i hate tea...

so there i was yesterday surfing the net for nothing specific when i stumbled on a report on GREEN TEA. so i read through it and believe it or not but green tea has some antioxidents in it that assists with weight lose. can you believe it?

so it means that if i have some hope of loosing this buldge on my tummy then i should be huge friends with tea. eish. apperently the stuff boosts your immune system (well together with the ability to assist with a million other things such as preventing cancer and all other deadly things).

i'm sorry to sound so ignorent but its just that i hate hearing about all these deadly things that

we have no controll over. on top of that i dont want to become a health

conscience freak because when you think about it really - you go on

eating all healthy so that you can prevent dying from something serious like

heart malfunction when being hit by a bus will result in the same effect.

how do you prevent a stray bullet from killing you?

how do you stop a psyco from taking your life along with their own?

so u see. i beieve in seize the moment and make sure you treat the people

arround as if you were seeing them for the last time cause in this crazy

world - it could just be.

ok back to the tea. i hate tea. it tasts wierd and is associated with the old and infirm. i hate tea with a passion but i think i hate the buldge on my tummy more. so after work i'm getting me a box of green tea. eish (man!!! i hate tea)

in the end, we will know...

i must say that i feel much better than i did yesterday. i guess i just had another panic moment (my life is supper filled with those). how did i find me zen again l0l... well

i posted a question with yahoo answers and asked the community to help me put this whole situation in clear terms for me. what i wanted was to hear the honest opinion of somebody who would not be influenced by emotions because they were connected to either him or me. and well that's what i got.
turns out that some of my fears were real and it was not me just trying to sabotage my own happiness or me just not wanting to see the good in this person. most of the answers showed that this man was messing me about and i was just falling right in to it. look don't get me wrong or anything but i love the man and after all else i do still think that if push came to shove i would still walk a mile for him but now let us be realistic - what is the point of me doing all that if he will not appreciate it? what is the point of me wanting to put it all out there for him if he will take it like just another case of another girl who has fallen for him? you know what i don't get is how do you not see that a person is willing to do all that for you?

its not that I'm trying to put me on some pedestal here - i also maybe guilty of that at some point in my life. i dated a guy back in high school and he was just so in love with me. his idea was that we become the famous high school sweethearts with the relationship that would stand the test of time, roumers and all else in between. but now as time went on i hated just how much he loved me. i hated how he would agree with all that i said and just went out of his way to make me happy. it all ended with me not being able to even allow him to touch me let alone kiss me. eish! and as tragic for him as it was - i ended the relationship in like three months or so.
could it be that i did the same thing to Gary? now that I'm on the receiving end of something that maybe similar to the one back in high school it hurts like crazy and i hate it.

well with all that said and done - i am working towards a new goal now. i will not allow myself to fall for Gary like i did before and if he does really have the idea of us together again then i want him to show it in word and deed. i will not give him the cold shoulder or anything like that but i will let him be the initiator of everything. he will make the phone calls. he will arrange the hang out sessions and everything else.

if he does not... then i guess in the end, we will know...

PS: in the mean time - i want to have even more fun and carry on to meet new and exiting people. i want to carry on and build stronger relationships with the amazing people around me and hay basically carry on having a blast.

How...

so the saga with Gary and i carries on and even though yesterday i was on some high because i had found out what the issues with me are - to day i find me back in that deep hole again and if at all possible i think i'm much deeper than i was yesterday.

i called him last night despite my better judgement and i actually got all excited when he said he was just about to call me too (excited that is before the idea of maybe he is lying crept into my head). i wish i had maybe waited and let him call me. i felt so dumn but got over it as the convo went on. i woke up and i felt even more dumner - if that was even possible. its just that i cant help but shake the feeling that all this will blow up in my face again. i mean the last time he explained that the reason why he dropped me like that was because he didn't know how to tell me what he was going through and he panacked because he knew that i would end up hurt. i get all that and i supper undersatnd but what will stop all that happening again? what happens when something comes up again? and to make it worse, the fact that this time round all this is not defined, does it not make much more sence to predict that the fall will even be worse because hell - he dont owe me nothing this time round. why the hell do i feel like i'm walking blindly into this?

the last time round when we ended, i depended so much on my girl friends and they came to the party full force. the did all that you would expect them to do. they felt my pain and hated him when i did. they did not try to explain him because they liked him but they bad mouthed him with me and listend to me go on and on and on. but know it so happend that beacuse i'm not a fan of holding on to issues and that i hate leaving things hanging, i made peace with him but they still held on to their hate for him. i heard his reason and understood and they didnt. infact when they see us together all they can do really is to warn me not to even think of taking that road again. all this now means that i cant even turn to them for advice on the above predicument. i cant tell anyone and it is driving me insane.

i want him to be the one chasing after me. i want him to be making all the calls and him to tell me that he misses me as much as i miss him. i hate the fact that all i can think of is calling him and talking to him.

ok so sometimes i am able to convince myself to stop freaking out and call him but then immidiatly after the call i cant help but feel so stupid and angry about that. when talking to him, he says things like he is glad i called and that he enjoys talking to me but somehow that does not make me feel the love. i guess i want to hear him say the words. as simple and stupid as it sounds, i think it would go a long way if he were to say"baby you rock my world and i like you so much"

am i being insecure? am i putting to much feeling into this?

all these questions....

New take on things...

this conversation changed a lot.

(i know its long but...)

[2008/07/07 10:09:09] Randzo says: tell me.... what are ur thoughts on booty calls? no not the classic type but… ie intemate moments with someone yet no commitments
[2008/07/07 10:18:00] Nick says: same as hooking up?
[2008/07/07 10:20:58] Randzo says: well ya something like that... its just... ya something like that
[2008/07/07 10:22:37] Nick says: well it's not good! y ask
[2008/07/07 10:23:48] Randzo says: think i'm stuck in something like that and just dying to let go or demand a commitment eish u men r so difficult. then they say we woman are hectic
[2008/07/07 10:31:05] Nick says: Ya, thing is it's a very dangerous situation , as one person can get really hurt, or it can lead to something else that u don't want to happen!
[2008/07/07 10:33:20] Randzo says: ya true.... hate the fact that i cant tell anyone about it so its just giving me sleepless nights. eish... ya ne... the things we get out ourselves into but then again knowing me... i could be stressing about nothing and the man could be getting to the part were he says he can't go on without me... so ya. :D;)
[2008/07/07 10:36:07] Nick says: well at least get to some agreement with him.... know where he stands and where u stand!
[2008/07/07 10:37:55] Randzo says: worried that i may ruin a good thing. thing is we were official a while back and well we sort of are getting the fire going again and worried that if we were to define it then things will go sour again
[2008/07/07 10:41:31] Nick says: well look! if your intensions R not just fooling around and neither are his, then u don't need to define it, u can just go with the flow, but if he decides to go out if it...... are u gonna feel like he was using you!
[2008/07/07 10:44:28] Randzo says: i already feel like that... (have u not noticed the huge Louis Viton bags under my eyes as a result of sleepless nights?) he does say how much he likes me... and we do talk for hours on the phone almost every night. man how does something so simple become so complicated...
[2008/07/07 10:50:05] Nick says: well ask him what he wants (but show him that u r willing to comply with that) but not the i will do anything 4 u! no! but like "i can adjust if thats what u want"
[2008/07/07 10:51:24] Randzo says: what if what he wants is this...
[2008/07/07 10:52:10] Nick says: like intimacy but no commitment....
[2008/07/07 10:52:21] Randzo says: yeah...
[2008/07/07 10:55:51] Nick says: thats hard. Does he understand that it can't last for ever...?
[2008/07/07 10:59:15] Randzo says: dont know. like i said the dude does say how much he likes me and he does take the time to call and talk for hours on the phone with me. we learning new things about each other all the time (well at least i am) so i dont know.... :@ i just dont know and am supper confused. suddently the bridge does not look so bad (u know satnding on the edge and all)
[2008/07/07 11:06:18] Nick says: eish..... i'm also confused...
[2008/07/07 12:05:20] Randzo says: imagin how i feel.
[2008/07/07 12:07:59] Nick says: ya.... go ahead....... kill your self
[2008/07/07 12:08:06] Nick says: Just kidding.....
[2008/07/07 12:08:33] Randzo says: ok look.... here it is
[2008/07/07 12:08:44] Nick says: ya what?
[2008/07/07 12:09:01] Randzo says: i'm going to brake it down to u
[2008/07/07 12:09:10] Nick says: plz do!
[2008/07/07 12:13:12] Randzo says: met a guy and dated for four months. because of reasons i couldnt control he broke up with me. things got awkward but l8a we started chatting again and getting comfy around eachother again. then recently (like 6 months after brake up) we start flirting again and joking around. then the phon calls start and they become longer that they were even when we are dating. we kiss. he says he still likes me a lot and i too. but he aint ready and is afraid of hurting me again. i get all that. now these kissing sessions become more and we start hanging out. we carry on talking for long on the phone and kiss more but we havnt toched on where all this is going...
[2008/07/07 12:13:31] Randzo says: what do u think. semi booty call or not?
[2008/07/07 12:37:24] Nick says: not a booty call! your are dating again, but don't wanna admit it! Booty call is when u have a GF on the side. and both of u are fine with that! .... i don't think that is the situation ... or is it?
[2008/07/07 12:43:42] Randzo says: wow. i have never thought of it in that awy "dating without admiting it" um...... u have just helped me make up my mind. wow thanks. and i aws panaking a while back. wow. the sun is shining (was having trouble seeing that)

MY THOUGHTS

so the whole of yesterday i was like a storm. all i could think about was what to do next... in the Gary issue i mean. i was just panacking and failing to enjoy the moment. after the above convo, i realised that i was sabotaging something that made me happy and the potential that it could become something more.

the man hurt me a lot and since we started talking again, i have come to understand a whole lot of the reasons behind the barke up and have felt so much better because it wasnt because of something on my side.

i have this tendency to always want to understand and define things. i usually push for things to happen and that has resulted in people being intimidated by me and people thinking i'm way too ambitous. that is what i tried doing with this. i do want more. and because of that i nearly ruiend what i have now.

dont get me wrong... i know i deserve more but for now i like this undefined, not serious thing that we have going and i am liking seeing him fall for me hard.

so there it is...

Confused...

Why is it that this man is the source of all my confusion and stress and agonies...so things are happening.We have gotten into the habit of calling each other now and I’m liking it big time. We speak for hours on the phone most nights (like Saturday night we spent like four hours on the phone talking about nothing really). I’m learning new things about the man and am liking how unlike the last time round he actually is communicating.He says things to me that make me smile.
Like when I have to get off the phone he would say "oh so now u wanna leave?" then I would say "no! its just that I have to get some sleep else I will walk around with all these bags under my eyes then no one will want to marry me then you would be forced to do so because you forced me into this state" then he would reply and say "well maybe that is what I am aiming for"
He came over this weekend and well things got heated. He touched me like he used to and he kissed me like I have always craved that he would. But...
... but why the hell do I feel so unhappy? I feel like I am just entertainment to pass on time because we are doing all this yet the other day he did admit that he was not ready and that he doesn’t want to hurt me. Then what the hell is this?
If I was in my normal senses - I would get on the phone and ask that he define what the hell is going on between us. But fact is I am not in my normal senses and I have this huge fear that if I push for a definition - I just may ruin this....
u know while thinking about this I got thinking of a time when my dad once said that if a guy is acting like this then he don’t like you. I mean if he did then he would not let stuff get in between being with me if he really wanted. And he would not be worried about hurting me because he would not be aiming at that. And if he did beyond his control then he would go the lengths to fix things.
do I like Gary to that extend that I would be willing to be used like this and not demand that he define what we have for fear that he might walk away...
I’m so confused...

updates...

over the last couple of days our connection has been down so i could not post anything.

here is a bit of what has happend over the last couple of days...

Somebody explain it to me please…

What exactly is it about Gary and me? I mean when does it all end? I want my senses back and I wanna feel normal again. I want to not think about him again and I want to damn finally get over him and move on to all the more verities of fish still left in the sea for me.

I get so nervous

Well I don’t know why but here is the situation…
Thing is every time when I know that I will see him or when I know that I have to call him – breathing becomes a bit difficult. Its just that I don’t get what is going on between us. Don’t get me wrong I am all for doing things just for the heck of it and in my experience I have seen that when we try to define some things we simply make them complicated. But now with him I think we just have so much history that just that makes it complicated. I feel so unsure about the way I feel about this new attraction that we have going.

We talk for hours on the phone, we flirt a bit…

Ok look I for one like the fact that the man can see that even though he let me go he is still super attracted to me and it would be my wish to carry the flirting on and on and get him rehooked then once that has happened – remind him that it was him that dropped me. Or maybe still be on the look out for a man who will treat me the way that I deserve then once I have found him stop the flirting with Gary and if he acts all hurt and disappointed – remind him that he is the one that dropped me and that because he said I shouldn’t wait around for him, I simply moved on.
Its just that the fact that he is in this state – revenge would be so grate!!!
The man must be killed for what he did to me and the fact that he is even caring on with the flirting is supper sickening and… and… oh so enjoyable.

That’s the thing that has me all wired up the wrong way.
I still have the strongest feelings for the man. The long talks that we have resumed and the flirting has me falling so much harder for him. He makes me smile and has me skipping about.


I have come to another realization though….

What was it that connected to us? You know, since him admitting that he had and still has this huge physical attraction to me, it has me wondering and questioning myself what more besides the physical as he says is there that connects us….

So here is an attempt by me to come with a list of the things that I like about him:

He makes me laugh
He is mysteries
He is unique
He has the craziest imagination
He is loving
Shy (at times)
He is himself and does not try to be some one else.
Vibrant
Tells it like it is
Love the way that he at times has trouble with explaining himself
He is able to give me personal attention. Exclusive attention. (like the sort where he will stop all that he is doing to attend to me).

Ok ok when you look at these things, are they some of the things that would cause you to fall for a man like madly? I am the first to admit that there is something about him that just keeps drawing me back – is it because I don’t know him that well that has me wanting to know more? Because if that is the case then what will happen once I do? Will he become a bore?

You know there is a song which has the lyrics that “love hurts when you do it right” is this it? Because I don’t think that even though this love thing is difficult – it has to be this hectic. I mean how the hell much am I supposed to take from this one situation?

Why can’t I just walk away…?


The weekend…

Wow a lot has happened since I last updated on the upheavals of my life….

This weekend I was with Gary and things happened. We kissed!!
I know what you are thinking but its not like that at all because this time unlike the last time I am not left feeling like an idiot. But something did happen and I think this may just have been what I have been looking for this whole time.

He made up some excuse so that we had a bit of privacy (I was there with my friend). He got his roomie to give us a bit of space and when we were left all alone – he put his arms around me and kissed me. It felt so good. He told me that we shouldn’t be doing this and that it was wrong. I asked why and he said because he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he was afraid that he would hurt me again. Then he puts his hands around my face, looks me in the eyes and says, “but I still like you so much…” then he kissed me again.

Now at that time I had no issues because all I was thinking was that my lips had to get some action and that I had missed the man doing that for the longest time. But then he let go and I got my jacket. He pulled me near again and kissed me again but now there was something different – I kissed him back for a while then I pushed him away!!!

I know how strange that seemed maybe even to him but I don’t know – something inside me snapped. True, this was something that I had wanted or at least thought I wanted so much – for him to hold me and kiss me and tell me that he still wants me. I, at that moment (when we went for another round of the smooching and touching), realized that I want more and that this was not it.

Here I am at the peak of my life (having just turned 21) and I have so many things going for me. I have a grate job, I earn enough to allow me an ok life, I have a good relationship with my parents, I have a truck load of friends and even more precious – a grate circle of close ones, I drive my own car and I have a life time of amazing memories that keep improving everyday. With all this and more – I think… no… I know that I deserve to have a man that will want me and me alone and no one else. A man that will make a way even when there seems to be none. A man that will go over mountains for me and treat me like I am his life. This one, (Gary), knows that he wants me but is allowing whatever it is that he has stuck in his life to not have me. I mean here is a man who wants a girl. Well the girl wants him too and she ain’t playn hard to get or messing with him but she has put it in plain words and clear actions that she is very game. What more is there to deliberate over? She wants him and he wants her.
But if he wont see it that way and see me as worthy and deserving of giving it all up for me and will carry on messing me around like this then he is not the man for me. Because I know I have so much of all the above to give and a ton more.
So ya that’s it… I am really done now and I walk away not hurt or sad and not hating but with a head held high and the feeling that this was grate but not for me… some girl maybe.