signs...

i dont know.

maybe that is whats finally happening.

i think finally after years of hectic love struck love, im finally getting over it - only a little though.



i have been in love with Gary for the longest time and i was/am convinced that he is the only man for me and that i will be happy only when i'm with him but lately...


its strange but i find that im not so obssesed about him as before.im a lot calmer and need him less. there are days when im so comfortable with not calling him and him not calling. i have no issues with going the whole week without talking to him and wel have even stopped expecting that i will see him during the wekend or even that he will call me up to make plans (he has never).
i have this idea that now that he has me back, he has switched off all the romance or whatever it is that has men calling every moment and them having all those goo goo ga ga names for you. funny - cant even remember when he last said he loved me first...

the strangest most wierdest part of it all is that - i aint even super upset about it. if theman dosnt want to then hell wh the hell would i want to convince him other wise right...

at this moment, for all i care, the man that had me convinced that forever exists can wither up and... DIE (metophorically)

The 3 P's of Love

ok ok so having read through the first 2 chapters of the book (Act like a lady, Think like a man) i have a couple of things to check through.

The book discribes what it calls the 3 P's of love: Profess, Protect & Provide.
while reading through them i couldnt help but check What Steve Harvey says against my man.

let me brake it down:



PROFESS: when a man is in love with you or is serious about you he will have a title for you. these are titles such as baby, my woman, my lady, my girlfriend etc. these are the titles that he will introduce you to people using or put it in some conversations just so to convay the idea that he is with someone and that you are taken. he will show this in public and will actually even take the effort to introduce you to everyone. HE WANTS EVERYONE TO GET THAT BOTH YOU AND HIM ARE TAKEN - BY EACH OTHER

MY MAN:

well thats where it all started. its like he went out of his way to get my attention by doing these little things not limited to private settings (like the time he took off my heels when i complined that my feet were killing me. he went down on one knee in front of everyone and he took thm off for me). then things got even worse when he was campaining that we try again. after church service, he would be by my side. he would save seats for me next to him and pull me closer when hanging out with his roomies. these things of cuse would not confuse a passer by as to what was going on between us. not that he would say it out laud but i would like to take that as his way of doing it esp. cause its not limited to one time. besides, he says certain things that claim me as his. his actions are screeming louder then his word.

Result: PASS (with flying colours)

PROTECT: as in the animal kingdom, a male will at all times protect his own. men are brought up to know that he should go to all lengths to protect his own. his family shall not be thretened and he just sit back and do nothing. at times even though it seems like there is not much he can do, he will do something. its in his make up, its his place. if he trully loves you, he will protect you.

MY MAN:

now this was a little dificult to do. finding where he does this that is. see the thing about that man of mine is that he aint no fusser. he does not get worked up over anything and he will not over react to anything. he stays calm and will just walk away. just as i was starting on a new bout of depression, it hits me. there was and incident once where i suppose he failed to kep it together and nature took over. remember the event with my friend? thats when he got all crazy. yeah... thats it. back then i was not with him yet i suppose he felt the nedd to claim over me and protect me from potentials. then there is the little irritation he showed when i kept telling him about some dude who just wont leave me alone. so the man does love me. and even though at times he may not give in to showing that he wants to protect me, he does...!!! lol

Result: Pass(scraping through)

PROVIDE: now a man will provide for his own. his natural role is being the brad winner. be the one who will make sure that everyone is taken care of. this means he wil pay the bills. he will pay for dinner or the movie ticket or whatever needs to be taken care of. this oes not mean that he has to be rolling in ti. even when he is broke he will find ways to provide. maybe fix something of yours that is broken or even call in fvors with friends when you need help with something that he cant do.

MY MAN:

UM UM UMM. this is still something we will have to work on with him. look he does do the movie ticket and all and yes he isnt exactly rolling in it. he does though get the things i like when i come over like once in a while get me that slice of chocolate cake or even a slap to share. thats all rosy and all but i would like to keep an eye out for this just to find more proof.

Result: Re-eveluate.

CONCLUTION:

he may not be perfect and he may not have it all but one thing is for sure - he oes love me. at times i dont get what level he is on r what is going on in his head but love me he does.

i suppose its not that i needed some book to prove that. i think i spent so much time worried and looking out or all those obviously visible huge things that i missed the real, from the heart smaller things. one of the reasons im still around after all the drama and tears i have been trough for this man, is ecause i cant imagin my life with anyone but him. as much as it at times freaks me out to hear him talk about future us the one moment and nothing the next, the one major thing is that he loves me and i just need to trust in that.

Personal note: baby, i may be a little psycho at times but deep down know that i know that you love me. for all that and a bit more you may do unknown to me - THANK YOU.

"Act like a lady, think like a man" by Steve Harvey

so i saw show on Oprah last night regarding this book and i was immidiatly hooked.

it seems that there is so much that we woman just dont get about men and there is equaly so much about woman that men dont get.

im at a place where im very confused as to how my man's mind works and i would love nothing else but to sit him down and explain to him how much all his strange behavier is totally throwing me off. i mean take for example - he will call and just listen to me talk. when i eventually get to a pause after telling him a mouthfull and ask what he wants to tell me, the answer i get is : nothing!!

now dont get me wrong or anything - i love the man but sho he sho is a piece of work to figure out.

AS BASED ON THE COMMENT I GOT ON THE LAST POST:



we are brought up to believe that love like in the movies exists and that is what we should hold on to and settle for nothing less. just like Snow White's Prince, he should give it all for us to the extent of kissing our dead lips and declaring undying love to our dead self. and also just like Shrek, he should let go of all the stigma on how he feels about certain things and consider only the fact that he loves us. but we seem to miss other really grate important facts like:



1) the Princess loved the frog so much that she kissed it regardless of it being a frog and

2) it was Beaty's love the broke the Beast's spell.



you see, as girls, we should be willing to give just as much as we are getting - even more at times. the male species is not made with this "read mind" gene that we expect and just as much as we at times feel unsure, so do they.



this man is teaching me so much. he is helping me remember that i am me and i am an individual that exists and existed before he came along.

you see the thing that made sense to me was dropping everything for him. what made sense to me was being at his back and call at all times should he require. i mean after all my girls could not give that slight butterfly-in-my-tummy feeling that he had seemed to master.



the insanity of all this only hit home near our brake up when he coldly said that it seemed like i wanted things to move really fast. that it seemed like i wanted to skip all steps and immidiatly be at the inseprable stage. as hurtful as it was to hear that, it also opened my eyes to the fact that all the things that seem to fall into place in the movies was not the same thing in real like. thathe is him and has his own way of doing things.

in a future blog i shall lay out all the things about him that are... him

The Art Of Pace:

Don’t know if its issues that I have or if its general, I have a thing whereby I just want to spend most of my time with him. Even though I am well aware of the fact that I could smother the poor man, I still have that huge need. I think the thing about us girls is that we tend to fall hard and very fast all at once that we tend to sometimes skip a couple of the essential steps, like giving him the opportunity to miss you (maybe that would explain why there are so many articles on this very topic in woman magazines. Someone out there who has figured it out is working hard to stamp it in our minds).
You know mos what I mean. Waiting by the phone every night with bated breath just waiting for it to ring and be him telling you that all he could think about was you (all those lies that we girls at times want to hear).

Well here I am stuck with a man who knows these are lies and what’s more will not even entertain them. I mean the other night we had this huge discussion on that Gerald Leveret song “Mr too damn good” where my man felt why would he want to lie to me so much by telling her that he would my “stars and my moon, the smile on my face, be my favourite tune…” or even “be our everything, your everything”… huh hu hu can you believe that!!!

Ok ok so that’s a new topic on its own. Back to the one at hand…

I used to get so upset if like two days went by without him calling (and I don’t wanna call cause I was the last one to call and with a sense of pride, don’t wanna seem like I'm sitting around waiting for his call which I am but he doesn’t have to know that). I would then get on some “oh he don’t wanna talk to me today! Is that it?!”
Then I would do what every sane woman does in situations like these, call up the girls and moan about it…
Then after some jumping around and a whole lot of performing, finally decide to ignore him like the plague and make him suffer like he has made me suffer.

Then, on a simple afternoon while with a bunch of other people, he calls. Tells how his day was, asks how mine was. Tells me he misses me and that he just wanted to say hi….

You see – all I had to do was wait.

By going ahead and living my life the way I have always and doing the crazy with my girls, not only do I not scare him away by crowding him and making him feel like my world revolves around him, and by experiencing a whole lot of other things to tell him about later but I also allow him time to realize that I do have another part of me, an even exciting one that he has to work really hard to be a part of. When we do get together to do whatever, he does make sure I feel all the love… a whole lot of it and once again on my planet of dramas, there is peace and calm until a new storm of happenings rolls in again…

I think i'm getting the hang of this...

so there i was at the beginning of this thing on some new level on the who's and how's of my reborn relationship.

there was a time when it seemed like we both were fooling ourselves for believing that we could give it another shot, i mean i went through moments when i could have sworn that i could feel nothing from his side anymore. then he would not call for a while and i would loose it.

but all this, at the end of this semi hectic time frame, has taught me that i still have a whole lot of individual growing up to do. you see, the thing about us girls is that once we meet that guy we think is our "soul mate" we get into this movie like state where we have to spend every waking moment with them. where they have to at all times be telling us all these amazing things and not get enough of us and think we are way better then their mothers. that is so wrong.

see the thing that all those intelligent people have been trying to say is that you have to have a life of your own outside the "we", that way you have so much more to give to make the "we" even so much better.

i mean think about it for a moment. if you really were to spend every waking moment then hell would you not bore each other to death? even worse, would you not run out of things to say?

i say all of this cause this is a new lesson that i have been taught.

he didn't call for a while. he didn't sms. me of cause lost it and claimed that he had stopped loving me for good. when he finally did call, all he said was a lousy "hi" and turned down my offer to come over. i. of cause was crushed and ready to find me a rebound until we had one of the most romantic dates ever where he held me close, kissed me and proudly showed affection in public. yeah yeah so i fell in love all over again...

so you see.

after this eventful happening (lol) i have decided to focus also on other parts of me like try school again, finaly get my hobby off the ground and loose some damn weight then when we do spend time together, go all out and slowly but surely allow im a place in the many dimensions of me...

the one that got away

there are times when it seems like my life is from those really bad sopies...

so i ever-so-clearly hinted to Shaun (ex) that i was seeing someone else. its like i had slapped him hard and told him i hated him. the look on his face - which of cause he tried hard to hide - was one that i had never seen. as i took him to his stop, he turned to look at me and softly said "I'm really happy for you"

then he went on about how it makes him genuinely happy to see someone he LOVES truly happy and that he could see he glow on my face.
now there something that i have never been able to understand with some of the guys that i have dated. look, i have had my fair share of people braking up with me because they have things and issues to ix up before they get committed into anything hectic. now, me being me, choose to leave because i know i deserve full commitment but not with out putting my emotions on the line one more time...
i ask: "should i wait for you?"
the reply: "no please don't for i don't know how long all this is going to take"
the reaction: heart brake like you cant imagine and a wonder as to how i could have been stupid enough to think that i could have gotten it right this time...

now the confusion comes in when i finally tell them that i have moved on (this comes from previous experience fro hearing that an ex i was still madly in love with had moved on and was in fact getting married on that very day that i heard about it. a not so very nice or normal person took it upon themselves to tell me so they can see my hurt reaction - which i too tried very hard to hide.) they all act like i have slapped them or cheated on them or something.

i got so upset, when a couple of day later, Shaun msgs me to say that he wishes he could kiss me just one more time. i got upset because what the hell does he want from me. was he not the one to brake up with me? was he not the one who was on a soul searching mission and was he not the one who positively said that i should not wait for them?
when i finally confronted him, he admitted that he was still in love with me. i told him that i don't want to hear it and that i had moved on and was committed to making this new thing work. (if he still is i love with me and hung up on me like i was on him then why the hell did he not ask me to wait for him? why the hell did he brake my heart when he still wanted it?)

I'm clear on where i stand and unfortunately for him i shall remain.... "the one that got away" because he let me.