Hello... I'm home

“Knock knock….”

Knocker: Knock Knock….
ME: who is it?
Knocker: Knock Knock
ME: (quite irritated) who is it?
Knocker: its me. I have been gone for too long if you cant even remember that I live here.
ME: (in a rude tone) remind me again who you are.
Knocker: it’s me. You remember me. I am with you all the time. I just left for a while but I’m back now. I AM REALITY.

So as you have seen from the postings from the last couple of days, I have been living in lala land thinking that all is and will be but this past weekend the above happened – REALITY finally came back and I am supper miserable this morning.

So for the last three weeks or so, Gary and I have been doing things that couples do. The late night long phone conversations and the “no you hang up first” kind of talk. The getting to know a lot more about each other in terms of up bringing and parents and stuff. We have kissed - a lot, and we both enjoyed that. Slowly but surely I knew I was falling for him all over again but was sure that this time I was being clever and careful about it.

I decided not to push the idea of being an official couple again because I knew that he had commitment issues and because of the fear that I would loose him if I pushed for some sort of commitment. I settled with that even though, me being me, would have loved to have these things clearly defined so that I know how much to put in. In my heart it was all ok because I could see how goo goo gaga he seemed and loved the strong attention that he was giving me. In my head – it was red lights flashing all the way. My head was telling me to walk away… no to run fast for the mountains and never to look back since it still had the memories of how it all went down the first time round.
But well like so many of us, I chose to go with the heart and let all form of reasoning escape me. I ignored all advices and warnings from people who had been there before and told them that they should not compare their experiences with this one because he is different and he loves me – even though he has never said it in a way that convinced me or in a way that showed that he meant it on a whole new deeper level other than just to get his way or to shut me up. I went along blindly and convinced myself that I knew what I was doing and that I would never get too attached.
Boy was I wrong. When Reality came back, I realized that:
I did get reattached because truth be told – I was still attached from the first time round and I was still crazy about the man.
No. I don’t know what I was doing and I am sick of all this uncertainty.