Random Thoughts

its amazing how through bad expiriance and hard leasons we are able to adapt to whatever it is that we have to.

it has been a couple of weeks now and i have been going sterdy but strong. in the last 2 weeks or so, i have spent a some cash on vemping up my wordrope and i must say that even though most of the stuff is still stuck somewhere at the back of my closet, i am proud of myself.

next i want to fix up my car. in those few weeks i have travelled a lot and found new areas i am going to be going back to for sure, so the way i see it, i cant have a strange looking car with funny sounds. so now with my next pay check, a large sum of it is going into fixing up my ride and adding on a few extra new features.

then there is the proof that i have found that says " this girl has walked away"
i once again was in the season with Gary and he did what he always does when he has no other bimbo to turn to and once again realizes how appealing to him i am. last week he flerted like no one's business and even called just to chat. then on a very cold day, he made remarks about how it would be nice to share a blanket with me in this cold weather (ok ok i admit, the thought of that had me blushing) but nope... it did not have me caving in like so many times before. i simply laughed it off, flerted a bit in return but left him hanging. the next time i saw him, he was brief with me and made no long eye contact like he always does. i see him again tonight and i wonder what he will do. wow i must say that it feels grate though to finally not be feeling bad that he left me. i see the way the man looks at me when i'm straughting my stuff and i would give a bit to know what he is thinking although actions do speak loder than words. wow i am finally free and it feels grate.

i wonder if the time that i am taking off for the healing will end some of the trust doubts that i have. will there ever come a time when i will not compair every little new expiriace to the scaring that Gary has done. let me explain:
well remember i told you about meeting a certain guy....? now we shall refer to him as SAM. thing is, despite what i or he may say, there is a huge attraction between us and yes when we are around each othere the sparks do fly buy with every thing that he says or does i am left wondering if he is for real. no i am not saying that he should be all googoo ga ga over me or anything but you know the little things that he does only for me. i was with him this past weekend and he kept laying the flirting on very strong but each time i kept pushing him away that at the end he gave up... i know, i know.

im sitting here wondering if i should explain to him that im a mess at the moment. yo i have started that email so many times but each time i keep finding just reason why to just leave it. yes i am bottling up and not ready to open all that up to him as yet.

ok ok enough of the gloom...
i hope things do sort themseves out with time though cause yo... this is not a place i wanna be at!!!