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Dear followers...

with the changing of age and the tiny revamps that we seem to always get wrapped up in, i have started a new blog. Confessions of a girl on top - its called.

this i think is a better representation of me and i would love you all to follow me over to this new one too. love to hear your comments!

thanks for the love so far!

im coming

ladies and gentelmen, after months in the making i would like to introduce you to: ME!
this is the me beyond the fear. this is the me over the insecurties. this is the me that would love to do it all and can/will and this is the me that has my boyfriend singing my praises to strangers.

its been a long time comming. i have spent so much time all angry and hurt and upset and stressed and afraid - notice how all these things dont really pronote good health and total fabulousness.
i have built a wall around my loved ones and i have broken millions of my rules. i have allowed issues to go to bed with me at night and wak up with me - not healthy.

so with today being the first day of spring all the way this side: welcome to me!!!
(over the next few days, allow me to take you on a journey of my life, love and all the inbetween)

2 friends got engaged recently and my boyfriend seems to be more in love with me then i thought possible. i fel it, i see it and damn i want it. love him too much too.

The 3 P's of Love

ok ok so having read through the first 2 chapters of the book (Act like a lady, Think like a man) i have a couple of things to check through.

The book discribes what it calls the 3 P's of love: Profess, Protect & Provide.
while reading through them i couldnt help but check What Steve Harvey says against my man.

let me brake it down:



PROFESS: when a man is in love with you or is serious about you he will have a title for you. these are titles such as baby, my woman, my lady, my girlfriend etc. these are the titles that he will introduce you to people using or put it in some conversations just so to convay the idea that he is with someone and that you are taken. he will show this in public and will actually even take the effort to introduce you to everyone. HE WANTS EVERYONE TO GET THAT BOTH YOU AND HIM ARE TAKEN - BY EACH OTHER

MY MAN:

well thats where it all started. its like he went out of his way to get my attention by doing these little things not limited to private settings (like the time he took off my heels when i complined that my feet were killing me. he went down on one knee in front of everyone and he took thm off for me). then things got even worse when he was campaining that we try again. after church service, he would be by my side. he would save seats for me next to him and pull me closer when hanging out with his roomies. these things of cuse would not confuse a passer by as to what was going on between us. not that he would say it out laud but i would like to take that as his way of doing it esp. cause its not limited to one time. besides, he says certain things that claim me as his. his actions are screeming louder then his word.

Result: PASS (with flying colours)

PROTECT: as in the animal kingdom, a male will at all times protect his own. men are brought up to know that he should go to all lengths to protect his own. his family shall not be thretened and he just sit back and do nothing. at times even though it seems like there is not much he can do, he will do something. its in his make up, its his place. if he trully loves you, he will protect you.

MY MAN:

now this was a little dificult to do. finding where he does this that is. see the thing about that man of mine is that he aint no fusser. he does not get worked up over anything and he will not over react to anything. he stays calm and will just walk away. just as i was starting on a new bout of depression, it hits me. there was and incident once where i suppose he failed to kep it together and nature took over. remember the event with my friend? thats when he got all crazy. yeah... thats it. back then i was not with him yet i suppose he felt the nedd to claim over me and protect me from potentials. then there is the little irritation he showed when i kept telling him about some dude who just wont leave me alone. so the man does love me. and even though at times he may not give in to showing that he wants to protect me, he does...!!! lol

Result: Pass(scraping through)

PROVIDE: now a man will provide for his own. his natural role is being the brad winner. be the one who will make sure that everyone is taken care of. this means he wil pay the bills. he will pay for dinner or the movie ticket or whatever needs to be taken care of. this oes not mean that he has to be rolling in ti. even when he is broke he will find ways to provide. maybe fix something of yours that is broken or even call in fvors with friends when you need help with something that he cant do.

MY MAN:

UM UM UMM. this is still something we will have to work on with him. look he does do the movie ticket and all and yes he isnt exactly rolling in it. he does though get the things i like when i come over like once in a while get me that slice of chocolate cake or even a slap to share. thats all rosy and all but i would like to keep an eye out for this just to find more proof.

Result: Re-eveluate.

CONCLUTION:

he may not be perfect and he may not have it all but one thing is for sure - he oes love me. at times i dont get what level he is on r what is going on in his head but love me he does.

i suppose its not that i needed some book to prove that. i think i spent so much time worried and looking out or all those obviously visible huge things that i missed the real, from the heart smaller things. one of the reasons im still around after all the drama and tears i have been trough for this man, is ecause i cant imagin my life with anyone but him. as much as it at times freaks me out to hear him talk about future us the one moment and nothing the next, the one major thing is that he loves me and i just need to trust in that.

Personal note: baby, i may be a little psycho at times but deep down know that i know that you love me. for all that and a bit more you may do unknown to me - THANK YOU.

The Art Of Pace:

Don’t know if its issues that I have or if its general, I have a thing whereby I just want to spend most of my time with him. Even though I am well aware of the fact that I could smother the poor man, I still have that huge need. I think the thing about us girls is that we tend to fall hard and very fast all at once that we tend to sometimes skip a couple of the essential steps, like giving him the opportunity to miss you (maybe that would explain why there are so many articles on this very topic in woman magazines. Someone out there who has figured it out is working hard to stamp it in our minds).
You know mos what I mean. Waiting by the phone every night with bated breath just waiting for it to ring and be him telling you that all he could think about was you (all those lies that we girls at times want to hear).

Well here I am stuck with a man who knows these are lies and what’s more will not even entertain them. I mean the other night we had this huge discussion on that Gerald Leveret song “Mr too damn good” where my man felt why would he want to lie to me so much by telling her that he would my “stars and my moon, the smile on my face, be my favourite tune…” or even “be our everything, your everything”… huh hu hu can you believe that!!!

Ok ok so that’s a new topic on its own. Back to the one at hand…

I used to get so upset if like two days went by without him calling (and I don’t wanna call cause I was the last one to call and with a sense of pride, don’t wanna seem like I'm sitting around waiting for his call which I am but he doesn’t have to know that). I would then get on some “oh he don’t wanna talk to me today! Is that it?!”
Then I would do what every sane woman does in situations like these, call up the girls and moan about it…
Then after some jumping around and a whole lot of performing, finally decide to ignore him like the plague and make him suffer like he has made me suffer.

Then, on a simple afternoon while with a bunch of other people, he calls. Tells how his day was, asks how mine was. Tells me he misses me and that he just wanted to say hi….

You see – all I had to do was wait.

By going ahead and living my life the way I have always and doing the crazy with my girls, not only do I not scare him away by crowding him and making him feel like my world revolves around him, and by experiencing a whole lot of other things to tell him about later but I also allow him time to realize that I do have another part of me, an even exciting one that he has to work really hard to be a part of. When we do get together to do whatever, he does make sure I feel all the love… a whole lot of it and once again on my planet of dramas, there is peace and calm until a new storm of happenings rolls in again…

I think i'm getting the hang of this...

so there i was at the beginning of this thing on some new level on the who's and how's of my reborn relationship.

there was a time when it seemed like we both were fooling ourselves for believing that we could give it another shot, i mean i went through moments when i could have sworn that i could feel nothing from his side anymore. then he would not call for a while and i would loose it.

but all this, at the end of this semi hectic time frame, has taught me that i still have a whole lot of individual growing up to do. you see, the thing about us girls is that once we meet that guy we think is our "soul mate" we get into this movie like state where we have to spend every waking moment with them. where they have to at all times be telling us all these amazing things and not get enough of us and think we are way better then their mothers. that is so wrong.

see the thing that all those intelligent people have been trying to say is that you have to have a life of your own outside the "we", that way you have so much more to give to make the "we" even so much better.

i mean think about it for a moment. if you really were to spend every waking moment then hell would you not bore each other to death? even worse, would you not run out of things to say?

i say all of this cause this is a new lesson that i have been taught.

he didn't call for a while. he didn't sms. me of cause lost it and claimed that he had stopped loving me for good. when he finally did call, all he said was a lousy "hi" and turned down my offer to come over. i. of cause was crushed and ready to find me a rebound until we had one of the most romantic dates ever where he held me close, kissed me and proudly showed affection in public. yeah yeah so i fell in love all over again...

so you see.

after this eventful happening (lol) i have decided to focus also on other parts of me like try school again, finaly get my hobby off the ground and loose some damn weight then when we do spend time together, go all out and slowly but surely allow im a place in the many dimensions of me...

when he tells me he loves me...

Finally!!

its not that i have been sitting around just waiting for this but sho it feels good to have it finally happend. last night.

it was more of a statment i must say. he said it in a way that sounded like it was the most ntural thing ever. it gave me a super good mood kick.

this time it feels diffrent. this time it feels good. i am loving every moment of re-falling in love with him.

look ok ok i admite not everything is all rosey onmy part. yes i am constantly freacking out and always on the look out for patterns of his past behaviers and even though i may say nothing to him, inside my own personal wars where i totaly freack out.

was i even sane to want to give this another shot?

was i just fooling myself for thinking that i could get over all the past things?

will it ever get to a stage where everything will be at an equal again?

in the end, we will know...

i must say that i feel much better than i did yesterday. i guess i just had another panic moment (my life is supper filled with those). how did i find me zen again l0l... well

i posted a question with yahoo answers and asked the community to help me put this whole situation in clear terms for me. what i wanted was to hear the honest opinion of somebody who would not be influenced by emotions because they were connected to either him or me. and well that's what i got.
turns out that some of my fears were real and it was not me just trying to sabotage my own happiness or me just not wanting to see the good in this person. most of the answers showed that this man was messing me about and i was just falling right in to it. look don't get me wrong or anything but i love the man and after all else i do still think that if push came to shove i would still walk a mile for him but now let us be realistic - what is the point of me doing all that if he will not appreciate it? what is the point of me wanting to put it all out there for him if he will take it like just another case of another girl who has fallen for him? you know what i don't get is how do you not see that a person is willing to do all that for you?

its not that I'm trying to put me on some pedestal here - i also maybe guilty of that at some point in my life. i dated a guy back in high school and he was just so in love with me. his idea was that we become the famous high school sweethearts with the relationship that would stand the test of time, roumers and all else in between. but now as time went on i hated just how much he loved me. i hated how he would agree with all that i said and just went out of his way to make me happy. it all ended with me not being able to even allow him to touch me let alone kiss me. eish! and as tragic for him as it was - i ended the relationship in like three months or so.
could it be that i did the same thing to Gary? now that I'm on the receiving end of something that maybe similar to the one back in high school it hurts like crazy and i hate it.

well with all that said and done - i am working towards a new goal now. i will not allow myself to fall for Gary like i did before and if he does really have the idea of us together again then i want him to show it in word and deed. i will not give him the cold shoulder or anything like that but i will let him be the initiator of everything. he will make the phone calls. he will arrange the hang out sessions and everything else.

if he does not... then i guess in the end, we will know...

PS: in the mean time - i want to have even more fun and carry on to meet new and exiting people. i want to carry on and build stronger relationships with the amazing people around me and hay basically carry on having a blast.

Realization

Hello world

i just came back from a well deserved leave from work and i took a long trip away so that i can clear this head of mine. it did a whole lot of good plus i came to realize a few things and accepted a whole lot.

have you ever realised that our emotions don't understand our language? i mean think about it - why is it that we always fall for the that guy that we dont want to fall for or even that guy who we know will never look our way (ie: celebs).
in my case i have seen that while i try by all means to get over this guy i just seem to have some stuff that i hold on to. i mean in what language should i shout it to my emotions that its time to move on. i wanna go explore new things and new people but not in the opinon of my emotions. they still want to hold on to this looser and still think he is God's gift to woman.

i also decided not to fight it. i mean as much as i wouldn't want to admit it - i still like him a lot and still think he is very hott (even though i haven'y seen him in a while. i hope he got in the line of something nasty and has this huge scare doen his face that makes him look like a freak). what i am tring to say is that i think will be so much easier if i accept that i still have the hearts for him and believe that they will fade away soon.
CONFESSION: i now that this sounds nasty and psyco but i'm not sure how i will react or what i will say if he asks me to give it another shot. i mean he still has all the things that i fell for and even though i know now his negetive traits but none of them have turned me away. my emotions simply dont get it.

i also realized that i am way too beautyful and hot to waste my time pinning for something thats gone. i know though that i want to refarin from dating for a while now while i find my ground again i'm moving on in life and a dull mood is not part of the package.

therfore raise it up... TO A YEAR FILLED WITH A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE, LAUGHTER AND HOTT INCOUNTERS.