i cant carry on like this

This is not what it is supposed to be like and frankly I'm sick of it.
See my love, the idea was that because you exude this fee spirit and relaxed attitude, you were supposed to gel with me and hopefully rub off on me so as to complement my free spirit but it seems like I have had the rug pulled from under my feet cause hell this is crap.
What is this with you and all the hidden issues? There is no way I can compete with your past esp. since I know nothing about it and even now, about 6 months later, you still refuse to let me in on. For a man who has it in his head that I'm perfect for him and you want to marry me, you sure have a very funny way of showing it. I will not thrive on hidden agendas and secrets that I have no idea of.
Its already bad enough that I come from a world completely parallel from yours and I have every desire to understand and learn about your world but I cant walk around in the dark no more – you need to let me in and guide me at least for the first time.
I would like to believe that I'm the type of woman made of that really strong tuff that can take and handle a lot but its times like this when I know I have reached my limit.
I cant carry on like this and its time I let you know.

The "S" word

it has been a while...

i was brought up under very stict religious beliefs that have now also become my own beliefs so yes to a lot of people's jaw hanging response: I DO NOT BELIEVE IN SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE.

at this current moment, i am 22 years, 3 months and 7 days old and yes i have nevr had sex before (have come close a couple of times but...). please do not be confussed by this. i would like to think that even in my state of being clueless, i am very in touch with my sexual side.

i bring this up at this moment because my boyfriend and i got down to discussing the finer details of this subject. i do not look at this as an impedimant on my side cause i fully undersatand my reasns for waiting but ofcause with all unknown things, a certain level of nervousness comes along and all these questions pop up.

i have no doubt in my head that this is the man that i want to marry and ofcause that means he is the one that i want to loose it to as well but i can help feel a little pissed at times imagining the traumor that come with that first time. all the what ifs and maybes.

• what if im not good at it? (ok sure time will tell and expiriance will come with much grater enjoyment) but
• what if i dont enjoy it at all? (well then i wouldnt know what its supposed to be like so ziltch disappointment) but
• what if its terrible for him and he becomes misrable all his life?
• will it hurt that much? (having read up on all bilogical things that should take place...)
• what if cant stand being with him intimatly like that.
• what if it gets all embarrasing and awkward? (well i have made it clear to him that he will have to be gentil with me considering my verginity)

he goes on about how he is looking foward to our honeymoon and all im thinking is - heck i can so wait considering what i am about to go through.

people... this is the kind of thinking that will ensure that i loose it.

plese excuse me while i go slit my wrists.