this is hard....

Wow so the decision has been finalized – I am walking away and putting my mind on other things.

Yesterday I told my friend about what I was going to do from now on and she thought all I needed was a brake. When I corrected her and told her that I actually meant that I was done and no more, she went all out to lecture me on how I should not let the bad experience of one man totally ruin things for the real Mr. Right who could be out there. But you tell me – how the hell many frogs am I supposed to kiss till I get my prince? I’m sick of it. While defending and explaining my choice, I made some amazing points some that I had not even thought of before.

Its not that I am looking for the impossible here. It’s not like I have a long list of the things that I want from a potential partner and am unwilling to alter them for no one what so ever. Compromise is something that has always been a reality for me and I have exercised it to the fullest. I mean take Gary. The man is not a grate talker or an explainer and I have taken that in my stride even though to me the world makes so much more sense when things are explained and said. Then there is the fact that the man is in a form of unemployment and that was ok with me. I settled with the fact that I could never get those nice gifts or even be taken to fancy places. To even take it a mile further, I had no issues with paying for things because I understood and it didn’t bother me. If anyone were to hear that they would laugh in my face and have my head read. All the petrol I wasted on visits and the time I put in. then there is that other idiot who we shall call Aden. Now for him, I walked on hot coals. I had to put up with the most obnoxious cousin of his who was everything that I had come to despise of the human race flaws. She was like the personification of what I never wanted to become or deal with ever on a personal level. But because I had said I love you and meant it, I compromised all my pride and beliefs for him. I took that in my stride and I made sure that this cousin never felt the effects of another woman in her older brother’s life. I smiled and took it and even though it broke me – I knew that I was doing it for a good reason. Then there was the tendency that he had to lash out on me whenever he had a bad day. Man now that was something. But like a loyal woman to her man, I took it and accepted that this was his way of handling issues. I also had to compromise my dream of a man who would love me enough to even make sure that the people around him who had anything against me would have to deal with it because I am what he wants and I make him happy so whoever else had to just pick a number and shut the hell up. He didn’t. Instead I had to fend for myself and keep on proving to those people that I was on their side with a whole lot of but licking and kissing.
Should I carry on?

Look I am not saying that I am perfect or anything but like I have done so many times before I would also want someone who would be willing to take me warts and all even though it seems like he should be walking… no running in the other direction. Does such a person exist? I don’t think so and well unfortunately I am sick of looking and getting bashed every time. If he is then well he should go try his luck somewhere else because I am so tired of broken hearts. I have run out to glue to put it all back together again.

The problem with me is that I love hard and I always give my best and most with my relationships with others and well unfortunately when it comes to men, Gary has thrown it all back in my face for the last time and I am done.

I saw him yesterday and I was just neutral with him. Greeted him with a smile and made small talk. Nothing special, but the same usual things that I would talk about to any old, random person. We laughed and I moved on to other people and I was just myself. Now like I have said in the previous posts, I made sure I was hott but not going over board and not for him or anyone else but for me. Later he sends me a massage saying that he is not sure if he should be doing this but he thinks I look fabulous that evening.

Now two things passed my mind:
1. What the hell does he mean that he should not be doing this….? I guess he was thinking that by the complement, he was giving me some hope and giving me ideas that I think that he still has this unbelievable interest in me. Nope I don’t. That truth dawned on me when he said he was deciding whether he wants to be with me or not. To answer his comment I would loudly and boldly have said that well he is right – he shouldn’t have. I don’t want him looking me at me like that and that he should keep comments like that to himself because they make me sick. But I didn’t. I simply replied back with a “thank you.” The way I see it, I silently walk away because I believe I have made a fool of myself for too long. From here on he will have to work to get my attention because it is gone.

2. How dare he complement me. All the other times when I went all out and I looked dashing, he said nothing. All the times when I made sure that I looked good for him he said zilch, leaving me feeling stupid for getting all worked up and dressed up for nothing. I went out of my way to impress and wow him and all I got were all these comments from people who I didn’t want to impress and now that I have been humiliated he wants to? While on top of that he adds on an unsure note of whether he should or not.

Man this man is full of it.