How...

so the saga with Gary and i carries on and even though yesterday i was on some high because i had found out what the issues with me are - to day i find me back in that deep hole again and if at all possible i think i'm much deeper than i was yesterday.

i called him last night despite my better judgement and i actually got all excited when he said he was just about to call me too (excited that is before the idea of maybe he is lying crept into my head). i wish i had maybe waited and let him call me. i felt so dumn but got over it as the convo went on. i woke up and i felt even more dumner - if that was even possible. its just that i cant help but shake the feeling that all this will blow up in my face again. i mean the last time he explained that the reason why he dropped me like that was because he didn't know how to tell me what he was going through and he panacked because he knew that i would end up hurt. i get all that and i supper undersatnd but what will stop all that happening again? what happens when something comes up again? and to make it worse, the fact that this time round all this is not defined, does it not make much more sence to predict that the fall will even be worse because hell - he dont owe me nothing this time round. why the hell do i feel like i'm walking blindly into this?

the last time round when we ended, i depended so much on my girl friends and they came to the party full force. the did all that you would expect them to do. they felt my pain and hated him when i did. they did not try to explain him because they liked him but they bad mouthed him with me and listend to me go on and on and on. but know it so happend that beacuse i'm not a fan of holding on to issues and that i hate leaving things hanging, i made peace with him but they still held on to their hate for him. i heard his reason and understood and they didnt. infact when they see us together all they can do really is to warn me not to even think of taking that road again. all this now means that i cant even turn to them for advice on the above predicument. i cant tell anyone and it is driving me insane.

i want him to be the one chasing after me. i want him to be making all the calls and him to tell me that he misses me as much as i miss him. i hate the fact that all i can think of is calling him and talking to him.

ok so sometimes i am able to convince myself to stop freaking out and call him but then immidiatly after the call i cant help but feel so stupid and angry about that. when talking to him, he says things like he is glad i called and that he enjoys talking to me but somehow that does not make me feel the love. i guess i want to hear him say the words. as simple and stupid as it sounds, i think it would go a long way if he were to say"baby you rock my world and i like you so much"

am i being insecure? am i putting to much feeling into this?

all these questions....