emotional wreack

Ja so I finally messed up… but… I think it was for the better.

After spending my whole Saturday afternoon at a braai where Garry was too I finally lost it. He showed nothing my way (ok ok ok just one stolen look) but besides that – nothing. No sign of emotions nothing. In fact I got more attention from someone who was not there who called to say they wanted to chat to me. I mean really. He acted the very same way that he did back then – a couple of weeks before he broke up with me. So I panicked and it drove me crazy. Later on I had to take a couple of people back home (they live at the same area as him) so after they went in, I called him and told him I was right outside his building and he didn’t seem excited. He simply said that I can come in if I want. Man that just broke my heart. I mean there I was and all he could say was come in if I want? I told him it was ok and I started my car and left. But on the drive home I just knew that I couldn’t take it anymore because now I was panicking that once again I have been played for a fool by the same guy- again. So I called him and had the talk with him. I asked where we stood or what did I mean to him. I told him that I know he said he wasn’t ready but I need to know that I am not holding on to nothing. I need to know that he won’t wake up one day and realize that he doesn’t want this and once again walk away, leaving me to pick up the pieces. He said well if I want to move on then maybe I should because he can’t assure me of that. He says it was not his intention to lead me on…
(um I wonder what gave me the idea that there was something more there? Gee could it be maybe when he was on top of me kissing me? Or wow could it have been maybe when he pulled me on top of him and held me close into a passionate kiss? I wonder where I got that idea…)

…and what he was trying to do was get to know me better. He says the first time around he got with me simply for the fact that he wanted to with no further intension but he hated the fact that we could never talk for as long as we were doing now. I asked why he didn’t tell me this and he explained that he wanted to see the real me and not just what he wanted to see. He thought he was doing it right this time but it seems like I want things to happen now and unfortunately he doesn’t want it to be like that.

Once he explained that, I understood and I felt so much better but he seemed so disappointed and when I asked if I had messed things up … he said yes kind of. I also asked if he was giving up on me and he couldn’t give me a straight answer…

Wow. That hit hard.

I just kept quiet on the phone. I didn’t know how to go on from that. I just went blank. He sounded so disappointed and it hurt because it seemed like I had blown the whole thing to pieces and…

… and the fact that he wasn’t trying very hard to make me feel better was not helping. He didn’t even hu… he didn’t even try to… hu!!
He simply said well that’s who I am. That it was part of my personality.
The fact that he said I can move on if I want… well now that was something. Sho!!! Wow

I think I’m done.
I feel like we just are not on the same page. Its like we just don’t understand each other. And its like when it comes to him, I just totally loose it and I do the craziest of things. When I think on the conversations we have or the way he makes me act – I hate it because I seem like the women that I have come to hate. I come across as needy and pushy and I hate it. I like him so much and he knows that but it is just so complicated and it drives me insane.
I want him to be googoo gaga over me and I want him to fall for me hard. I want him to even though he doesn’t have it figured out but to at least know that he wants to be with me. I mean he told me that he is not sure and that he was still making his mind up but how the hell should that make me feel? I mean look there are a lot of things that I don’t have figured out myself but telling me that – even though it is supper honest and I appreciate that from him, it doesn’t make me feel wanted and loved. Do I have to put up with that?

Strangely though I finally cracked and I confided in a friend and she was happy but honest too. We haven’t been friends for long but I value her input and she laid it as is. She said that even though its not here place to decide and conclude but the way she sees it and the way she knows me – she thinks that I can do much better than that. She says she thinks I deserve much better and that she doesn’t think Gary will do me justice (well now isn’t that strange – he isn’t)



I woke up this morning and I wasn’t upset or sad or anything but I was just ok. I saw him yesterday and I was ok. I smiled at him and greeted. I cracked a couple of jokes and well I looked smashing. He through me a couple of looks and it was ok (I can’t stop the man from admiring perfection).

Look – I’m not upset or anything but I wish it could have worked out differently. Time is long over due and I think I’m taking the high way. He is still deciding if he wants to be with me or not and that’s ok but I can’t stick around especially if he could decide that he doesn’t.

Pity though is that while I walk away from him and this ridicules situation – I also walk away from this dating thing. From here onwards I want to carry on looking smashing and carry-on with my other interests. I know I have said this a lot of times but… at least I now know for sure where I stand with him – he told me so.