updates...

over the last couple of days our connection has been down so i could not post anything.

here is a bit of what has happend over the last couple of days...

Somebody explain it to me please…

What exactly is it about Gary and me? I mean when does it all end? I want my senses back and I wanna feel normal again. I want to not think about him again and I want to damn finally get over him and move on to all the more verities of fish still left in the sea for me.

I get so nervous

Well I don’t know why but here is the situation…
Thing is every time when I know that I will see him or when I know that I have to call him – breathing becomes a bit difficult. Its just that I don’t get what is going on between us. Don’t get me wrong I am all for doing things just for the heck of it and in my experience I have seen that when we try to define some things we simply make them complicated. But now with him I think we just have so much history that just that makes it complicated. I feel so unsure about the way I feel about this new attraction that we have going.

We talk for hours on the phone, we flirt a bit…

Ok look I for one like the fact that the man can see that even though he let me go he is still super attracted to me and it would be my wish to carry the flirting on and on and get him rehooked then once that has happened – remind him that it was him that dropped me. Or maybe still be on the look out for a man who will treat me the way that I deserve then once I have found him stop the flirting with Gary and if he acts all hurt and disappointed – remind him that he is the one that dropped me and that because he said I shouldn’t wait around for him, I simply moved on.
Its just that the fact that he is in this state – revenge would be so grate!!!
The man must be killed for what he did to me and the fact that he is even caring on with the flirting is supper sickening and… and… oh so enjoyable.

That’s the thing that has me all wired up the wrong way.
I still have the strongest feelings for the man. The long talks that we have resumed and the flirting has me falling so much harder for him. He makes me smile and has me skipping about.


I have come to another realization though….

What was it that connected to us? You know, since him admitting that he had and still has this huge physical attraction to me, it has me wondering and questioning myself what more besides the physical as he says is there that connects us….

So here is an attempt by me to come with a list of the things that I like about him:

He makes me laugh
He is mysteries
He is unique
He has the craziest imagination
He is loving
Shy (at times)
He is himself and does not try to be some one else.
Vibrant
Tells it like it is
Love the way that he at times has trouble with explaining himself
He is able to give me personal attention. Exclusive attention. (like the sort where he will stop all that he is doing to attend to me).

Ok ok when you look at these things, are they some of the things that would cause you to fall for a man like madly? I am the first to admit that there is something about him that just keeps drawing me back – is it because I don’t know him that well that has me wanting to know more? Because if that is the case then what will happen once I do? Will he become a bore?

You know there is a song which has the lyrics that “love hurts when you do it right” is this it? Because I don’t think that even though this love thing is difficult – it has to be this hectic. I mean how the hell much am I supposed to take from this one situation?

Why can’t I just walk away…?


The weekend…

Wow a lot has happened since I last updated on the upheavals of my life….

This weekend I was with Gary and things happened. We kissed!!
I know what you are thinking but its not like that at all because this time unlike the last time I am not left feeling like an idiot. But something did happen and I think this may just have been what I have been looking for this whole time.

He made up some excuse so that we had a bit of privacy (I was there with my friend). He got his roomie to give us a bit of space and when we were left all alone – he put his arms around me and kissed me. It felt so good. He told me that we shouldn’t be doing this and that it was wrong. I asked why and he said because he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he was afraid that he would hurt me again. Then he puts his hands around my face, looks me in the eyes and says, “but I still like you so much…” then he kissed me again.

Now at that time I had no issues because all I was thinking was that my lips had to get some action and that I had missed the man doing that for the longest time. But then he let go and I got my jacket. He pulled me near again and kissed me again but now there was something different – I kissed him back for a while then I pushed him away!!!

I know how strange that seemed maybe even to him but I don’t know – something inside me snapped. True, this was something that I had wanted or at least thought I wanted so much – for him to hold me and kiss me and tell me that he still wants me. I, at that moment (when we went for another round of the smooching and touching), realized that I want more and that this was not it.

Here I am at the peak of my life (having just turned 21) and I have so many things going for me. I have a grate job, I earn enough to allow me an ok life, I have a good relationship with my parents, I have a truck load of friends and even more precious – a grate circle of close ones, I drive my own car and I have a life time of amazing memories that keep improving everyday. With all this and more – I think… no… I know that I deserve to have a man that will want me and me alone and no one else. A man that will make a way even when there seems to be none. A man that will go over mountains for me and treat me like I am his life. This one, (Gary), knows that he wants me but is allowing whatever it is that he has stuck in his life to not have me. I mean here is a man who wants a girl. Well the girl wants him too and she ain’t playn hard to get or messing with him but she has put it in plain words and clear actions that she is very game. What more is there to deliberate over? She wants him and he wants her.
But if he wont see it that way and see me as worthy and deserving of giving it all up for me and will carry on messing me around like this then he is not the man for me. Because I know I have so much of all the above to give and a ton more.
So ya that’s it… I am really done now and I walk away not hurt or sad and not hating but with a head held high and the feeling that this was grate but not for me… some girl maybe.