What now....

i must say that things are looking so much better these days. its starange cause the urge to call him is not as bad as it has always been whenever i decide to walk away. my heart does still mis a beat when my phone rings and i do have this secret longing to just know that he can see something is up and actually miss me. but its ok. i feel no funny tension towards him or anything. i joke around with him and thats it.

yesterday at church i got so upset at myself because...
i got there and i looked dashing, with a short skirt and killer peep toes and i felt grate but i walked in and he wasnt ther. man that was a bummer. when i realized how much this had changed my mood - it was an even bigger bummer beacuse i dont want to do that anymore. in theory, i want to be able to look good just for me and my secret admires and not mainly for him. he came later and i did catch him looking at me twice. but i'm glad the urge to call has subsided and soon will be a thing in the past.

something else happend...

i met a guy. i know i know that i said i had left the dating field but this guy did something unique. he noticed my eyes and said they were pretty. he asked for my pic. he is an engineer and is kinda cute. he has this nasty laugh though and i dont like the shape of his head but its not a train smash. ok ok he has me behaving like a love stricken teenager but that ok.... i think i deserve a pick me up and well what better way to get that them from a man who met me for the first time and noticed my eyes. we met like three days ago but he has already called twice to check up on me.

ok ok i'll stop right there.

Happly ever after is not real...

Letter:

Dear_____________

Wow where do I start…

As strange as it may seem but I believe in fairy tales… or at least I used to.

To me what has always made sense was the idea of happily ever after, you know the guy meets girl and falls madly in love with her. He shows her, as impossible as it may sometimes seem - that they belong together. She agrees and they live happily ever after.

Now I have let that idea go with me through life and it has helped me stand up and dust myself off and try again every time when I have had my heart broken. I say it may seem strange, because to many, something like that is impossible. In the tale, the man goes to all lengths for the woman who he loves and he falls in love with every little thing that makes her up. He loves the way she smiles and the way that she looks when she is upset. He falls for the way she gets so worked up over the smallest of things or the way that she cracks up at the most stupid yet insignificant of things. He loves the way she calls him like 10 times a day and never gets tired of it. When she is unhappy he becomes unhappy and when she cries he is always there to hold her tight and tell her that everything will be ok even though to him it may be so clear that they won’t. Life without her is an impossible something to him because he realizes that she forms such a huge part of his life to the extent that without her, he just isn’t. When she says “I love you” everything in his world is ok.

Many have said that something like that is simply what it is meant to be – a fairy tale that will never come true…

… Sadly I am beginning to see what they mean and it hurts.

I’m tired of dusting myself off because my dress has simply gotten too dirty for me to still hold my head up and carry on with no hint of bitterness.
I look back on the last couple of months and I notice how they have been so enveloped around this one man. I thought I liked him but that is simply an under statement. I fell in love.

When we turn bitter, it simply means that we hold on to this one bad experience and even though we may say that we are over it, we really are not. From that point onwards what ever happens along the same line will always be graded on this one experience and no one ever is able to change that. I used to feel so sorry for woman who let things get to that stage yet… I sit here today and I have let the very same thing happen to me. I have finally turned bitter towards men and I doubt if it will be changed or should I rather say – I doubt if I will ever allow anybody to change that.

I woke up this morning and I had this fantasy running in my head where a guy who has been seeing me from a distance for a while now finally approaches me and lays it all out in the open. He tells me from the get go that he thinks I’m amazing and that he now has gathered up enough courage to come up to me and talk to me. He says he wants to get to know me better. I smile. And he says that smile is something he has seen so many times and he has lost count of how many times he has prayed that I will flash him that smile one day…..

Reality hit and I remembered that I have sworn off men for life.

So here is a fairy tale situation that automatically played in my head and here is my heart screaming ENOUGH with a loud speaker.

Looking down at my worn, dirty dress (from all the falling and dusting off) and thinking of how difficult it is for me to find, pick up and put together the pieces of my shattered heart, I unfortunately now finally give up on my idea of a happily ever after and join the masses in saying…

Fairy Tales do not exist…


Signed: a member of the real world

this is hard....

Wow so the decision has been finalized – I am walking away and putting my mind on other things.

Yesterday I told my friend about what I was going to do from now on and she thought all I needed was a brake. When I corrected her and told her that I actually meant that I was done and no more, she went all out to lecture me on how I should not let the bad experience of one man totally ruin things for the real Mr. Right who could be out there. But you tell me – how the hell many frogs am I supposed to kiss till I get my prince? I’m sick of it. While defending and explaining my choice, I made some amazing points some that I had not even thought of before.

Its not that I am looking for the impossible here. It’s not like I have a long list of the things that I want from a potential partner and am unwilling to alter them for no one what so ever. Compromise is something that has always been a reality for me and I have exercised it to the fullest. I mean take Gary. The man is not a grate talker or an explainer and I have taken that in my stride even though to me the world makes so much more sense when things are explained and said. Then there is the fact that the man is in a form of unemployment and that was ok with me. I settled with the fact that I could never get those nice gifts or even be taken to fancy places. To even take it a mile further, I had no issues with paying for things because I understood and it didn’t bother me. If anyone were to hear that they would laugh in my face and have my head read. All the petrol I wasted on visits and the time I put in. then there is that other idiot who we shall call Aden. Now for him, I walked on hot coals. I had to put up with the most obnoxious cousin of his who was everything that I had come to despise of the human race flaws. She was like the personification of what I never wanted to become or deal with ever on a personal level. But because I had said I love you and meant it, I compromised all my pride and beliefs for him. I took that in my stride and I made sure that this cousin never felt the effects of another woman in her older brother’s life. I smiled and took it and even though it broke me – I knew that I was doing it for a good reason. Then there was the tendency that he had to lash out on me whenever he had a bad day. Man now that was something. But like a loyal woman to her man, I took it and accepted that this was his way of handling issues. I also had to compromise my dream of a man who would love me enough to even make sure that the people around him who had anything against me would have to deal with it because I am what he wants and I make him happy so whoever else had to just pick a number and shut the hell up. He didn’t. Instead I had to fend for myself and keep on proving to those people that I was on their side with a whole lot of but licking and kissing.
Should I carry on?

Look I am not saying that I am perfect or anything but like I have done so many times before I would also want someone who would be willing to take me warts and all even though it seems like he should be walking… no running in the other direction. Does such a person exist? I don’t think so and well unfortunately I am sick of looking and getting bashed every time. If he is then well he should go try his luck somewhere else because I am so tired of broken hearts. I have run out to glue to put it all back together again.

The problem with me is that I love hard and I always give my best and most with my relationships with others and well unfortunately when it comes to men, Gary has thrown it all back in my face for the last time and I am done.

I saw him yesterday and I was just neutral with him. Greeted him with a smile and made small talk. Nothing special, but the same usual things that I would talk about to any old, random person. We laughed and I moved on to other people and I was just myself. Now like I have said in the previous posts, I made sure I was hott but not going over board and not for him or anyone else but for me. Later he sends me a massage saying that he is not sure if he should be doing this but he thinks I look fabulous that evening.

Now two things passed my mind:
1. What the hell does he mean that he should not be doing this….? I guess he was thinking that by the complement, he was giving me some hope and giving me ideas that I think that he still has this unbelievable interest in me. Nope I don’t. That truth dawned on me when he said he was deciding whether he wants to be with me or not. To answer his comment I would loudly and boldly have said that well he is right – he shouldn’t have. I don’t want him looking me at me like that and that he should keep comments like that to himself because they make me sick. But I didn’t. I simply replied back with a “thank you.” The way I see it, I silently walk away because I believe I have made a fool of myself for too long. From here on he will have to work to get my attention because it is gone.

2. How dare he complement me. All the other times when I went all out and I looked dashing, he said nothing. All the times when I made sure that I looked good for him he said zilch, leaving me feeling stupid for getting all worked up and dressed up for nothing. I went out of my way to impress and wow him and all I got were all these comments from people who I didn’t want to impress and now that I have been humiliated he wants to? While on top of that he adds on an unsure note of whether he should or not.

Man this man is full of it.

emotional wreack

Ja so I finally messed up… but… I think it was for the better.

After spending my whole Saturday afternoon at a braai where Garry was too I finally lost it. He showed nothing my way (ok ok ok just one stolen look) but besides that – nothing. No sign of emotions nothing. In fact I got more attention from someone who was not there who called to say they wanted to chat to me. I mean really. He acted the very same way that he did back then – a couple of weeks before he broke up with me. So I panicked and it drove me crazy. Later on I had to take a couple of people back home (they live at the same area as him) so after they went in, I called him and told him I was right outside his building and he didn’t seem excited. He simply said that I can come in if I want. Man that just broke my heart. I mean there I was and all he could say was come in if I want? I told him it was ok and I started my car and left. But on the drive home I just knew that I couldn’t take it anymore because now I was panicking that once again I have been played for a fool by the same guy- again. So I called him and had the talk with him. I asked where we stood or what did I mean to him. I told him that I know he said he wasn’t ready but I need to know that I am not holding on to nothing. I need to know that he won’t wake up one day and realize that he doesn’t want this and once again walk away, leaving me to pick up the pieces. He said well if I want to move on then maybe I should because he can’t assure me of that. He says it was not his intention to lead me on…
(um I wonder what gave me the idea that there was something more there? Gee could it be maybe when he was on top of me kissing me? Or wow could it have been maybe when he pulled me on top of him and held me close into a passionate kiss? I wonder where I got that idea…)

…and what he was trying to do was get to know me better. He says the first time around he got with me simply for the fact that he wanted to with no further intension but he hated the fact that we could never talk for as long as we were doing now. I asked why he didn’t tell me this and he explained that he wanted to see the real me and not just what he wanted to see. He thought he was doing it right this time but it seems like I want things to happen now and unfortunately he doesn’t want it to be like that.

Once he explained that, I understood and I felt so much better but he seemed so disappointed and when I asked if I had messed things up … he said yes kind of. I also asked if he was giving up on me and he couldn’t give me a straight answer…

Wow. That hit hard.

I just kept quiet on the phone. I didn’t know how to go on from that. I just went blank. He sounded so disappointed and it hurt because it seemed like I had blown the whole thing to pieces and…

… and the fact that he wasn’t trying very hard to make me feel better was not helping. He didn’t even hu… he didn’t even try to… hu!!
He simply said well that’s who I am. That it was part of my personality.
The fact that he said I can move on if I want… well now that was something. Sho!!! Wow

I think I’m done.
I feel like we just are not on the same page. Its like we just don’t understand each other. And its like when it comes to him, I just totally loose it and I do the craziest of things. When I think on the conversations we have or the way he makes me act – I hate it because I seem like the women that I have come to hate. I come across as needy and pushy and I hate it. I like him so much and he knows that but it is just so complicated and it drives me insane.
I want him to be googoo gaga over me and I want him to fall for me hard. I want him to even though he doesn’t have it figured out but to at least know that he wants to be with me. I mean he told me that he is not sure and that he was still making his mind up but how the hell should that make me feel? I mean look there are a lot of things that I don’t have figured out myself but telling me that – even though it is supper honest and I appreciate that from him, it doesn’t make me feel wanted and loved. Do I have to put up with that?

Strangely though I finally cracked and I confided in a friend and she was happy but honest too. We haven’t been friends for long but I value her input and she laid it as is. She said that even though its not here place to decide and conclude but the way she sees it and the way she knows me – she thinks that I can do much better than that. She says she thinks I deserve much better and that she doesn’t think Gary will do me justice (well now isn’t that strange – he isn’t)



I woke up this morning and I wasn’t upset or sad or anything but I was just ok. I saw him yesterday and I was ok. I smiled at him and greeted. I cracked a couple of jokes and well I looked smashing. He through me a couple of looks and it was ok (I can’t stop the man from admiring perfection).

Look – I’m not upset or anything but I wish it could have worked out differently. Time is long over due and I think I’m taking the high way. He is still deciding if he wants to be with me or not and that’s ok but I can’t stick around especially if he could decide that he doesn’t.

Pity though is that while I walk away from him and this ridicules situation – I also walk away from this dating thing. From here onwards I want to carry on looking smashing and carry-on with my other interests. I know I have said this a lot of times but… at least I now know for sure where I stand with him – he told me so.

Hello... I'm home

“Knock knock….”

Knocker: Knock Knock….
ME: who is it?
Knocker: Knock Knock
ME: (quite irritated) who is it?
Knocker: its me. I have been gone for too long if you cant even remember that I live here.
ME: (in a rude tone) remind me again who you are.
Knocker: it’s me. You remember me. I am with you all the time. I just left for a while but I’m back now. I AM REALITY.

So as you have seen from the postings from the last couple of days, I have been living in lala land thinking that all is and will be but this past weekend the above happened – REALITY finally came back and I am supper miserable this morning.

So for the last three weeks or so, Gary and I have been doing things that couples do. The late night long phone conversations and the “no you hang up first” kind of talk. The getting to know a lot more about each other in terms of up bringing and parents and stuff. We have kissed - a lot, and we both enjoyed that. Slowly but surely I knew I was falling for him all over again but was sure that this time I was being clever and careful about it.

I decided not to push the idea of being an official couple again because I knew that he had commitment issues and because of the fear that I would loose him if I pushed for some sort of commitment. I settled with that even though, me being me, would have loved to have these things clearly defined so that I know how much to put in. In my heart it was all ok because I could see how goo goo gaga he seemed and loved the strong attention that he was giving me. In my head – it was red lights flashing all the way. My head was telling me to walk away… no to run fast for the mountains and never to look back since it still had the memories of how it all went down the first time round.
But well like so many of us, I chose to go with the heart and let all form of reasoning escape me. I ignored all advices and warnings from people who had been there before and told them that they should not compare their experiences with this one because he is different and he loves me – even though he has never said it in a way that convinced me or in a way that showed that he meant it on a whole new deeper level other than just to get his way or to shut me up. I went along blindly and convinced myself that I knew what I was doing and that I would never get too attached.
Boy was I wrong. When Reality came back, I realized that:
I did get reattached because truth be told – I was still attached from the first time round and I was still crazy about the man.
No. I don’t know what I was doing and I am sick of all this uncertainty.