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Dear followers...

with the changing of age and the tiny revamps that we seem to always get wrapped up in, i have started a new blog. Confessions of a girl on top - its called.

this i think is a better representation of me and i would love you all to follow me over to this new one too. love to hear your comments!

thanks for the love so far!

im coming

ladies and gentelmen, after months in the making i would like to introduce you to: ME!
this is the me beyond the fear. this is the me over the insecurties. this is the me that would love to do it all and can/will and this is the me that has my boyfriend singing my praises to strangers.

its been a long time comming. i have spent so much time all angry and hurt and upset and stressed and afraid - notice how all these things dont really pronote good health and total fabulousness.
i have built a wall around my loved ones and i have broken millions of my rules. i have allowed issues to go to bed with me at night and wak up with me - not healthy.

so with today being the first day of spring all the way this side: welcome to me!!!
(over the next few days, allow me to take you on a journey of my life, love and all the inbetween)

2 friends got engaged recently and my boyfriend seems to be more in love with me then i thought possible. i fel it, i see it and damn i want it. love him too much too.

when he tells me he loves me...

Finally!!

its not that i have been sitting around just waiting for this but sho it feels good to have it finally happend. last night.

it was more of a statment i must say. he said it in a way that sounded like it was the most ntural thing ever. it gave me a super good mood kick.

this time it feels diffrent. this time it feels good. i am loving every moment of re-falling in love with him.

look ok ok i admite not everything is all rosey onmy part. yes i am constantly freacking out and always on the look out for patterns of his past behaviers and even though i may say nothing to him, inside my own personal wars where i totaly freack out.

was i even sane to want to give this another shot?

was i just fooling myself for thinking that i could get over all the past things?

will it ever get to a stage where everything will be at an equal again?

Try Again

Is it possible to be happy the second time around?

YES: now that we have an idea of what happens when one is away from the other, shall we now work hard to make sure that that doesn't happen again? I would like to believe that i am much older this time around and believe that the time away could have been what was needed.

he still looks at me that way and he still makes me laugh yesterday, i sent him a questioner of things he had to fill out about me. i was surprised at how much about me he knew. even though i spent half of my time worring about what i should do and if i should do it but i feel like this time around there is a better sense of what the other is about... i feel the intimacy growing and I'm a better kind of open with him. he promised to bring his part and admitted that he too was scared but would like to give it another shot. him saying that just made it all ok.


thing is i don't need for him to say that it will be prefect this time around or to tell me that it will work because honestly how the hell can he promise that. i also don't need him to tell me that he will give me the world or even that he will marry me cause that is just not a guarantee that he can give me. for me the fact hat he said he would try is so enough for me.

am i being naive?

Is this man for real?

so it has been like only a few days and this man has done amazing things that are driving me insanely into him like big time.

he sent an e-mail today to inquire about weekend plans and he referd to me as his love... i dont know how long i just steard ant those words because they made everything ok...

i cant help but compair all that he does to what Gary did during our 4 month relationship and i must say that in less than a week, Sean is winning hands down. i love the way he is taking the effort. we speak everyday and the other night he said he has a rose that he is looking after for me. says he cant wait to see me so he can give it to me but in the mean time he hopes that it will grow to resemble my beauty....

(yes that took my breath away)

he seems so unreal but im loving every moment im spending with him. he is sweet and kind and willing.

Its been a while...

wow its been like ages since i last updated... so if you give me a minute i will try put everything in a post...

1. the case with Gary effect on me has finally progressed in to the walk of shame (for those nasty emotions) and i know for a fact the i am getting over him beautifully. i have noticed that this hot and cold times that he goes through are like part of him like for example the one moment he will be flirting terribly and then the next he has completely switched and is as cold as Alaska???!!! so well anyway gone are the days when that made me feel strange and all upset and feeling like its all my fault because i ain't good enough.

i am now at a point where i acknowledge that i still like him but dint want him back and i am so sure about that. to the extent that i think i have become immune to most of his attempts to flirt or get my attention. wow it feels good i must say.

about a week or so back a good friend who left town like a short while before Gary happened came to visit and we had this catch up session where i told her all that has been happening with Gary and while telling her the whole story i realised that shoo it has been a lot and i didnt know how the hell i was able to go through all that. i mean telling her was like recapping a movie or something cause it seemed so unreal. looking back, i never thought i would get to this stage where i am ok with all and i can now look at him and think "damn he is hott" but want nothing at all. the urge to want to impress him with looking hott when going to church has also started getting cold. nowadays i feel like a new woman...

i feel like a new woman because i have taken up an oath to look hot simply because i am. i don't wanna wait for occasions anymore and i dont want the reason to be a man anymore but simply because i can and i want to.

2. i met a guy! he is perfect. he makes me laugh and is amazingly honest.

we met a while back and at first i didn't look at him that way. he tried flirting and i wouldn't have any of it. but as time went on he grew on me esp cause from the first day he was so honest with everything even on things that he really did have to tell me but he somehow thought i had to know.

through a lot of phone conversations and emails we have established that we both are not ready for anything at the moment and we decided that we would keep in touch. he commented on how much he wants to know more about me. (that gave him like a million points. i mean you tell me which guy in this day and age still wants to concentrate on those small things?)

we went out about a week back with his other two friends and i had such a good time. he did the things that only the guys in the soppy movies did and he made me feel amazing. at the end of the evening he totally blew me away with a kiss and i still am tyring to catch my breath...

... then in a very nasty twist of events that kiss which had me flying high, opened up so many wounds that i just started to go insane. all of a sudden, i was doubting everything and his intentions. he didn't call or sms or email and i just got flash backs of Gary. when he did finally email, he seemed distant and cold just like Gary and i went in to a fit of deleting all his contacts and i wouldn't listen to the voice of reason from my friend.

that whole experience just went to show me that i was extremely hurt and that the statement that i was not ready was real and deep. its like i expected him to act like Gary and i just seemed to want to mess things up. well luckily for me i didn't say anything stupid to him so he doesn't know that i lost it at one point all because of the kiss.

things are back to normal now and last night we spoke on the phone like old friends.

i like him and i wanna keep him around. i wanna do this right and when i finally go exclusive with him - if it gets there - i want it to be right and away from traces of my past betrails.

i believe that i can get there and am optimistic about it.

i also want to get rid of the habit i have to want to push things along. it seems like while I'm looking at moving on to the next step i miss so much of the current one and hence don't enjoy it as much as i should be.

shoo what a lot... I'm thinking i should stop here...

i hate tea...

so there i was yesterday surfing the net for nothing specific when i stumbled on a report on GREEN TEA. so i read through it and believe it or not but green tea has some antioxidents in it that assists with weight lose. can you believe it?

so it means that if i have some hope of loosing this buldge on my tummy then i should be huge friends with tea. eish. apperently the stuff boosts your immune system (well together with the ability to assist with a million other things such as preventing cancer and all other deadly things).

i'm sorry to sound so ignorent but its just that i hate hearing about all these deadly things that

we have no controll over. on top of that i dont want to become a health

conscience freak because when you think about it really - you go on

eating all healthy so that you can prevent dying from something serious like

heart malfunction when being hit by a bus will result in the same effect.

how do you prevent a stray bullet from killing you?

how do you stop a psyco from taking your life along with their own?

so u see. i beieve in seize the moment and make sure you treat the people

arround as if you were seeing them for the last time cause in this crazy

world - it could just be.

ok back to the tea. i hate tea. it tasts wierd and is associated with the old and infirm. i hate tea with a passion but i think i hate the buldge on my tummy more. so after work i'm getting me a box of green tea. eish (man!!! i hate tea)

in the end, we will know...

i must say that i feel much better than i did yesterday. i guess i just had another panic moment (my life is supper filled with those). how did i find me zen again l0l... well

i posted a question with yahoo answers and asked the community to help me put this whole situation in clear terms for me. what i wanted was to hear the honest opinion of somebody who would not be influenced by emotions because they were connected to either him or me. and well that's what i got.
turns out that some of my fears were real and it was not me just trying to sabotage my own happiness or me just not wanting to see the good in this person. most of the answers showed that this man was messing me about and i was just falling right in to it. look don't get me wrong or anything but i love the man and after all else i do still think that if push came to shove i would still walk a mile for him but now let us be realistic - what is the point of me doing all that if he will not appreciate it? what is the point of me wanting to put it all out there for him if he will take it like just another case of another girl who has fallen for him? you know what i don't get is how do you not see that a person is willing to do all that for you?

its not that I'm trying to put me on some pedestal here - i also maybe guilty of that at some point in my life. i dated a guy back in high school and he was just so in love with me. his idea was that we become the famous high school sweethearts with the relationship that would stand the test of time, roumers and all else in between. but now as time went on i hated just how much he loved me. i hated how he would agree with all that i said and just went out of his way to make me happy. it all ended with me not being able to even allow him to touch me let alone kiss me. eish! and as tragic for him as it was - i ended the relationship in like three months or so.
could it be that i did the same thing to Gary? now that I'm on the receiving end of something that maybe similar to the one back in high school it hurts like crazy and i hate it.

well with all that said and done - i am working towards a new goal now. i will not allow myself to fall for Gary like i did before and if he does really have the idea of us together again then i want him to show it in word and deed. i will not give him the cold shoulder or anything like that but i will let him be the initiator of everything. he will make the phone calls. he will arrange the hang out sessions and everything else.

if he does not... then i guess in the end, we will know...

PS: in the mean time - i want to have even more fun and carry on to meet new and exiting people. i want to carry on and build stronger relationships with the amazing people around me and hay basically carry on having a blast.

The grass IS greener on the other side

i must say the the road to healing is an amazing one.

i look back now on a couple of weeks ago and i could have never known i would ever make it to where i am now. back then i could just see black with no cahnce of being happy real deep down. these days, whats important to me is to embrace all the things that mean the most to me. things such as family and friends. i have decided to make as much memories as possible and get this thing called my life moving...

i met a guy...
now i dont want to get too ahead of my self and go on about just how much i'm in love and cant imagin the rest of my life with out him but its a start. if there is something new that i have learned from the last time its that i should let everything happen at its own pace. i have a tendency to want to move things along and let them happen faster but that has only lead to things happening without intending to and that brings all these unsure things and later into a realization that this is not what we really want. SHO!!

look for all we know it could turn out to be nothing but if it were to become something... i think i would want to let him take full control with how things should go and make sure what it is that he is looking for.