Rocking into 2009 with a bang!!!

2009... wow. i turn 22 this year. man im getting old!!!

so as promissed let me brake down a couple of things that i walked in to 2009 with.

SHAUN: remember the thing was that come the 31st December, we would brake up? well our relationship flurished and we seemed to be more and more in love with every passing day. we spent the holidays together, finding time to be together away from families and friends. we spoke for hours at a time and had the most amazing make out sessions. everytime i would bring up the 31st he would clamp down and ask that we not speak about it then... came the 31st and in an sms, he told me how he felt. that he loved me but had things to do on his own. that just totally crushed me and took my breath away for like a minute becauyse of the realization that i was loosing the man that has reintrodused me to love.

i saw him on new years and we spoke things through. he was serious about what he wanted but not sure. that was reason enough for me to drop it and walk since he did have doubts.

now a couple of days in to the year and he has sent me mails saysing he misses me and that he loves me... but thing is, us ending things made me realise that i didnt really love him. what i was in love with was the fact that my idea of love exsists and he had reinstated it. i cried only once over the brake up but then the truth became so clear...

that i never really got over GARY

there were things that gave that away and i wonder if shaun or gary picked up on that. things like how i could talk on and on about gary to shaun but how i would feel so bad whenever i had to mension shaun to gary. i remember the time i told gary that i was seeing shaun - the look in his eyes broke my heart and i felt guilty about it for the longest time.

thing is the day he sat me down to explain thngs to me and i understood what lead up to our brake up, everything just made perfact sence and whatever it is that i still held against him left. then when he told me that he still has a thing for me... even though he knew i was with shaun and said he was just telling me just so i know, silently he took my breath away cause for the longest time that is all i wanted to hear him say to me. that night i cried once again because of Gary, but this time it was not because he did something to hurt me but because finally the man that i secretly still loved a lot finally felt the same way with out doubts. i mean why else would he tell me all this even though he knows very well that i was with shaun

so yes - in a nutshall Gary is in the picture once again but only as a friend. i have friends holding thumbs that we get back together. he still looks at me that way and he still makes my heart beat faster. i have gone back to walking into church and looking for him first.

were all this will go or end up is a secret that this year is still holding tightly...