touching ground...

hello to yu all
i agree its been a while.

at one stage my life seemed to take off and never stopped and now finally, i have hit the ground in realizing that love, life and everything else is not as hunky-dorey as we would like to believe.
appart from the fact that my waight seems to be recruiting more fat to make an even tighter and bigger community, my love life has too started speaking a language i was not taught.

i dont know: what is it about men that makes them inapable of saying it when they hae issues or when something is bothering them. they go around saying that they are all good yet their actions speak an totaly diffrent thing...
he is doing that pull away thing again after i have told him in my most calmest voice that hate it with the biggest passion ever invented/felt for anything. i dont know...

today is our 4 month anivesary and things are awkward. when he gets in this state of mind i just dont know how it is that im supposed to react. i have decided and accepted yes that this is a part of him that im gonna have to live with. that every once in a while he will get into major shut off mode but question is: di i back off and give him space? do i ignore it and carry on as normarl? do i b**** and moan about it or do i simply just ... i dont know!!!! does he even realise that he does it?

hu!!!

"Act like a lady, think like a man" by Steve Harvey

so i saw show on Oprah last night regarding this book and i was immidiatly hooked.

it seems that there is so much that we woman just dont get about men and there is equaly so much about woman that men dont get.

im at a place where im very confused as to how my man's mind works and i would love nothing else but to sit him down and explain to him how much all his strange behavier is totally throwing me off. i mean take for example - he will call and just listen to me talk. when i eventually get to a pause after telling him a mouthfull and ask what he wants to tell me, the answer i get is : nothing!!

now dont get me wrong or anything - i love the man but sho he sho is a piece of work to figure out.

Happly ever after is not real...

Letter:

Dear_____________

Wow where do I start…

As strange as it may seem but I believe in fairy tales… or at least I used to.

To me what has always made sense was the idea of happily ever after, you know the guy meets girl and falls madly in love with her. He shows her, as impossible as it may sometimes seem - that they belong together. She agrees and they live happily ever after.

Now I have let that idea go with me through life and it has helped me stand up and dust myself off and try again every time when I have had my heart broken. I say it may seem strange, because to many, something like that is impossible. In the tale, the man goes to all lengths for the woman who he loves and he falls in love with every little thing that makes her up. He loves the way she smiles and the way that she looks when she is upset. He falls for the way she gets so worked up over the smallest of things or the way that she cracks up at the most stupid yet insignificant of things. He loves the way she calls him like 10 times a day and never gets tired of it. When she is unhappy he becomes unhappy and when she cries he is always there to hold her tight and tell her that everything will be ok even though to him it may be so clear that they won’t. Life without her is an impossible something to him because he realizes that she forms such a huge part of his life to the extent that without her, he just isn’t. When she says “I love you” everything in his world is ok.

Many have said that something like that is simply what it is meant to be – a fairy tale that will never come true…

… Sadly I am beginning to see what they mean and it hurts.

I’m tired of dusting myself off because my dress has simply gotten too dirty for me to still hold my head up and carry on with no hint of bitterness.
I look back on the last couple of months and I notice how they have been so enveloped around this one man. I thought I liked him but that is simply an under statement. I fell in love.

When we turn bitter, it simply means that we hold on to this one bad experience and even though we may say that we are over it, we really are not. From that point onwards what ever happens along the same line will always be graded on this one experience and no one ever is able to change that. I used to feel so sorry for woman who let things get to that stage yet… I sit here today and I have let the very same thing happen to me. I have finally turned bitter towards men and I doubt if it will be changed or should I rather say – I doubt if I will ever allow anybody to change that.

I woke up this morning and I had this fantasy running in my head where a guy who has been seeing me from a distance for a while now finally approaches me and lays it all out in the open. He tells me from the get go that he thinks I’m amazing and that he now has gathered up enough courage to come up to me and talk to me. He says he wants to get to know me better. I smile. And he says that smile is something he has seen so many times and he has lost count of how many times he has prayed that I will flash him that smile one day…..

Reality hit and I remembered that I have sworn off men for life.

So here is a fairy tale situation that automatically played in my head and here is my heart screaming ENOUGH with a loud speaker.

Looking down at my worn, dirty dress (from all the falling and dusting off) and thinking of how difficult it is for me to find, pick up and put together the pieces of my shattered heart, I unfortunately now finally give up on my idea of a happily ever after and join the masses in saying…

Fairy Tales do not exist…


Signed: a member of the real world