in the end, we will know...

i must say that i feel much better than i did yesterday. i guess i just had another panic moment (my life is supper filled with those). how did i find me zen again l0l... well

i posted a question with yahoo answers and asked the community to help me put this whole situation in clear terms for me. what i wanted was to hear the honest opinion of somebody who would not be influenced by emotions because they were connected to either him or me. and well that's what i got.
turns out that some of my fears were real and it was not me just trying to sabotage my own happiness or me just not wanting to see the good in this person. most of the answers showed that this man was messing me about and i was just falling right in to it. look don't get me wrong or anything but i love the man and after all else i do still think that if push came to shove i would still walk a mile for him but now let us be realistic - what is the point of me doing all that if he will not appreciate it? what is the point of me wanting to put it all out there for him if he will take it like just another case of another girl who has fallen for him? you know what i don't get is how do you not see that a person is willing to do all that for you?

its not that I'm trying to put me on some pedestal here - i also maybe guilty of that at some point in my life. i dated a guy back in high school and he was just so in love with me. his idea was that we become the famous high school sweethearts with the relationship that would stand the test of time, roumers and all else in between. but now as time went on i hated just how much he loved me. i hated how he would agree with all that i said and just went out of his way to make me happy. it all ended with me not being able to even allow him to touch me let alone kiss me. eish! and as tragic for him as it was - i ended the relationship in like three months or so.
could it be that i did the same thing to Gary? now that I'm on the receiving end of something that maybe similar to the one back in high school it hurts like crazy and i hate it.

well with all that said and done - i am working towards a new goal now. i will not allow myself to fall for Gary like i did before and if he does really have the idea of us together again then i want him to show it in word and deed. i will not give him the cold shoulder or anything like that but i will let him be the initiator of everything. he will make the phone calls. he will arrange the hang out sessions and everything else.

if he does not... then i guess in the end, we will know...

PS: in the mean time - i want to have even more fun and carry on to meet new and exiting people. i want to carry on and build stronger relationships with the amazing people around me and hay basically carry on having a blast.