to so bad. I wanted him to hold me like he used to and kiss me. I wanted him to tell me that he wants me back and that he has not thought of anything but that ever since he dropped me and beg me to take him back. Thing is I could feel that he wanted to as well. But we were stuck between the “should we or shouldn’t we”. The way I was feeling - even if it would have not meant anything I was supper craving his touch… his kiss. But finally he took a step and looked into my eyes, pushed my hair braid behind my shoulder and said “lets not complicate things…” hu……. Ah….

Man!! Eish. But it was cool. I got where he was coming from and I simply told him that I would see him around and I walked away… that is when my troubles started.

I got home and was in an ok mood. Knowing that the attraction was still there tends to put a high on someone’s mood. But then I woke up the next morning and I missed him so much. I just wanted to call him and say dude I still love you like crazy but I didn’t want to mess it up. (thing is I have a hunch that part of the reason that we ended was cause I kind of suffocated him and didn’t want to have that happen again. So I would keep my distance) this proved to be equally as hard as climbing Mount Everest. I wanted to be with him so bad it hurt. We had a family thing in the morning and came back later. But the feeling just wouldn’t go away so as always me doing things without thinking them clearly first I picked up he phone and called him (but of cause I thought of something to say. It wasn’t that major but at least I would hear his voice). But then he wasn’t home…
Damn!!
I tried two more times and realized that I had to stop else his roomy would think I’m a psycho. Thing is I know he is not the type that returns calls so that just made things even worse for me. Man I missed him!!

Time went by and soon that desire subsided mainly because I was worried that I would come across as a mad chic. I got a couple of books out and got reading and soon I felt better.

9pm and I got ready for bed… yes depressed as hell. Then………….
The phone rang…
It was him. We spoke on the phone for like more than an hour or so and it felt good. We spoke about our past relationship and even though we didn’t declear our undying love I did manage to get some peace from a million other things that I once didn’t get and hated about him. A couple of things regarding our brake up were cleard and I must say that I feel so much better.

I’m glad he called!!!
Wait that’s not even the grate part – thing is he called!!!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Explanation....


so i finally plucked up enough calmness to go speak to Gary.


:-\ he says it was all a joke and that they didn't think that my guy friend would take it seriously. the real story (regardless of all my secret wishes and hopes) is that one of his friends has been going on and on about me and everytime he knows that Gary will see me (we are in the same church) he would send messages like "tell her i said hi" or "pass my regards to her" so the guys thought it would be supper hilerious (and intresting in their messed up boring lives: according to me) if they got me for this guy.


now what gets me upset all over again is that why the hell would he sell me to his friends? i mean what comes to mind for me is "well guys i am done with her so who wants to go next"

i know that sounds crazy but think about it... would you help one of your friends to get your ex? isin't there an unspoken rule that you stay away from your friends' exs?


huuuuu! well i played it quiet well and too bad for me that Gary is not you avarage guy (thats why i fell for him so hard).

what happend is that i called him aside to ask about the whole thing. now as if something was working for me (or could it have been against me) but i have alergies so under some types of weathers my eyes tear on their own accord. so as we steped out my eyes reacted to the weather and as i was speaking to him (rather calmly might i add ) there was a tear running down my 1 eye and no matter how hard i tried it just wouldnt stop. so to him it looked as if i was crying abd because i was so calm it really seemed like i seriously was upset. i told him that i was diapointed in him and i thought that by now he would have an idea of what i'm all about. so all this time with me sounding all serious this tear just kept flowing strong and hard. then i looked in his eyes and said i was sick and tierd of being angry then, in my most hurt sounding voice, asked " how much more am i supposed to take from you?" then i walked away.


sho now that was intence. now i expected him to be all woried and realize that he has hurt me and want to make it up to me and all and that when he got home and call me but well like i expected deep down and just like his charactor - he didnt. you know sometimes i wonder what is going on in that mans head.


but either way i think i learned something from this whole thing: Gary dosn't care for me in a way that i would expect someone who says they love me to. he has never and there is no way he would start now. if in some twisted way he does then it is not in the way that i want him to.


in all the things he has done since we broke up 6 months ago (yes it has been that long: trust a woman to keep track) have just proven this point to me over and over again - how he dumped me then say he is battling to get over me, how he kissed me and told me that it ment nothing and shouldn't have happend, how he failed to just take me aside and say "i am sorry i broke your heart", how he has carried on to look at me that way and show a hint of jelousy when i'm getting on with other people and now finally this little stunt - i mean i guess i was right to ask "how much more am i supposed to take?"

Monday, June 16, 2008

IDIOT has done it again

why is it that some people have made it their aim in life to be good for nothing cows who seem to only live to make other peoples lives as messed up as possible

so this weekend i get a call from a very good guy friend of mine and he tells me that he had visitors come to him at work. the visitors: Gary (my ex) and his friends. he says they calmly walked in and told him that he should stop running after me like a love sick puppy because i am taken and unavailable to him. this friend of mine says that Gary was doing the talking but was implying that i was taken by one of his friends. when this friend mensioned that he would ask me about it they said that there was no need to involve me in this thing. it was between them guys only...

so now you please tell me how i should remain calm. why the hell does idiot
and his friends think its their place to scare all my friends away?
tell me was it not him that dropped me? now that i move on then he has a problem with that. i just hate the way that he has made me look. it makes it look as if i cannot be controlled and i have to have someone keep me in check. and besides this friend of mine is not after me... we are just friends and thats it.
man i am so upset at the boy that i am starting to see red all over again. what i do suspect is that one of of his friends is after me but what i cant get over is why the hell is Garry helping out!!! is he selling me to his friend. why the hell does he not tell his buddy that we were together? or are they trying to pass me on between them?!!!
i have been thinking about it all weekend and i just cant seem to get to an answer. thing is i cant even bring myself to ask because i am afraid of the answer i will get - yes as you have guessed i have a secret longing for what i hope the story is behind the whole issue.
i'm hoping that Gary is behind the whole thing because he has realized just
how big of a mistake he made and now wants me back. but the thing now
is that he dosnt know wher he will start because he is the one that dropped me
and now notices that that there is someone else featuring around my planet
and dosnt want nothing to ruin his chances once he finally goes for it.
ahhhhhhhhhh. now that gives me a little smile!!!

Friday, June 13, 2008

i wonder...

so i'm hosting a girls only supper in a couple of days.

i wonder how that will go.

so how am i doing?

well i'm ok. you know its strange how the one day things seem like they are the worst and that nothing will make it better and you just wish that the earth would open up and swallow you whole (i say whole so that i won't have to live through the pain of being bitten in half first). then on the very next day, you wake, get a shower and flash yourself a smile in the mirror and realize that damn you look good!!!

i know it sounds vain but that little thoght goes a long way.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

....who cares....

how possiblw is it that your suppressed thoughts can one day all of a sudden come up and bite you in the butt?

i'm sitting at the office doing some file updating admin stuff and it suddently came to me that i have been going on and on with wanting to show Gary that i have moved on and am much happier (while of cause secretly wishing that he would brake down and tell me that he wants me back), and wanting him to realize what a grate chick i am and that he let go of gold when it all hit me that maybe he let go of me because he realized that i was boring and that from far i actually give off much more than what i really have.

i mean it just dosnt make sence as to how come all was fire hot and then just went to iced like over night?

you know when i would discribe our relationship i would tell my friends that it felt like it was mostly like lust because i would want to always be with him. he would touch me and literaly i would get goosbumps and my skin would tingle. he kissed me even lightly and it was an instant turn on.

could be that i smotherd him? did i not live up to his expectations?
was i a fantasy that became boring?

what?! why?! when?!

help... anybody...


over the past few months i have done and gone through emotions and actions that i never believed were in my capabilities. I'm the type of person that hates holding on to things that have no value and dwelling in the shadow of things that cannot be changed. everythime something happend that hurts me or made me feel angry - i have either delt with it and moved on or accepted it as is and moved on - either way it all resulted in me moving on.


tell me - why is it that we at times hold on to things that from another point of view come across as not worth it?

My ex broke up with me and totally fliped my whole being upside down. i have tried countless times to get over that yet some how i just keep failing. this is one person that has managed to expose me to pain like i have never felt it and to refute my whole ever so famous statement that i am in control. i took drastic steps because of him and spent too many nights crying me to sleep...


he walks into the room and i still weak at the knees. he carries on with his own issues and i still sit there wondering if i ever cross his mind. he laughs and has a good time while i still long that he would call and say he failed to move on away from me....

why do i do this to myself?




the above artical is well writen and made me laugh. its true what the lady says but i have come to sadly realize that even thogh it may make sence to move on -our emotions do not always get that. is it because they know better? is it because they can sence the other persons emotions and keep us holding on because there is some sort of hope?


i hate the fact that i still look twice when he walks by and the fact that i still have all these memories when it comes to him. how do i stop it.

isnt it supposed to be that the first step to recovery to to admit that you have a problem? i have admited it but i aint getting ant better!!! instead i think i'm getting worse and have built up this new desire to want to have him back. do i? is it the emotions again?


what am i supposed to do now?

Monday, June 9, 2008

... realization...

so tell me does this thing called real love exist?

its just that i am holding on to this idea of a guy that i would like to meet. someone who fits in well with me. someone that will make me feel exclusive - you know someone that will want me and me alone. he would want to saty with me simply because i am the best version of me that there will ever be. he would totally be commited to me and allow me to take care of him without being freaked into thinking that i want to tie him down or something.
we would enjoy being in each others company with no expectations and we would get on so well that he would also become one of my best friends and we would share everything.

does something like that even exist?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

* um... title... um...* (oh hell who cares)


remember i said i met a guy...


how is it possible for some men to be so clueless? its not normal. ok ok look its not like i'm looking or anything... its just that this guy made such a huge deal with wanting to have a private word with me. i mean everytime he would see me he would go on and on and on about how he wants to talk to me (this ofcause had me jumping up and down with joy because he was acting like a school boy who fancied me which is flatering). as a way to brake away from my tendency to push people in to doing things (because i believe that we should get going on things because life is too short to porspone it for tomorow) i let him take his time and come to me.


he first asked what i thought of him and i told him that i think he is a grate guy and that i like him (note i didn't go into detail as to what type of like this is). he lets it hang and tells me that he cant carry on over the phone and that he will make time caue its not his thing to talk these things over the phone.

so ok i let him make that time and act as if i'm not in a rush or anything while inside i hate the fact that he is taking his time. so anyway it finaly happens two nights ago. he sends me an sms asking if its important to know urself before you start dating someone and i reply that yes because how do u expect someone to know you when you dont know urself...


all good and marry then last night he lets it drop...

over the phone he says to me that he dosnt feel like i feel for him and that he is just getting to know himself. i stop him right before he carries on and ask him what the hell is he going on and on about? he says well i told him that i like him so he just wants to stop me right there so that we dont confuse what we already have!!!! i calmly tell the boy that he is the one thats confused beacuse i didnt mean that i like him in that way.


ok ok ok honestly i did but now to have him say it like i went after him and him getting some kick out of it well hell no so i did what we girls do best - turned it around to make him feel bad for it (which he should be for leading me on like that) i mean i did think he was nice and he is the one that would come up to me to start a convo. i corrected and told him that i didnt mean it in that way and reminded him that i did say that i was not looking (i did tell him that at one point) because i just got out of something i took as intense. yo u should have heard him go on and on about how he now felt like an idiot. he said he felt so bad for taking it that way and that he would not be able to face me. i told him that i had no issues and that he should take his time and get over it and he knows where to find me when he is done.

that will teach him!!!!...............

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

some random thoughts for you...

why is that we as woman tend to hold on to the things that hurt us the most? i mean think about it.
someone hurts us and we go on and on about it without realizing that we are only making the pain imortal. we tell girlfriends and anyone else who is willing to listen. why?dont get me wrong... i fully believe in talking about things because that is one way in which we heal but why carry on and on and on...?

i have recently learned a new and intresting art. Walking away.walking away from from whatever bad expiriances. walking away from anger and hate. walking away from people that do not recognize your worth and those who have made it an art of theirs to trample you down. this walking away is not an easy thing because it involves so much but is all worth it at the end of the day.

it invoves 1st: FORGIVNESS! not only towards the ofender but towards yourself as well. from a movie i once watched "when someone hurts you, they take power over you and when you dont forgive them they keep the power" - diary of a mad black woman. therfore when you forgive them and yourself you satrt to feel so much better and forget - the forgetting is what we want.
2nd: REALIZATION: realization that it has happend and there is nothing you or any one can do to go back in time and change it. why kill yourself further with all the could haves and should haves? the fact is that you didnt so move the hell on. what this person did or is doing is beyond your controll. what is in your controll is how you react to it and that is the key to your own happiness. also realize that some people are just not worth it. if they could hurt you in this way then maybe you should start evaluating how much this person cares abuot you. if they dont then hell - walk away with your head high!!
3rd: UNDERSTAND: i have seen in most cases that understanding why a person is behaving in a certain way goes a long way at releaving the pain on you. is this person lonely? are they going through something? things like that... dont make the mistake though of understanding and taking it to much. if ther is no hope then hell walk away.


FOLLOW UP ON LAST POST:


so my path of weight lose is a hard and brutal one. how the hell did i expect to do this while i have this long and good love affair with food. i love my food and unfortunately am not so big on the being active part of life. the fact that i now drive wherever i want to go has not done much to help out either. in the research that i have done i have found that in order to loose weight, the amount of calories going in (through food and drink) should be less then the calories going out (via exercises). in order to maintain that weight then this in and out value has to be equal. so you can imagine: for someone who loves food and is not so big on excising the result becomes huge me!!!


but well i guess i should just push it till i get it off and work on keeping it off or simply maintaining it to a minimal growth!

Monday, June 2, 2008

Its gotta come off

i currently sit at 64 kilos and i feel like a truck.

with no offense to those that are trully huge... but i cant walk around being this big. in fact i dont feel like i'm walking, i feel more like i'm waddling around. i cant carry on like this. the sad thing is that i like the weight gain in som areas like (beilieve it ir not) my hips and on my butt but thats like it. my tummy is huge, my boobs masive (i dont even want to consider geting new bras cause i know i have gone up a cup size) and yet there is still worse - my cheecks are massive. now thats another thing that i hate -the fact that when i gain weight, my cheecks are the first ones to give it away cause i walk around like the cat that muched on the bird. or like i have some food saved up for later. i am huge.

i have to make a plan and fast. how the hell am i supposed to make lasting statements when i dont like the way i look i mean really.
so will let u know end of the week how it all went.