goosbumps...

21/11/2008
as we speak (write) he is on his way back and i see him tomorrow.



so yes as you have guessed i have a million crazy thoughts and ideas going through my mind and it is driving me insane. at the very top (just as my luck would have it) is how huge i am.

i say luck because these days, it has come down to whether i feel like exercising or not but it always is a yes to an extra serving and the idea of a good take out meal tonight.

ok so i am as huge as a truck but he loves me right so he should not be able to even tell the diffrence. the plan is to blow him away completely and make it seem like it was unintentional. thing is i meet him after work and take it from there.

24/11/2008

yeah it happend and yes i did blow him away.

he saw me and was asking how my collegues treat me at wor and if he should have a little talk with me cause maybe they bother me - looking all hot and all.

we had a great time. the one thing that i like about him a lot is the fact that we can talk for hours and hours and still have like a million things to talk about. we had an early supper and talked. then we sat in my car for a long while and we talked. i accompanied him to his transport and we talked. now that im here i should mention how i absolutly love it when he holds me near and kisses me. he then tells me that he loves loving me and he loves me a lot.... (uh hu... u can just imagine the goosbumps that i got around this time). we carry on kissing and he tells me that he told one of his older sister about me... (ok like fear) and mensions a lot about how he wouldnt mind spending the holidays with me.

had i had anymore doubt that he loves me... well after this one on one, i am very sure. i love being with him and even though i have promissed that i will not think anymore of it while my friends keep sayn it, i cant help but agree that the 31st may not happen after all. but well i only allow me to think about it for like 2 seconds only.

this is insane

it has been 8 days since he left and he is due to return in 12 days

i feel like im going insane cause he aint around.

its strange how we wnt from sort of friends to lovers and the transition is good. i love every minute with him and when this thing ends on its set date... i shall walk away with 1) restored hope in true love and 2) a life time of memories from the guy who said he loves me and showed it.

i have decided though that when this does end on that set date... i am bowing out from the dating game for good (well at least untill i cant hold back). thing is, im thinking, how does anyone ever top this? is there something better than this? i mean little by little he is turning in to what i have been looking for and what better way to end it than with a very near encounter (to my defination of love?)

my friends keep on comenting on how it will not end but i dont want to set anything that high for fear of the long free fall. when push comes to shove, what i shall do is tell him that i am madly in love with him and that if his heart is still in it then i want to let it go further but if his heart is not or if he exibits any sign of doubt then i walk away.

will i get over him? i doubt it.

its crazy how perfact this feels.

its insane who comfortable this feels.

whatever happens on the 31st od December 2008... i will either way have moved in the perfact direction to a better, bigger and definatly sexier me!!!

Guess who's back...

life is sweet...





i just came back from a week's leave and i gotta say that it was good to get out of the city for a while.





there are new things taking shape in my life and i'm loving the change.


i went away with a kinda-new friend and i must admit i felt a little wierd about taking her and being in her company for a whole week but yo the fun i had was price less.


we spoke, laughed, moaned (as in complain - so not what you are thinking) and we did all the stuff that girls do...





then at a moment when i thought that things could not get any better than this, my man (oh sounds good to say that) says those three words in that tummy knotting order. the words are "I" , "LOVE" and "YOU"


i promiss you, for what seemed like a life time, my world stopped and everything seemed ok. then well of cause, as with all othere things in my life, i started to panic and completetly came up with the craziest of reasons as to why he could have not meant what he just said....





as insane as it was, i had three friends try to knock some sense into me via phone calls, sms messages and physical contact. i mean i was on the verge of deleting his numbers and moving to Alaska or something...





im much better now and i have spoken to him recently and he said things that assured me of so many fears that i had bubbling up in the background.


he asked of me a very huge thing and even now im still trying to get used to it...

he asked me to please TRUST him



those of you who have been following my love woes will now that this is a huge deal for me. i feel so bad that he is the one that has to suffer the effects of a cirtan good for nothing, energy consumeing, uncaring idiot who failed in love and only succede in the ratlings and misfortunes of my love life.

i still haven't said anything back to him in the sence of those three words but i have this feeling that he understands even though we have not spoken about it.

what gets to me though is how the hell all this is going to play out on the 31st of December when the time for us to brake up comes... confused? well read this: HOW CRAZY IS THIS

Gotta get back to work... ciao

I'm singing in the Rain!!!

i look around me and it seems like most things (and people) are just falling apart but not me...

dear fans... it has finally happened

I'm content

its amazing how when a huge part of your life becomes balanced so does all the other stuff. i'm crazy about the new man in my life. i love every little inch of him and i love the way he makes me feel.

in about a weeks time he leaves to go to another area to go do his vocational work. im a little sad but not worried.

he has mentioned the word love and me in the same sentence in a couple of his mails and i am loving that.

i walk around with a huge grin on my face hoping and wishing that all could last forever.

we went out this past friday with a couple of his friends and a friend of mine. i had such a good time. i love the way he notices me with subtle things like at this one moment he and his friend were trying to decide where we would go have supper and while they were talking, he comes up behind me and wrappes his arms around me - now that gave me such a high. he is absolutely amazing.

plese excuse me while i go sing in the rain...

Is this man for real?

so it has been like only a few days and this man has done amazing things that are driving me insanely into him like big time.

he sent an e-mail today to inquire about weekend plans and he referd to me as his love... i dont know how long i just steard ant those words because they made everything ok...

i cant help but compair all that he does to what Gary did during our 4 month relationship and i must say that in less than a week, Sean is winning hands down. i love the way he is taking the effort. we speak everyday and the other night he said he has a rose that he is looking after for me. says he cant wait to see me so he can give it to me but in the mean time he hopes that it will grow to resemble my beauty....

(yes that took my breath away)

he seems so unreal but im loving every moment im spending with him. he is sweet and kind and willing.

how crazy is this?

SO i woke up Saturday morning, a single, semi indipendent woman looking for nothing in the field of love and dating and went on with my daily activities.



THEN i went to bed Saturday night, an indipendent woman who was in an amazingly grate relationship with an amazing down to earth man. i had now become sombody's girl friend and he loved it.



HOW IT ALL CAME ABOUT? well remember that guy i told you a while back that i had met - the one who wants to know what my favorate colour is - well he now is my man and im crazy about him (we shall call him Sean). a bunch of us went out for pizza saturday afternoon and the conversation got heavy when we talked about relationships. well the guys did not agree with the things i said but at the end we all agreed that they were complecated and how we all were cool with them for the time being. then this guy went on on how cool/crazy it would be if u could get into a realtionship and decided that on a cirtain date you would brack up and walk your saparate ways... now i thought that was totally insane and so funny. he then gt serious and looked into my eyes and said we should give it a shot...

after a while of getting logic and the voice of reason to shut up and stop screaming "run away fast" i agreed and bam i have a man. this is a relationship that will end on midnight wednesday 31st december...

ever since then i have been on an amazing high. he smsd and referd to me as baby and my heart skipped a beat. we talked on the phone and he referd me as his gf and it felt so good.
i wonder how all this is going to pan out but what i do know is that Seaun and i have to cram as much of a blast as possible in exactly 2 months and 18 days...

i'll keep you posted.

Random Thoughts

its amazing how through bad expiriance and hard leasons we are able to adapt to whatever it is that we have to.

it has been a couple of weeks now and i have been going sterdy but strong. in the last 2 weeks or so, i have spent a some cash on vemping up my wordrope and i must say that even though most of the stuff is still stuck somewhere at the back of my closet, i am proud of myself.

next i want to fix up my car. in those few weeks i have travelled a lot and found new areas i am going to be going back to for sure, so the way i see it, i cant have a strange looking car with funny sounds. so now with my next pay check, a large sum of it is going into fixing up my ride and adding on a few extra new features.

then there is the proof that i have found that says " this girl has walked away"
i once again was in the season with Gary and he did what he always does when he has no other bimbo to turn to and once again realizes how appealing to him i am. last week he flerted like no one's business and even called just to chat. then on a very cold day, he made remarks about how it would be nice to share a blanket with me in this cold weather (ok ok i admit, the thought of that had me blushing) but nope... it did not have me caving in like so many times before. i simply laughed it off, flerted a bit in return but left him hanging. the next time i saw him, he was brief with me and made no long eye contact like he always does. i see him again tonight and i wonder what he will do. wow i must say that it feels grate though to finally not be feeling bad that he left me. i see the way the man looks at me when i'm straughting my stuff and i would give a bit to know what he is thinking although actions do speak loder than words. wow i am finally free and it feels grate.

i wonder if the time that i am taking off for the healing will end some of the trust doubts that i have. will there ever come a time when i will not compair every little new expiriace to the scaring that Gary has done. let me explain:
well remember i told you about meeting a certain guy....? now we shall refer to him as SAM. thing is, despite what i or he may say, there is a huge attraction between us and yes when we are around each othere the sparks do fly buy with every thing that he says or does i am left wondering if he is for real. no i am not saying that he should be all googoo ga ga over me or anything but you know the little things that he does only for me. i was with him this past weekend and he kept laying the flirting on very strong but each time i kept pushing him away that at the end he gave up... i know, i know.

im sitting here wondering if i should explain to him that im a mess at the moment. yo i have started that email so many times but each time i keep finding just reason why to just leave it. yes i am bottling up and not ready to open all that up to him as yet.

ok ok enough of the gloom...
i hope things do sort themseves out with time though cause yo... this is not a place i wanna be at!!!

Its been a while...

wow its been like ages since i last updated... so if you give me a minute i will try put everything in a post...

1. the case with Gary effect on me has finally progressed in to the walk of shame (for those nasty emotions) and i know for a fact the i am getting over him beautifully. i have noticed that this hot and cold times that he goes through are like part of him like for example the one moment he will be flirting terribly and then the next he has completely switched and is as cold as Alaska???!!! so well anyway gone are the days when that made me feel strange and all upset and feeling like its all my fault because i ain't good enough.

i am now at a point where i acknowledge that i still like him but dint want him back and i am so sure about that. to the extent that i think i have become immune to most of his attempts to flirt or get my attention. wow it feels good i must say.

about a week or so back a good friend who left town like a short while before Gary happened came to visit and we had this catch up session where i told her all that has been happening with Gary and while telling her the whole story i realised that shoo it has been a lot and i didnt know how the hell i was able to go through all that. i mean telling her was like recapping a movie or something cause it seemed so unreal. looking back, i never thought i would get to this stage where i am ok with all and i can now look at him and think "damn he is hott" but want nothing at all. the urge to want to impress him with looking hott when going to church has also started getting cold. nowadays i feel like a new woman...

i feel like a new woman because i have taken up an oath to look hot simply because i am. i don't wanna wait for occasions anymore and i dont want the reason to be a man anymore but simply because i can and i want to.

2. i met a guy! he is perfect. he makes me laugh and is amazingly honest.

we met a while back and at first i didn't look at him that way. he tried flirting and i wouldn't have any of it. but as time went on he grew on me esp cause from the first day he was so honest with everything even on things that he really did have to tell me but he somehow thought i had to know.

through a lot of phone conversations and emails we have established that we both are not ready for anything at the moment and we decided that we would keep in touch. he commented on how much he wants to know more about me. (that gave him like a million points. i mean you tell me which guy in this day and age still wants to concentrate on those small things?)

we went out about a week back with his other two friends and i had such a good time. he did the things that only the guys in the soppy movies did and he made me feel amazing. at the end of the evening he totally blew me away with a kiss and i still am tyring to catch my breath...

... then in a very nasty twist of events that kiss which had me flying high, opened up so many wounds that i just started to go insane. all of a sudden, i was doubting everything and his intentions. he didn't call or sms or email and i just got flash backs of Gary. when he did finally email, he seemed distant and cold just like Gary and i went in to a fit of deleting all his contacts and i wouldn't listen to the voice of reason from my friend.

that whole experience just went to show me that i was extremely hurt and that the statement that i was not ready was real and deep. its like i expected him to act like Gary and i just seemed to want to mess things up. well luckily for me i didn't say anything stupid to him so he doesn't know that i lost it at one point all because of the kiss.

things are back to normal now and last night we spoke on the phone like old friends.

i like him and i wanna keep him around. i wanna do this right and when i finally go exclusive with him - if it gets there - i want it to be right and away from traces of my past betrails.

i believe that i can get there and am optimistic about it.

i also want to get rid of the habit i have to want to push things along. it seems like while I'm looking at moving on to the next step i miss so much of the current one and hence don't enjoy it as much as i should be.

shoo what a lot... I'm thinking i should stop here...

What now....

i must say that things are looking so much better these days. its starange cause the urge to call him is not as bad as it has always been whenever i decide to walk away. my heart does still mis a beat when my phone rings and i do have this secret longing to just know that he can see something is up and actually miss me. but its ok. i feel no funny tension towards him or anything. i joke around with him and thats it.

yesterday at church i got so upset at myself because...
i got there and i looked dashing, with a short skirt and killer peep toes and i felt grate but i walked in and he wasnt ther. man that was a bummer. when i realized how much this had changed my mood - it was an even bigger bummer beacuse i dont want to do that anymore. in theory, i want to be able to look good just for me and my secret admires and not mainly for him. he came later and i did catch him looking at me twice. but i'm glad the urge to call has subsided and soon will be a thing in the past.

something else happend...

i met a guy. i know i know that i said i had left the dating field but this guy did something unique. he noticed my eyes and said they were pretty. he asked for my pic. he is an engineer and is kinda cute. he has this nasty laugh though and i dont like the shape of his head but its not a train smash. ok ok he has me behaving like a love stricken teenager but that ok.... i think i deserve a pick me up and well what better way to get that them from a man who met me for the first time and noticed my eyes. we met like three days ago but he has already called twice to check up on me.

ok ok i'll stop right there.

Happly ever after is not real...

Letter:

Dear_____________

Wow where do I start…

As strange as it may seem but I believe in fairy tales… or at least I used to.

To me what has always made sense was the idea of happily ever after, you know the guy meets girl and falls madly in love with her. He shows her, as impossible as it may sometimes seem - that they belong together. She agrees and they live happily ever after.

Now I have let that idea go with me through life and it has helped me stand up and dust myself off and try again every time when I have had my heart broken. I say it may seem strange, because to many, something like that is impossible. In the tale, the man goes to all lengths for the woman who he loves and he falls in love with every little thing that makes her up. He loves the way she smiles and the way that she looks when she is upset. He falls for the way she gets so worked up over the smallest of things or the way that she cracks up at the most stupid yet insignificant of things. He loves the way she calls him like 10 times a day and never gets tired of it. When she is unhappy he becomes unhappy and when she cries he is always there to hold her tight and tell her that everything will be ok even though to him it may be so clear that they won’t. Life without her is an impossible something to him because he realizes that she forms such a huge part of his life to the extent that without her, he just isn’t. When she says “I love you” everything in his world is ok.

Many have said that something like that is simply what it is meant to be – a fairy tale that will never come true…

… Sadly I am beginning to see what they mean and it hurts.

I’m tired of dusting myself off because my dress has simply gotten too dirty for me to still hold my head up and carry on with no hint of bitterness.
I look back on the last couple of months and I notice how they have been so enveloped around this one man. I thought I liked him but that is simply an under statement. I fell in love.

When we turn bitter, it simply means that we hold on to this one bad experience and even though we may say that we are over it, we really are not. From that point onwards what ever happens along the same line will always be graded on this one experience and no one ever is able to change that. I used to feel so sorry for woman who let things get to that stage yet… I sit here today and I have let the very same thing happen to me. I have finally turned bitter towards men and I doubt if it will be changed or should I rather say – I doubt if I will ever allow anybody to change that.

I woke up this morning and I had this fantasy running in my head where a guy who has been seeing me from a distance for a while now finally approaches me and lays it all out in the open. He tells me from the get go that he thinks I’m amazing and that he now has gathered up enough courage to come up to me and talk to me. He says he wants to get to know me better. I smile. And he says that smile is something he has seen so many times and he has lost count of how many times he has prayed that I will flash him that smile one day…..

Reality hit and I remembered that I have sworn off men for life.

So here is a fairy tale situation that automatically played in my head and here is my heart screaming ENOUGH with a loud speaker.

Looking down at my worn, dirty dress (from all the falling and dusting off) and thinking of how difficult it is for me to find, pick up and put together the pieces of my shattered heart, I unfortunately now finally give up on my idea of a happily ever after and join the masses in saying…

Fairy Tales do not exist…


Signed: a member of the real world

this is hard....

Wow so the decision has been finalized – I am walking away and putting my mind on other things.

Yesterday I told my friend about what I was going to do from now on and she thought all I needed was a brake. When I corrected her and told her that I actually meant that I was done and no more, she went all out to lecture me on how I should not let the bad experience of one man totally ruin things for the real Mr. Right who could be out there. But you tell me – how the hell many frogs am I supposed to kiss till I get my prince? I’m sick of it. While defending and explaining my choice, I made some amazing points some that I had not even thought of before.

Its not that I am looking for the impossible here. It’s not like I have a long list of the things that I want from a potential partner and am unwilling to alter them for no one what so ever. Compromise is something that has always been a reality for me and I have exercised it to the fullest. I mean take Gary. The man is not a grate talker or an explainer and I have taken that in my stride even though to me the world makes so much more sense when things are explained and said. Then there is the fact that the man is in a form of unemployment and that was ok with me. I settled with the fact that I could never get those nice gifts or even be taken to fancy places. To even take it a mile further, I had no issues with paying for things because I understood and it didn’t bother me. If anyone were to hear that they would laugh in my face and have my head read. All the petrol I wasted on visits and the time I put in. then there is that other idiot who we shall call Aden. Now for him, I walked on hot coals. I had to put up with the most obnoxious cousin of his who was everything that I had come to despise of the human race flaws. She was like the personification of what I never wanted to become or deal with ever on a personal level. But because I had said I love you and meant it, I compromised all my pride and beliefs for him. I took that in my stride and I made sure that this cousin never felt the effects of another woman in her older brother’s life. I smiled and took it and even though it broke me – I knew that I was doing it for a good reason. Then there was the tendency that he had to lash out on me whenever he had a bad day. Man now that was something. But like a loyal woman to her man, I took it and accepted that this was his way of handling issues. I also had to compromise my dream of a man who would love me enough to even make sure that the people around him who had anything against me would have to deal with it because I am what he wants and I make him happy so whoever else had to just pick a number and shut the hell up. He didn’t. Instead I had to fend for myself and keep on proving to those people that I was on their side with a whole lot of but licking and kissing.
Should I carry on?

Look I am not saying that I am perfect or anything but like I have done so many times before I would also want someone who would be willing to take me warts and all even though it seems like he should be walking… no running in the other direction. Does such a person exist? I don’t think so and well unfortunately I am sick of looking and getting bashed every time. If he is then well he should go try his luck somewhere else because I am so tired of broken hearts. I have run out to glue to put it all back together again.

The problem with me is that I love hard and I always give my best and most with my relationships with others and well unfortunately when it comes to men, Gary has thrown it all back in my face for the last time and I am done.

I saw him yesterday and I was just neutral with him. Greeted him with a smile and made small talk. Nothing special, but the same usual things that I would talk about to any old, random person. We laughed and I moved on to other people and I was just myself. Now like I have said in the previous posts, I made sure I was hott but not going over board and not for him or anyone else but for me. Later he sends me a massage saying that he is not sure if he should be doing this but he thinks I look fabulous that evening.

Now two things passed my mind:
1. What the hell does he mean that he should not be doing this….? I guess he was thinking that by the complement, he was giving me some hope and giving me ideas that I think that he still has this unbelievable interest in me. Nope I don’t. That truth dawned on me when he said he was deciding whether he wants to be with me or not. To answer his comment I would loudly and boldly have said that well he is right – he shouldn’t have. I don’t want him looking me at me like that and that he should keep comments like that to himself because they make me sick. But I didn’t. I simply replied back with a “thank you.” The way I see it, I silently walk away because I believe I have made a fool of myself for too long. From here on he will have to work to get my attention because it is gone.

2. How dare he complement me. All the other times when I went all out and I looked dashing, he said nothing. All the times when I made sure that I looked good for him he said zilch, leaving me feeling stupid for getting all worked up and dressed up for nothing. I went out of my way to impress and wow him and all I got were all these comments from people who I didn’t want to impress and now that I have been humiliated he wants to? While on top of that he adds on an unsure note of whether he should or not.

Man this man is full of it.

emotional wreack

Ja so I finally messed up… but… I think it was for the better.

After spending my whole Saturday afternoon at a braai where Garry was too I finally lost it. He showed nothing my way (ok ok ok just one stolen look) but besides that – nothing. No sign of emotions nothing. In fact I got more attention from someone who was not there who called to say they wanted to chat to me. I mean really. He acted the very same way that he did back then – a couple of weeks before he broke up with me. So I panicked and it drove me crazy. Later on I had to take a couple of people back home (they live at the same area as him) so after they went in, I called him and told him I was right outside his building and he didn’t seem excited. He simply said that I can come in if I want. Man that just broke my heart. I mean there I was and all he could say was come in if I want? I told him it was ok and I started my car and left. But on the drive home I just knew that I couldn’t take it anymore because now I was panicking that once again I have been played for a fool by the same guy- again. So I called him and had the talk with him. I asked where we stood or what did I mean to him. I told him that I know he said he wasn’t ready but I need to know that I am not holding on to nothing. I need to know that he won’t wake up one day and realize that he doesn’t want this and once again walk away, leaving me to pick up the pieces. He said well if I want to move on then maybe I should because he can’t assure me of that. He says it was not his intention to lead me on…
(um I wonder what gave me the idea that there was something more there? Gee could it be maybe when he was on top of me kissing me? Or wow could it have been maybe when he pulled me on top of him and held me close into a passionate kiss? I wonder where I got that idea…)

…and what he was trying to do was get to know me better. He says the first time around he got with me simply for the fact that he wanted to with no further intension but he hated the fact that we could never talk for as long as we were doing now. I asked why he didn’t tell me this and he explained that he wanted to see the real me and not just what he wanted to see. He thought he was doing it right this time but it seems like I want things to happen now and unfortunately he doesn’t want it to be like that.

Once he explained that, I understood and I felt so much better but he seemed so disappointed and when I asked if I had messed things up … he said yes kind of. I also asked if he was giving up on me and he couldn’t give me a straight answer…

Wow. That hit hard.

I just kept quiet on the phone. I didn’t know how to go on from that. I just went blank. He sounded so disappointed and it hurt because it seemed like I had blown the whole thing to pieces and…

… and the fact that he wasn’t trying very hard to make me feel better was not helping. He didn’t even hu… he didn’t even try to… hu!!
He simply said well that’s who I am. That it was part of my personality.
The fact that he said I can move on if I want… well now that was something. Sho!!! Wow

I think I’m done.
I feel like we just are not on the same page. Its like we just don’t understand each other. And its like when it comes to him, I just totally loose it and I do the craziest of things. When I think on the conversations we have or the way he makes me act – I hate it because I seem like the women that I have come to hate. I come across as needy and pushy and I hate it. I like him so much and he knows that but it is just so complicated and it drives me insane.
I want him to be googoo gaga over me and I want him to fall for me hard. I want him to even though he doesn’t have it figured out but to at least know that he wants to be with me. I mean he told me that he is not sure and that he was still making his mind up but how the hell should that make me feel? I mean look there are a lot of things that I don’t have figured out myself but telling me that – even though it is supper honest and I appreciate that from him, it doesn’t make me feel wanted and loved. Do I have to put up with that?

Strangely though I finally cracked and I confided in a friend and she was happy but honest too. We haven’t been friends for long but I value her input and she laid it as is. She said that even though its not here place to decide and conclude but the way she sees it and the way she knows me – she thinks that I can do much better than that. She says she thinks I deserve much better and that she doesn’t think Gary will do me justice (well now isn’t that strange – he isn’t)



I woke up this morning and I wasn’t upset or sad or anything but I was just ok. I saw him yesterday and I was ok. I smiled at him and greeted. I cracked a couple of jokes and well I looked smashing. He through me a couple of looks and it was ok (I can’t stop the man from admiring perfection).

Look – I’m not upset or anything but I wish it could have worked out differently. Time is long over due and I think I’m taking the high way. He is still deciding if he wants to be with me or not and that’s ok but I can’t stick around especially if he could decide that he doesn’t.

Pity though is that while I walk away from him and this ridicules situation – I also walk away from this dating thing. From here onwards I want to carry on looking smashing and carry-on with my other interests. I know I have said this a lot of times but… at least I now know for sure where I stand with him – he told me so.

Hello... I'm home

“Knock knock….”

Knocker: Knock Knock….
ME: who is it?
Knocker: Knock Knock
ME: (quite irritated) who is it?
Knocker: its me. I have been gone for too long if you cant even remember that I live here.
ME: (in a rude tone) remind me again who you are.
Knocker: it’s me. You remember me. I am with you all the time. I just left for a while but I’m back now. I AM REALITY.

So as you have seen from the postings from the last couple of days, I have been living in lala land thinking that all is and will be but this past weekend the above happened – REALITY finally came back and I am supper miserable this morning.

So for the last three weeks or so, Gary and I have been doing things that couples do. The late night long phone conversations and the “no you hang up first” kind of talk. The getting to know a lot more about each other in terms of up bringing and parents and stuff. We have kissed - a lot, and we both enjoyed that. Slowly but surely I knew I was falling for him all over again but was sure that this time I was being clever and careful about it.

I decided not to push the idea of being an official couple again because I knew that he had commitment issues and because of the fear that I would loose him if I pushed for some sort of commitment. I settled with that even though, me being me, would have loved to have these things clearly defined so that I know how much to put in. In my heart it was all ok because I could see how goo goo gaga he seemed and loved the strong attention that he was giving me. In my head – it was red lights flashing all the way. My head was telling me to walk away… no to run fast for the mountains and never to look back since it still had the memories of how it all went down the first time round.
But well like so many of us, I chose to go with the heart and let all form of reasoning escape me. I ignored all advices and warnings from people who had been there before and told them that they should not compare their experiences with this one because he is different and he loves me – even though he has never said it in a way that convinced me or in a way that showed that he meant it on a whole new deeper level other than just to get his way or to shut me up. I went along blindly and convinced myself that I knew what I was doing and that I would never get too attached.
Boy was I wrong. When Reality came back, I realized that:
I did get reattached because truth be told – I was still attached from the first time round and I was still crazy about the man.
No. I don’t know what I was doing and I am sick of all this uncertainty.

i hate tea...

so there i was yesterday surfing the net for nothing specific when i stumbled on a report on GREEN TEA. so i read through it and believe it or not but green tea has some antioxidents in it that assists with weight lose. can you believe it?

so it means that if i have some hope of loosing this buldge on my tummy then i should be huge friends with tea. eish. apperently the stuff boosts your immune system (well together with the ability to assist with a million other things such as preventing cancer and all other deadly things).

i'm sorry to sound so ignorent but its just that i hate hearing about all these deadly things that

we have no controll over. on top of that i dont want to become a health

conscience freak because when you think about it really - you go on

eating all healthy so that you can prevent dying from something serious like

heart malfunction when being hit by a bus will result in the same effect.

how do you prevent a stray bullet from killing you?

how do you stop a psyco from taking your life along with their own?

so u see. i beieve in seize the moment and make sure you treat the people

arround as if you were seeing them for the last time cause in this crazy

world - it could just be.

ok back to the tea. i hate tea. it tasts wierd and is associated with the old and infirm. i hate tea with a passion but i think i hate the buldge on my tummy more. so after work i'm getting me a box of green tea. eish (man!!! i hate tea)

in the end, we will know...

i must say that i feel much better than i did yesterday. i guess i just had another panic moment (my life is supper filled with those). how did i find me zen again l0l... well

i posted a question with yahoo answers and asked the community to help me put this whole situation in clear terms for me. what i wanted was to hear the honest opinion of somebody who would not be influenced by emotions because they were connected to either him or me. and well that's what i got.
turns out that some of my fears were real and it was not me just trying to sabotage my own happiness or me just not wanting to see the good in this person. most of the answers showed that this man was messing me about and i was just falling right in to it. look don't get me wrong or anything but i love the man and after all else i do still think that if push came to shove i would still walk a mile for him but now let us be realistic - what is the point of me doing all that if he will not appreciate it? what is the point of me wanting to put it all out there for him if he will take it like just another case of another girl who has fallen for him? you know what i don't get is how do you not see that a person is willing to do all that for you?

its not that I'm trying to put me on some pedestal here - i also maybe guilty of that at some point in my life. i dated a guy back in high school and he was just so in love with me. his idea was that we become the famous high school sweethearts with the relationship that would stand the test of time, roumers and all else in between. but now as time went on i hated just how much he loved me. i hated how he would agree with all that i said and just went out of his way to make me happy. it all ended with me not being able to even allow him to touch me let alone kiss me. eish! and as tragic for him as it was - i ended the relationship in like three months or so.
could it be that i did the same thing to Gary? now that I'm on the receiving end of something that maybe similar to the one back in high school it hurts like crazy and i hate it.

well with all that said and done - i am working towards a new goal now. i will not allow myself to fall for Gary like i did before and if he does really have the idea of us together again then i want him to show it in word and deed. i will not give him the cold shoulder or anything like that but i will let him be the initiator of everything. he will make the phone calls. he will arrange the hang out sessions and everything else.

if he does not... then i guess in the end, we will know...

PS: in the mean time - i want to have even more fun and carry on to meet new and exiting people. i want to carry on and build stronger relationships with the amazing people around me and hay basically carry on having a blast.

How...

so the saga with Gary and i carries on and even though yesterday i was on some high because i had found out what the issues with me are - to day i find me back in that deep hole again and if at all possible i think i'm much deeper than i was yesterday.

i called him last night despite my better judgement and i actually got all excited when he said he was just about to call me too (excited that is before the idea of maybe he is lying crept into my head). i wish i had maybe waited and let him call me. i felt so dumn but got over it as the convo went on. i woke up and i felt even more dumner - if that was even possible. its just that i cant help but shake the feeling that all this will blow up in my face again. i mean the last time he explained that the reason why he dropped me like that was because he didn't know how to tell me what he was going through and he panacked because he knew that i would end up hurt. i get all that and i supper undersatnd but what will stop all that happening again? what happens when something comes up again? and to make it worse, the fact that this time round all this is not defined, does it not make much more sence to predict that the fall will even be worse because hell - he dont owe me nothing this time round. why the hell do i feel like i'm walking blindly into this?

the last time round when we ended, i depended so much on my girl friends and they came to the party full force. the did all that you would expect them to do. they felt my pain and hated him when i did. they did not try to explain him because they liked him but they bad mouthed him with me and listend to me go on and on and on. but know it so happend that beacuse i'm not a fan of holding on to issues and that i hate leaving things hanging, i made peace with him but they still held on to their hate for him. i heard his reason and understood and they didnt. infact when they see us together all they can do really is to warn me not to even think of taking that road again. all this now means that i cant even turn to them for advice on the above predicument. i cant tell anyone and it is driving me insane.

i want him to be the one chasing after me. i want him to be making all the calls and him to tell me that he misses me as much as i miss him. i hate the fact that all i can think of is calling him and talking to him.

ok so sometimes i am able to convince myself to stop freaking out and call him but then immidiatly after the call i cant help but feel so stupid and angry about that. when talking to him, he says things like he is glad i called and that he enjoys talking to me but somehow that does not make me feel the love. i guess i want to hear him say the words. as simple and stupid as it sounds, i think it would go a long way if he were to say"baby you rock my world and i like you so much"

am i being insecure? am i putting to much feeling into this?

all these questions....

New take on things...

this conversation changed a lot.

(i know its long but...)

[2008/07/07 10:09:09] Randzo says: tell me.... what are ur thoughts on booty calls? no not the classic type but… ie intemate moments with someone yet no commitments
[2008/07/07 10:18:00] Nick says: same as hooking up?
[2008/07/07 10:20:58] Randzo says: well ya something like that... its just... ya something like that
[2008/07/07 10:22:37] Nick says: well it's not good! y ask
[2008/07/07 10:23:48] Randzo says: think i'm stuck in something like that and just dying to let go or demand a commitment eish u men r so difficult. then they say we woman are hectic
[2008/07/07 10:31:05] Nick says: Ya, thing is it's a very dangerous situation , as one person can get really hurt, or it can lead to something else that u don't want to happen!
[2008/07/07 10:33:20] Randzo says: ya true.... hate the fact that i cant tell anyone about it so its just giving me sleepless nights. eish... ya ne... the things we get out ourselves into but then again knowing me... i could be stressing about nothing and the man could be getting to the part were he says he can't go on without me... so ya. :D;)
[2008/07/07 10:36:07] Nick says: well at least get to some agreement with him.... know where he stands and where u stand!
[2008/07/07 10:37:55] Randzo says: worried that i may ruin a good thing. thing is we were official a while back and well we sort of are getting the fire going again and worried that if we were to define it then things will go sour again
[2008/07/07 10:41:31] Nick says: well look! if your intensions R not just fooling around and neither are his, then u don't need to define it, u can just go with the flow, but if he decides to go out if it...... are u gonna feel like he was using you!
[2008/07/07 10:44:28] Randzo says: i already feel like that... (have u not noticed the huge Louis Viton bags under my eyes as a result of sleepless nights?) he does say how much he likes me... and we do talk for hours on the phone almost every night. man how does something so simple become so complicated...
[2008/07/07 10:50:05] Nick says: well ask him what he wants (but show him that u r willing to comply with that) but not the i will do anything 4 u! no! but like "i can adjust if thats what u want"
[2008/07/07 10:51:24] Randzo says: what if what he wants is this...
[2008/07/07 10:52:10] Nick says: like intimacy but no commitment....
[2008/07/07 10:52:21] Randzo says: yeah...
[2008/07/07 10:55:51] Nick says: thats hard. Does he understand that it can't last for ever...?
[2008/07/07 10:59:15] Randzo says: dont know. like i said the dude does say how much he likes me and he does take the time to call and talk for hours on the phone with me. we learning new things about each other all the time (well at least i am) so i dont know.... :@ i just dont know and am supper confused. suddently the bridge does not look so bad (u know satnding on the edge and all)
[2008/07/07 11:06:18] Nick says: eish..... i'm also confused...
[2008/07/07 12:05:20] Randzo says: imagin how i feel.
[2008/07/07 12:07:59] Nick says: ya.... go ahead....... kill your self
[2008/07/07 12:08:06] Nick says: Just kidding.....
[2008/07/07 12:08:33] Randzo says: ok look.... here it is
[2008/07/07 12:08:44] Nick says: ya what?
[2008/07/07 12:09:01] Randzo says: i'm going to brake it down to u
[2008/07/07 12:09:10] Nick says: plz do!
[2008/07/07 12:13:12] Randzo says: met a guy and dated for four months. because of reasons i couldnt control he broke up with me. things got awkward but l8a we started chatting again and getting comfy around eachother again. then recently (like 6 months after brake up) we start flirting again and joking around. then the phon calls start and they become longer that they were even when we are dating. we kiss. he says he still likes me a lot and i too. but he aint ready and is afraid of hurting me again. i get all that. now these kissing sessions become more and we start hanging out. we carry on talking for long on the phone and kiss more but we havnt toched on where all this is going...
[2008/07/07 12:13:31] Randzo says: what do u think. semi booty call or not?
[2008/07/07 12:37:24] Nick says: not a booty call! your are dating again, but don't wanna admit it! Booty call is when u have a GF on the side. and both of u are fine with that! .... i don't think that is the situation ... or is it?
[2008/07/07 12:43:42] Randzo says: wow. i have never thought of it in that awy "dating without admiting it" um...... u have just helped me make up my mind. wow thanks. and i aws panaking a while back. wow. the sun is shining (was having trouble seeing that)

MY THOUGHTS

so the whole of yesterday i was like a storm. all i could think about was what to do next... in the Gary issue i mean. i was just panacking and failing to enjoy the moment. after the above convo, i realised that i was sabotaging something that made me happy and the potential that it could become something more.

the man hurt me a lot and since we started talking again, i have come to understand a whole lot of the reasons behind the barke up and have felt so much better because it wasnt because of something on my side.

i have this tendency to always want to understand and define things. i usually push for things to happen and that has resulted in people being intimidated by me and people thinking i'm way too ambitous. that is what i tried doing with this. i do want more. and because of that i nearly ruiend what i have now.

dont get me wrong... i know i deserve more but for now i like this undefined, not serious thing that we have going and i am liking seeing him fall for me hard.

so there it is...

Confused...

Why is it that this man is the source of all my confusion and stress and agonies...so things are happening.We have gotten into the habit of calling each other now and I’m liking it big time. We speak for hours on the phone most nights (like Saturday night we spent like four hours on the phone talking about nothing really). I’m learning new things about the man and am liking how unlike the last time round he actually is communicating.He says things to me that make me smile.
Like when I have to get off the phone he would say "oh so now u wanna leave?" then I would say "no! its just that I have to get some sleep else I will walk around with all these bags under my eyes then no one will want to marry me then you would be forced to do so because you forced me into this state" then he would reply and say "well maybe that is what I am aiming for"
He came over this weekend and well things got heated. He touched me like he used to and he kissed me like I have always craved that he would. But...
... but why the hell do I feel so unhappy? I feel like I am just entertainment to pass on time because we are doing all this yet the other day he did admit that he was not ready and that he doesn’t want to hurt me. Then what the hell is this?
If I was in my normal senses - I would get on the phone and ask that he define what the hell is going on between us. But fact is I am not in my normal senses and I have this huge fear that if I push for a definition - I just may ruin this....
u know while thinking about this I got thinking of a time when my dad once said that if a guy is acting like this then he don’t like you. I mean if he did then he would not let stuff get in between being with me if he really wanted. And he would not be worried about hurting me because he would not be aiming at that. And if he did beyond his control then he would go the lengths to fix things.
do I like Gary to that extend that I would be willing to be used like this and not demand that he define what we have for fear that he might walk away...
I’m so confused...

updates...

over the last couple of days our connection has been down so i could not post anything.

here is a bit of what has happend over the last couple of days...

Somebody explain it to me please…

What exactly is it about Gary and me? I mean when does it all end? I want my senses back and I wanna feel normal again. I want to not think about him again and I want to damn finally get over him and move on to all the more verities of fish still left in the sea for me.

I get so nervous

Well I don’t know why but here is the situation…
Thing is every time when I know that I will see him or when I know that I have to call him – breathing becomes a bit difficult. Its just that I don’t get what is going on between us. Don’t get me wrong I am all for doing things just for the heck of it and in my experience I have seen that when we try to define some things we simply make them complicated. But now with him I think we just have so much history that just that makes it complicated. I feel so unsure about the way I feel about this new attraction that we have going.

We talk for hours on the phone, we flirt a bit…

Ok look I for one like the fact that the man can see that even though he let me go he is still super attracted to me and it would be my wish to carry the flirting on and on and get him rehooked then once that has happened – remind him that it was him that dropped me. Or maybe still be on the look out for a man who will treat me the way that I deserve then once I have found him stop the flirting with Gary and if he acts all hurt and disappointed – remind him that he is the one that dropped me and that because he said I shouldn’t wait around for him, I simply moved on.
Its just that the fact that he is in this state – revenge would be so grate!!!
The man must be killed for what he did to me and the fact that he is even caring on with the flirting is supper sickening and… and… oh so enjoyable.

That’s the thing that has me all wired up the wrong way.
I still have the strongest feelings for the man. The long talks that we have resumed and the flirting has me falling so much harder for him. He makes me smile and has me skipping about.


I have come to another realization though….

What was it that connected to us? You know, since him admitting that he had and still has this huge physical attraction to me, it has me wondering and questioning myself what more besides the physical as he says is there that connects us….

So here is an attempt by me to come with a list of the things that I like about him:

He makes me laugh
He is mysteries
He is unique
He has the craziest imagination
He is loving
Shy (at times)
He is himself and does not try to be some one else.
Vibrant
Tells it like it is
Love the way that he at times has trouble with explaining himself
He is able to give me personal attention. Exclusive attention. (like the sort where he will stop all that he is doing to attend to me).

Ok ok when you look at these things, are they some of the things that would cause you to fall for a man like madly? I am the first to admit that there is something about him that just keeps drawing me back – is it because I don’t know him that well that has me wanting to know more? Because if that is the case then what will happen once I do? Will he become a bore?

You know there is a song which has the lyrics that “love hurts when you do it right” is this it? Because I don’t think that even though this love thing is difficult – it has to be this hectic. I mean how the hell much am I supposed to take from this one situation?

Why can’t I just walk away…?


The weekend…

Wow a lot has happened since I last updated on the upheavals of my life….

This weekend I was with Gary and things happened. We kissed!!
I know what you are thinking but its not like that at all because this time unlike the last time I am not left feeling like an idiot. But something did happen and I think this may just have been what I have been looking for this whole time.

He made up some excuse so that we had a bit of privacy (I was there with my friend). He got his roomie to give us a bit of space and when we were left all alone – he put his arms around me and kissed me. It felt so good. He told me that we shouldn’t be doing this and that it was wrong. I asked why and he said because he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he was afraid that he would hurt me again. Then he puts his hands around my face, looks me in the eyes and says, “but I still like you so much…” then he kissed me again.

Now at that time I had no issues because all I was thinking was that my lips had to get some action and that I had missed the man doing that for the longest time. But then he let go and I got my jacket. He pulled me near again and kissed me again but now there was something different – I kissed him back for a while then I pushed him away!!!

I know how strange that seemed maybe even to him but I don’t know – something inside me snapped. True, this was something that I had wanted or at least thought I wanted so much – for him to hold me and kiss me and tell me that he still wants me. I, at that moment (when we went for another round of the smooching and touching), realized that I want more and that this was not it.

Here I am at the peak of my life (having just turned 21) and I have so many things going for me. I have a grate job, I earn enough to allow me an ok life, I have a good relationship with my parents, I have a truck load of friends and even more precious – a grate circle of close ones, I drive my own car and I have a life time of amazing memories that keep improving everyday. With all this and more – I think… no… I know that I deserve to have a man that will want me and me alone and no one else. A man that will make a way even when there seems to be none. A man that will go over mountains for me and treat me like I am his life. This one, (Gary), knows that he wants me but is allowing whatever it is that he has stuck in his life to not have me. I mean here is a man who wants a girl. Well the girl wants him too and she ain’t playn hard to get or messing with him but she has put it in plain words and clear actions that she is very game. What more is there to deliberate over? She wants him and he wants her.
But if he wont see it that way and see me as worthy and deserving of giving it all up for me and will carry on messing me around like this then he is not the man for me. Because I know I have so much of all the above to give and a ton more.
So ya that’s it… I am really done now and I walk away not hurt or sad and not hating but with a head held high and the feeling that this was grate but not for me… some girl maybe.

HE Called...

So how am I supposed to feel now?

We had a braai (South African BBQ) this weekend with a couple of friends and Gary was there. I have been stressing about it for the whole of last week because I just didn’t know what would happen. Would it be awkward or would it be grate. So but anyway it happend and I am glad to report that it went well. He was there and so was I and we even got time to talk.
This talking now was different because we laughed and joked just like it was before all this drama started. I remembered all the things that I loved about him and he did the whole playing with my hair thing (which I now know that he never realized he was doing it). It was so cool and I really enjoyed it.

Then we nearly kissed...

I wanted to so bad. I wanted him to hold me like he used to and kiss me. I wanted him to tell me that he wants me back and that he has not thought of anything but that ever since he dropped me and beg me to take him back. Thing is I could feel that he wanted to as well. But we were stuck between the “should we or shouldn’t we”. The way I was feeling - even if it would have not meant anything I was supper craving his touch… his kiss. But finally he took a step and looked into my eyes, pushed my hair braid behind my shoulder and said “lets not complicate things…” hu……. Ah….

Man!! Eish. But it was cool. I got where he was coming from and I simply told him that I would see him around and I walked away… that is when my troubles started.

I got home and was in an ok mood. Knowing that the attraction was still there tends to put a high on someone’s mood. But then I woke up the next morning and I missed him so much. I just wanted to call him and say dude I still love you like crazy but I didn’t want to mess it up. (thing is I have a hunch that part of the reason that we ended was cause I kind of suffocated him and didn’t want to have that happen again. So I would keep my distance) this proved to be equally as hard as climbing Mount Everest. I wanted to be with him so bad it hurt. We had a family thing in the morning and came back later. But the feeling just wouldn’t go away so as always me doing things without thinking them clearly first I picked up he phone and called him (but of cause I thought of something to say. It wasn’t that major but at least I would hear his voice). But then he wasn’t home…
Damn!!
I tried two more times and realized that I had to stop else his roomy would think I’m a psycho. Thing is I know he is not the type that returns calls so that just made things even worse for me. Man I missed him!!

Time went by and soon that desire subsided mainly because I was worried that I would come across as a mad chic. I got a couple of books out and got reading and soon I felt better.

9pm and I got ready for bed… yes depressed as hell. Then………….
The phone rang…
It was him. We spoke on the phone for like more than an hour or so and it felt good. We spoke about our past relationship and even though we didn’t declear our undying love I did manage to get some peace from a million other things that I once didn’t get and hated about him. A couple of things regarding our brake up were cleard and I must say that I feel so much better.

I’m glad he called!!!
Wait that’s not even the grate part – thing is he called!!!

Explanation....

so i finally plucked up enough calmness to go speak to Gary.

:-\ he says it was all a joke and that they didn't think that my guy friend would take it seriously. the real story (regardless of all my secret wishes and hopes) is that one of his friends has been going on and on about me and everytime he knows that Gary will see me (we are in the same church) he would send messages like "tell her i said hi" or "pass my regards to her" so the guys thought it would be supper hilerious (and intresting in their messed up boring lives: according to me) if they got me for this guy.

now what gets me upset all over again is that why the hell would he sell me to his friends? i mean what comes to mind for me is "well guys i am done with her so who wants to go next"

i know that sounds crazy but think about it... would you help one of your friends to get your ex? isin't there an unspoken rule that you stay away from your friends' exs?

huuuuu! well i played it quiet well and too bad for me that Gary is not you avarage guy (thats why i fell for him so hard).

what happend is that i called him aside to ask about the whole thing. now as if something was working for me (or could it have been against me) but i have alergies so under some types of weathers my eyes tear on their own accord. so as we steped out my eyes reacted to the weather and as i was speaking to him (rather calmly might i add ) there was a tear running down my 1 eye and no matter how hard i tried it just wouldnt stop. so to him it looked as if i was crying abd because i was so calm it really seemed like i seriously was upset. i told him that i was diapointed in him and i thought that by now he would have an idea of what i'm all about. so all this time with me sounding all serious this tear just kept flowing strong and hard. then i looked in his eyes and said i was sick and tierd of being angry then, in my most hurt sounding voice, asked " how much more am i supposed to take from you?" then i walked away.

sho now that was intence. now i expected him to be all woried and realize that he has hurt me and want to make it up to me and all and that when he got home and call me but well like i expected deep down and just like his charactor - he didnt. you know sometimes i wonder what is going on in that mans head.

but either way i think i learned something from this whole thing: Gary dosn't care for me in a way that i would expect someone who says they love me to. he has never and there is no way he would start now. if in some twisted way he does then it is not in the way that i want him to.

in all the things he has done since we broke up 6 months ago (yes it has been that long: trust a woman to keep track) have just proven this point to me over and over again - how he dumped me then say he is battling to get over me, how he kissed me and told me that it ment nothing and shouldn't have happend, how he failed to just take me aside and say "i am sorry i broke your heart", how he has carried on to look at me that way and show a hint of jelousy when i'm getting on with other people and now finally this little stunt - i mean i guess i was right to ask "how much more am i supposed to take?"

IDIOT has done it again

why is it that some people have made it their aim in life to be good for nothing cows who seem to only live to make other peoples lives as messed up as possible

so this weekend i get a call from a very good guy friend of mine and he tells me that he had visitors come to him at work. the visitors: Gary (my ex) and his friends. he says they calmly walked in and told him that he should stop running after me like a love sick puppy because i am taken and unavailable to him. this friend of mine says that Gary was doing the talking but was implying that i was taken by one of his friends. when this friend mensioned that he would ask me about it they said that there was no need to involve me in this thing. it was between them guys only...

so now you please tell me how i should remain calm. why the hell does idiot

and his friends think its their place to scare all my friends away?

tell me was it not him that dropped me? now that i move on then he has a problem with that. i just hate the way that he has made me look. it makes it look as if i cannot be controlled and i have to have someone keep me in check. and besides this friend of mine is not after me... we are just friends and thats it.

man i am so upset at the boy that i am starting to see red all over again. what i do suspect is that one of of his friends is after me but what i cant get over is why the hell is Garry helping out!!! is he selling me to his friend. why the hell does he not tell his buddy that we were together? or are they trying to pass me on between them?!!!

i have been thinking about it all weekend and i just cant seem to get to an answer. thing is i cant even bring myself to ask because i am afraid of the answer i will get - yes as you have guessed i have a secret longing for what i hope the story is behind the whole issue.

i'm hoping that Gary is behind the whole thing because he has realized just

how big of a mistake he made and now wants me back. but the thing now

is that he dosnt know wher he will start because he is the one that dropped me

and now notices that that there is someone else featuring around my planet

and dosnt want nothing to ruin his chances once he finally goes for it.

ahhhhhhhhhh. now that gives me a little smile!!!

i wonder...

so i'm hosting a girls only supper in a couple of days.

i wonder how that will go.

so how am i doing?

well i'm ok. you know its strange how the one day things seem like they are the worst and that nothing will make it better and you just wish that the earth would open up and swallow you whole (i say whole so that i won't have to live through the pain of being bitten in half first). then on the very next day, you wake, get a shower and flash yourself a smile in the mirror and realize that damn you look good!!!

i know it sounds vain but that little thoght goes a long way.

....who cares....

how possiblw is it that your suppressed thoughts can one day all of a sudden come up and bite you in the butt?

i'm sitting at the office doing some file updating admin stuff and it suddently came to me that i have been going on and on with wanting to show Gary that i have moved on and am much happier (while of cause secretly wishing that he would brake down and tell me that he wants me back), and wanting him to realize what a grate chick i am and that he let go of gold when it all hit me that maybe he let go of me because he realized that i was boring and that from far i actually give off much more than what i really have.

i mean it just dosnt make sence as to how come all was fire hot and then just went to iced like over night?

you know when i would discribe our relationship i would tell my friends that it felt like it was mostly like lust because i would want to always be with him. he would touch me and literaly i would get goosbumps and my skin would tingle. he kissed me even lightly and it was an instant turn on.

could be that i smotherd him? did i not live up to his expectations?
was i a fantasy that became boring?

what?! why?! when?!

help... anybody...

over the past few months i have done and gone through emotions and actions that i never believed were in my capabilities. I'm the type of person that hates holding on to things that have no value and dwelling in the shadow of things that cannot be changed. everythime something happend that hurts me or made me feel angry - i have either delt with it and moved on or accepted it as is and moved on - either way it all resulted in me moving on.

tell me - why is it that we at times hold on to things that from another point of view come across as not worth it?

My ex broke up with me and totally fliped my whole being upside down. i have tried countless times to get over that yet some how i just keep failing. this is one person that has managed to expose me to pain like i have never felt it and to refute my whole ever so famous statement that i am in control. i took drastic steps because of him and spent too many nights crying me to sleep...

he walks into the room and i still weak at the knees. he carries on with his own issues and i still sit there wondering if i ever cross his mind. he laughs and has a good time while i still long that he would call and say he failed to move on away from me....

why do i do this to myself?

how to get over him and quickly http://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Get-Over-Him---Quickly&id=345015.

the above artical is well writen and made me laugh. its true what the lady says but i have come to sadly realize that even thogh it may make sence to move on -our emotions do not always get that. is it because they know better? is it because they can sence the other persons emotions and keep us holding on because there is some sort of hope?

i hate the fact that i still look twice when he walks by and the fact that i still have all these memories when it comes to him. how do i stop it.

isnt it supposed to be that the first step to recovery to to admit that you have a problem? i have admited it but i aint getting ant better!!! instead i think i'm getting worse and have built up this new desire to want to have him back. do i? is it the emotions again?

what am i supposed to do now?

... realization...

so tell me does this thing called real love exist?

its just that i am holding on to this idea of a guy that i would like to meet. someone who fits in well with me. someone that will make me feel exclusive - you know someone that will want me and me alone. he would want to saty with me simply because i am the best version of me that there will ever be. he would totally be commited to me and allow me to take care of him without being freaked into thinking that i want to tie him down or something.
we would enjoy being in each others company with no expectations and we would get on so well that he would also become one of my best friends and we would share everything.

does something like that even exist?

* um... title... um...* (oh hell who cares)

remember i said i met a guy...

how is it possible for some men to be so clueless? its not normal. ok ok look its not like i'm looking or anything... its just that this guy made such a huge deal with wanting to have a private word with me. i mean everytime he would see me he would go on and on and on about how he wants to talk to me (this ofcause had me jumping up and down with joy because he was acting like a school boy who fancied me which is flatering). as a way to brake away from my tendency to push people in to doing things (because i believe that we should get going on things because life is too short to porspone it for tomorow) i let him take his time and come to me.

he first asked what i thought of him and i told him that i think he is a grate guy and that i like him (note i didn't go into detail as to what type of like this is). he lets it hang and tells me that he cant carry on over the phone and that he will make time caue its not his thing to talk these things over the phone.

so ok i let him make that time and act as if i'm not in a rush or anything while inside i hate the fact that he is taking his time. so anyway it finaly happens two nights ago. he sends me an sms asking if its important to know urself before you start dating someone and i reply that yes because how do u expect someone to know you when you dont know urself...

all good and marry then last night he lets it drop...

over the phone he says to me that he dosnt feel like i feel for him and that he is just getting to know himself. i stop him right before he carries on and ask him what the hell is he going on and on about? he says well i told him that i like him so he just wants to stop me right there so that we dont confuse what we already have!!!! i calmly tell the boy that he is the one thats confused beacuse i didnt mean that i like him in that way.

ok ok ok honestly i did but now to have him say it like i went after him and him getting some kick out of it well hell no so i did what we girls do best - turned it around to make him feel bad for it (which he should be for leading me on like that) i mean i did think he was nice and he is the one that would come up to me to start a convo. i corrected and told him that i didnt mean it in that way and reminded him that i did say that i was not looking (i did tell him that at one point) because i just got out of something i took as intense. yo u should have heard him go on and on about how he now felt like an idiot. he said he felt so bad for taking it that way and that he would not be able to face me. i told him that i had no issues and that he should take his time and get over it and he knows where to find me when he is done.

that will teach him!!!!...............

some random thoughts for you...

why is that we as woman tend to hold on to the things that hurt us the most? i mean think about it.
someone hurts us and we go on and on about it without realizing that we are only making the pain imortal. we tell girlfriends and anyone else who is willing to listen. why?dont get me wrong... i fully believe in talking about things because that is one way in which we heal but why carry on and on and on...?

i have recently learned a new and intresting art. Walking away.walking away from from whatever bad expiriances. walking away from anger and hate. walking away from people that do not recognize your worth and those who have made it an art of theirs to trample you down. this walking away is not an easy thing because it involves so much but is all worth it at the end of the day.

it invoves 1st: FORGIVNESS! not only towards the ofender but towards yourself as well. from a movie i once watched "when someone hurts you, they take power over you and when you dont forgive them they keep the power" - diary of a mad black woman. therfore when you forgive them and yourself you satrt to feel so much better and forget - the forgetting is what we want.
2nd: REALIZATION: realization that it has happend and there is nothing you or any one can do to go back in time and change it. why kill yourself further with all the could haves and should haves? the fact is that you didnt so move the hell on. what this person did or is doing is beyond your controll. what is in your controll is how you react to it and that is the key to your own happiness. also realize that some people are just not worth it. if they could hurt you in this way then maybe you should start evaluating how much this person cares abuot you. if they dont then hell - walk away with your head high!!
3rd: UNDERSTAND: i have seen in most cases that understanding why a person is behaving in a certain way goes a long way at releaving the pain on you. is this person lonely? are they going through something? things like that... dont make the mistake though of understanding and taking it to much. if ther is no hope then hell walk away.


FOLLOW UP ON LAST POST:


so my path of weight lose is a hard and brutal one. how the hell did i expect to do this while i have this long and good love affair with food. i love my food and unfortunately am not so big on the being active part of life. the fact that i now drive wherever i want to go has not done much to help out either. in the research that i have done i have found that in order to loose weight, the amount of calories going in (through food and drink) should be less then the calories going out (via exercises). in order to maintain that weight then this in and out value has to be equal. so you can imagine: for someone who loves food and is not so big on excising the result becomes huge me!!!


but well i guess i should just push it till i get it off and work on keeping it off or simply maintaining it to a minimal growth!

Its gotta come off

i currently sit at 64 kilos and i feel like a truck.

with no offense to those that are trully huge... but i cant walk around being this big. in fact i dont feel like i'm walking, i feel more like i'm waddling around. i cant carry on like this. the sad thing is that i like the weight gain in som areas like (beilieve it ir not) my hips and on my butt but thats like it. my tummy is huge, my boobs masive (i dont even want to consider geting new bras cause i know i have gone up a cup size) and yet there is still worse - my cheecks are massive. now thats another thing that i hate -the fact that when i gain weight, my cheecks are the first ones to give it away cause i walk around like the cat that muched on the bird. or like i have some food saved up for later. i am huge.

i have to make a plan and fast. how the hell am i supposed to make lasting statements when i dont like the way i look i mean really.
so will let u know end of the week how it all went.

The grass IS greener on the other side

i must say the the road to healing is an amazing one.

i look back now on a couple of weeks ago and i could have never known i would ever make it to where i am now. back then i could just see black with no cahnce of being happy real deep down. these days, whats important to me is to embrace all the things that mean the most to me. things such as family and friends. i have decided to make as much memories as possible and get this thing called my life moving...

i met a guy...
now i dont want to get too ahead of my self and go on about just how much i'm in love and cant imagin the rest of my life with out him but its a start. if there is something new that i have learned from the last time its that i should let everything happen at its own pace. i have a tendency to want to move things along and let them happen faster but that has only lead to things happening without intending to and that brings all these unsure things and later into a realization that this is not what we really want. SHO!!

look for all we know it could turn out to be nothing but if it were to become something... i think i would want to let him take full control with how things should go and make sure what it is that he is looking for.

Do or die...

Its finally here...


the day when i will see my ex after all this time. today will be the true test as to wheather i am over him or not. i remember Madea tell Helen in "diary of a mad black woman" that you can tell if you are over someone when you dont take an oportunity to get back at them when one comes up. Wonder what i will do...

well i know for a fact that i am not over the dude thats for sure but now how much of an impact will it make when i see him? what will be his reaction? did he miss me? do i want him to miss me? what do i want?

...

Finally...

wow i never thought it would happen but it has finally.

i woke up this morning and i realized just how so much happier i am. i smile from the bottom of my heart and i laugh out loud at the things that are simple. i'm loving every minute of this...

is it temporary? well i dont know because i realize that even though i am on a high now i know that there will come something that will nock me off again then i will be back to my doom and gloom days. but well untill then i know i am happy now and plan to keep it that way.

i cant remember when last i felt this amazing... wow!!

Realization

Hello world

i just came back from a well deserved leave from work and i took a long trip away so that i can clear this head of mine. it did a whole lot of good plus i came to realize a few things and accepted a whole lot.

have you ever realised that our emotions don't understand our language? i mean think about it - why is it that we always fall for the that guy that we dont want to fall for or even that guy who we know will never look our way (ie: celebs).
in my case i have seen that while i try by all means to get over this guy i just seem to have some stuff that i hold on to. i mean in what language should i shout it to my emotions that its time to move on. i wanna go explore new things and new people but not in the opinon of my emotions. they still want to hold on to this looser and still think he is God's gift to woman.

i also decided not to fight it. i mean as much as i wouldn't want to admit it - i still like him a lot and still think he is very hott (even though i haven'y seen him in a while. i hope he got in the line of something nasty and has this huge scare doen his face that makes him look like a freak). what i am tring to say is that i think will be so much easier if i accept that i still have the hearts for him and believe that they will fade away soon.
CONFESSION: i now that this sounds nasty and psyco but i'm not sure how i will react or what i will say if he asks me to give it another shot. i mean he still has all the things that i fell for and even though i know now his negetive traits but none of them have turned me away. my emotions simply dont get it.

i also realized that i am way too beautyful and hot to waste my time pinning for something thats gone. i know though that i want to refarin from dating for a while now while i find my ground again i'm moving on in life and a dull mood is not part of the package.

therfore raise it up... TO A YEAR FILLED WITH A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE, LAUGHTER AND HOTT INCOUNTERS.

Today was a bad day...

i woke up this morning and i was angry...

when will it stop?

i was angry because i saw him the previous day and i was nice. i didn't say much to him but for the fact that i smiled said hi and walked away. i hate the fact that we carry on as if nothing is happening. i hate the fact that i still waste my niceness on scum like him. i wanted to see him and show him that i hate him. i wanted him to see that i was angry and that it was all his fault.

i went out on saturday for a hang out session with friends and even though it was good company and a whole lot of laugter i could not fully be free and enjoy it because i was so angry (didn't show it to the people that i was with though)

What does the word betrayal mean to you...?

for the past two days i have been in an emotional hell and slowly but surely am finally packing my bags to leave that place.
i walk around in a constant sate of near tears and everytime i see an act of betrayal - weather it be on TV or in real life - i feel the tears well up. (i have even stoped wearing eye makeup for fear that i will end up looking like a freak).


i hate him... i hate so much it hurts. i just dont get it. is this how it feels to be cheeted on. i mean i feel like i have been because he said he still loves me. he kissed me...

How do we move from there to him likeing someone else. not only like but even making a move. is it not me that he likes. is it not me that he loves?

IDIOT has done it for the last time...

I am a 21 year old succesfull girl who has obtaind a lot more then some of my peers. I work and have a car. I live on my own in a cottage at the back of our house and earn enough for a comfortable life. i have tons of friends and a few really close ones that i love to bits... i'm layd back, i love hard and i laugh loud. I have crazy hobbies and food is one of the most important things in my life... Basically i am healthy, loud and enjoy it all

here is what i dont understand - how is it possible that i am stuck on some idiot who obvously does not get my worth? I know i give my all in all my relationships with everyone and i gave him the best.this dude has found ways to brake me down and still keeps a smill on his face..

he broke up with me cause he has issues that he needs to get sorted and doesn't want me caught in the middle. i understood all that and thought the world of him cause he thought of my feelings. anyway so it carried on - me still going goo goo gaga over him and having it in my head that the man loves me. man was i wrong

RECENTLY: told me last week that he still thinks i'm hott and gives me a look (i go weak at the knees) so i'm thinking damn this dude still really loves me hmmm i wonder if he has his issues sorted out. at the same time there is this girl that he is constantly hanging with but now this girl is a visitor and i know the last time she was after another friend of mine. so i'm thinking that skank how dare she thinks she will get her nails in my man. anyway so i start a personal hate parade against this chick.

then today it all falls into place - so i'm chatting to one of his friends (the friend that this girl wanted the last time she was here) via IM and i innosently ask if he is going to make a move on her this time around and he says he is not intrested (i'm jumping for joy inside going - there u go u little *it** - no one wants you). he carries on saying that IDIOT commented that he is letting a good thing go - refering to this girl. so again i ask innosently. well what was IDIOT tring to say and he lays it down... tells me that he ment that he was going to move in. i send a supprised IM back and a smile to say oh well whatever but inside the power goes off. i'm thinking WHAT!!! thats just not possible because this IDIOT just dropped huge hints that he still likes me just last week. how could he be making a move.

So i'm at the office with tears welling up then i remember that oh crap i have eye liner on meaning if i shed even a drop i risk looking like a racoon later. So what does a gir do in times like this hu... the idiot was already making a move when he was giving me goo goo gaga looks.

i hate him so much right now - i really trully hate him

man are such doggs and thear is no hope for him... but man it is on... i will make him wish he had never and it will be so suttle it will knock him right away.

PS: IDIOT refers to Gary