The 3 P's of Love

ok ok so having read through the first 2 chapters of the book (Act like a lady, Think like a man) i have a couple of things to check through.

The book discribes what it calls the 3 P's of love: Profess, Protect & Provide.
while reading through them i couldnt help but check What Steve Harvey says against my man.

let me brake it down:



PROFESS: when a man is in love with you or is serious about you he will have a title for you. these are titles such as baby, my woman, my lady, my girlfriend etc. these are the titles that he will introduce you to people using or put it in some conversations just so to convay the idea that he is with someone and that you are taken. he will show this in public and will actually even take the effort to introduce you to everyone. HE WANTS EVERYONE TO GET THAT BOTH YOU AND HIM ARE TAKEN - BY EACH OTHER

MY MAN:

well thats where it all started. its like he went out of his way to get my attention by doing these little things not limited to private settings (like the time he took off my heels when i complined that my feet were killing me. he went down on one knee in front of everyone and he took thm off for me). then things got even worse when he was campaining that we try again. after church service, he would be by my side. he would save seats for me next to him and pull me closer when hanging out with his roomies. these things of cuse would not confuse a passer by as to what was going on between us. not that he would say it out laud but i would like to take that as his way of doing it esp. cause its not limited to one time. besides, he says certain things that claim me as his. his actions are screeming louder then his word.

Result: PASS (with flying colours)

PROTECT: as in the animal kingdom, a male will at all times protect his own. men are brought up to know that he should go to all lengths to protect his own. his family shall not be thretened and he just sit back and do nothing. at times even though it seems like there is not much he can do, he will do something. its in his make up, its his place. if he trully loves you, he will protect you.

MY MAN:

now this was a little dificult to do. finding where he does this that is. see the thing about that man of mine is that he aint no fusser. he does not get worked up over anything and he will not over react to anything. he stays calm and will just walk away. just as i was starting on a new bout of depression, it hits me. there was and incident once where i suppose he failed to kep it together and nature took over. remember the event with my friend? thats when he got all crazy. yeah... thats it. back then i was not with him yet i suppose he felt the nedd to claim over me and protect me from potentials. then there is the little irritation he showed when i kept telling him about some dude who just wont leave me alone. so the man does love me. and even though at times he may not give in to showing that he wants to protect me, he does...!!! lol

Result: Pass(scraping through)

PROVIDE: now a man will provide for his own. his natural role is being the brad winner. be the one who will make sure that everyone is taken care of. this means he wil pay the bills. he will pay for dinner or the movie ticket or whatever needs to be taken care of. this oes not mean that he has to be rolling in ti. even when he is broke he will find ways to provide. maybe fix something of yours that is broken or even call in fvors with friends when you need help with something that he cant do.

MY MAN:

UM UM UMM. this is still something we will have to work on with him. look he does do the movie ticket and all and yes he isnt exactly rolling in it. he does though get the things i like when i come over like once in a while get me that slice of chocolate cake or even a slap to share. thats all rosy and all but i would like to keep an eye out for this just to find more proof.

Result: Re-eveluate.

CONCLUTION:

he may not be perfect and he may not have it all but one thing is for sure - he oes love me. at times i dont get what level he is on r what is going on in his head but love me he does.

i suppose its not that i needed some book to prove that. i think i spent so much time worried and looking out or all those obviously visible huge things that i missed the real, from the heart smaller things. one of the reasons im still around after all the drama and tears i have been trough for this man, is ecause i cant imagin my life with anyone but him. as much as it at times freaks me out to hear him talk about future us the one moment and nothing the next, the one major thing is that he loves me and i just need to trust in that.

Personal note: baby, i may be a little psycho at times but deep down know that i know that you love me. for all that and a bit more you may do unknown to me - THANK YOU.

Its been a while...

wow its been like ages since i last updated... so if you give me a minute i will try put everything in a post...

1. the case with Gary effect on me has finally progressed in to the walk of shame (for those nasty emotions) and i know for a fact the i am getting over him beautifully. i have noticed that this hot and cold times that he goes through are like part of him like for example the one moment he will be flirting terribly and then the next he has completely switched and is as cold as Alaska???!!! so well anyway gone are the days when that made me feel strange and all upset and feeling like its all my fault because i ain't good enough.

i am now at a point where i acknowledge that i still like him but dint want him back and i am so sure about that. to the extent that i think i have become immune to most of his attempts to flirt or get my attention. wow it feels good i must say.

about a week or so back a good friend who left town like a short while before Gary happened came to visit and we had this catch up session where i told her all that has been happening with Gary and while telling her the whole story i realised that shoo it has been a lot and i didnt know how the hell i was able to go through all that. i mean telling her was like recapping a movie or something cause it seemed so unreal. looking back, i never thought i would get to this stage where i am ok with all and i can now look at him and think "damn he is hott" but want nothing at all. the urge to want to impress him with looking hott when going to church has also started getting cold. nowadays i feel like a new woman...

i feel like a new woman because i have taken up an oath to look hot simply because i am. i don't wanna wait for occasions anymore and i dont want the reason to be a man anymore but simply because i can and i want to.

2. i met a guy! he is perfect. he makes me laugh and is amazingly honest.

we met a while back and at first i didn't look at him that way. he tried flirting and i wouldn't have any of it. but as time went on he grew on me esp cause from the first day he was so honest with everything even on things that he really did have to tell me but he somehow thought i had to know.

through a lot of phone conversations and emails we have established that we both are not ready for anything at the moment and we decided that we would keep in touch. he commented on how much he wants to know more about me. (that gave him like a million points. i mean you tell me which guy in this day and age still wants to concentrate on those small things?)

we went out about a week back with his other two friends and i had such a good time. he did the things that only the guys in the soppy movies did and he made me feel amazing. at the end of the evening he totally blew me away with a kiss and i still am tyring to catch my breath...

... then in a very nasty twist of events that kiss which had me flying high, opened up so many wounds that i just started to go insane. all of a sudden, i was doubting everything and his intentions. he didn't call or sms or email and i just got flash backs of Gary. when he did finally email, he seemed distant and cold just like Gary and i went in to a fit of deleting all his contacts and i wouldn't listen to the voice of reason from my friend.

that whole experience just went to show me that i was extremely hurt and that the statement that i was not ready was real and deep. its like i expected him to act like Gary and i just seemed to want to mess things up. well luckily for me i didn't say anything stupid to him so he doesn't know that i lost it at one point all because of the kiss.

things are back to normal now and last night we spoke on the phone like old friends.

i like him and i wanna keep him around. i wanna do this right and when i finally go exclusive with him - if it gets there - i want it to be right and away from traces of my past betrails.

i believe that i can get there and am optimistic about it.

i also want to get rid of the habit i have to want to push things along. it seems like while I'm looking at moving on to the next step i miss so much of the current one and hence don't enjoy it as much as i should be.

shoo what a lot... I'm thinking i should stop here...

this is hard....

Wow so the decision has been finalized – I am walking away and putting my mind on other things.

Yesterday I told my friend about what I was going to do from now on and she thought all I needed was a brake. When I corrected her and told her that I actually meant that I was done and no more, she went all out to lecture me on how I should not let the bad experience of one man totally ruin things for the real Mr. Right who could be out there. But you tell me – how the hell many frogs am I supposed to kiss till I get my prince? I’m sick of it. While defending and explaining my choice, I made some amazing points some that I had not even thought of before.

Its not that I am looking for the impossible here. It’s not like I have a long list of the things that I want from a potential partner and am unwilling to alter them for no one what so ever. Compromise is something that has always been a reality for me and I have exercised it to the fullest. I mean take Gary. The man is not a grate talker or an explainer and I have taken that in my stride even though to me the world makes so much more sense when things are explained and said. Then there is the fact that the man is in a form of unemployment and that was ok with me. I settled with the fact that I could never get those nice gifts or even be taken to fancy places. To even take it a mile further, I had no issues with paying for things because I understood and it didn’t bother me. If anyone were to hear that they would laugh in my face and have my head read. All the petrol I wasted on visits and the time I put in. then there is that other idiot who we shall call Aden. Now for him, I walked on hot coals. I had to put up with the most obnoxious cousin of his who was everything that I had come to despise of the human race flaws. She was like the personification of what I never wanted to become or deal with ever on a personal level. But because I had said I love you and meant it, I compromised all my pride and beliefs for him. I took that in my stride and I made sure that this cousin never felt the effects of another woman in her older brother’s life. I smiled and took it and even though it broke me – I knew that I was doing it for a good reason. Then there was the tendency that he had to lash out on me whenever he had a bad day. Man now that was something. But like a loyal woman to her man, I took it and accepted that this was his way of handling issues. I also had to compromise my dream of a man who would love me enough to even make sure that the people around him who had anything against me would have to deal with it because I am what he wants and I make him happy so whoever else had to just pick a number and shut the hell up. He didn’t. Instead I had to fend for myself and keep on proving to those people that I was on their side with a whole lot of but licking and kissing.
Should I carry on?

Look I am not saying that I am perfect or anything but like I have done so many times before I would also want someone who would be willing to take me warts and all even though it seems like he should be walking… no running in the other direction. Does such a person exist? I don’t think so and well unfortunately I am sick of looking and getting bashed every time. If he is then well he should go try his luck somewhere else because I am so tired of broken hearts. I have run out to glue to put it all back together again.

The problem with me is that I love hard and I always give my best and most with my relationships with others and well unfortunately when it comes to men, Gary has thrown it all back in my face for the last time and I am done.

I saw him yesterday and I was just neutral with him. Greeted him with a smile and made small talk. Nothing special, but the same usual things that I would talk about to any old, random person. We laughed and I moved on to other people and I was just myself. Now like I have said in the previous posts, I made sure I was hott but not going over board and not for him or anyone else but for me. Later he sends me a massage saying that he is not sure if he should be doing this but he thinks I look fabulous that evening.

Now two things passed my mind:
1. What the hell does he mean that he should not be doing this….? I guess he was thinking that by the complement, he was giving me some hope and giving me ideas that I think that he still has this unbelievable interest in me. Nope I don’t. That truth dawned on me when he said he was deciding whether he wants to be with me or not. To answer his comment I would loudly and boldly have said that well he is right – he shouldn’t have. I don’t want him looking me at me like that and that he should keep comments like that to himself because they make me sick. But I didn’t. I simply replied back with a “thank you.” The way I see it, I silently walk away because I believe I have made a fool of myself for too long. From here on he will have to work to get my attention because it is gone.

2. How dare he complement me. All the other times when I went all out and I looked dashing, he said nothing. All the times when I made sure that I looked good for him he said zilch, leaving me feeling stupid for getting all worked up and dressed up for nothing. I went out of my way to impress and wow him and all I got were all these comments from people who I didn’t want to impress and now that I have been humiliated he wants to? While on top of that he adds on an unsure note of whether he should or not.

Man this man is full of it.

How...

so the saga with Gary and i carries on and even though yesterday i was on some high because i had found out what the issues with me are - to day i find me back in that deep hole again and if at all possible i think i'm much deeper than i was yesterday.

i called him last night despite my better judgement and i actually got all excited when he said he was just about to call me too (excited that is before the idea of maybe he is lying crept into my head). i wish i had maybe waited and let him call me. i felt so dumn but got over it as the convo went on. i woke up and i felt even more dumner - if that was even possible. its just that i cant help but shake the feeling that all this will blow up in my face again. i mean the last time he explained that the reason why he dropped me like that was because he didn't know how to tell me what he was going through and he panacked because he knew that i would end up hurt. i get all that and i supper undersatnd but what will stop all that happening again? what happens when something comes up again? and to make it worse, the fact that this time round all this is not defined, does it not make much more sence to predict that the fall will even be worse because hell - he dont owe me nothing this time round. why the hell do i feel like i'm walking blindly into this?

the last time round when we ended, i depended so much on my girl friends and they came to the party full force. the did all that you would expect them to do. they felt my pain and hated him when i did. they did not try to explain him because they liked him but they bad mouthed him with me and listend to me go on and on and on. but know it so happend that beacuse i'm not a fan of holding on to issues and that i hate leaving things hanging, i made peace with him but they still held on to their hate for him. i heard his reason and understood and they didnt. infact when they see us together all they can do really is to warn me not to even think of taking that road again. all this now means that i cant even turn to them for advice on the above predicument. i cant tell anyone and it is driving me insane.

i want him to be the one chasing after me. i want him to be making all the calls and him to tell me that he misses me as much as i miss him. i hate the fact that all i can think of is calling him and talking to him.

ok so sometimes i am able to convince myself to stop freaking out and call him but then immidiatly after the call i cant help but feel so stupid and angry about that. when talking to him, he says things like he is glad i called and that he enjoys talking to me but somehow that does not make me feel the love. i guess i want to hear him say the words. as simple and stupid as it sounds, i think it would go a long way if he were to say"baby you rock my world and i like you so much"

am i being insecure? am i putting to much feeling into this?

all these questions....

Realization

Hello world

i just came back from a well deserved leave from work and i took a long trip away so that i can clear this head of mine. it did a whole lot of good plus i came to realize a few things and accepted a whole lot.

have you ever realised that our emotions don't understand our language? i mean think about it - why is it that we always fall for the that guy that we dont want to fall for or even that guy who we know will never look our way (ie: celebs).
in my case i have seen that while i try by all means to get over this guy i just seem to have some stuff that i hold on to. i mean in what language should i shout it to my emotions that its time to move on. i wanna go explore new things and new people but not in the opinon of my emotions. they still want to hold on to this looser and still think he is God's gift to woman.

i also decided not to fight it. i mean as much as i wouldn't want to admit it - i still like him a lot and still think he is very hott (even though i haven'y seen him in a while. i hope he got in the line of something nasty and has this huge scare doen his face that makes him look like a freak). what i am tring to say is that i think will be so much easier if i accept that i still have the hearts for him and believe that they will fade away soon.
CONFESSION: i now that this sounds nasty and psyco but i'm not sure how i will react or what i will say if he asks me to give it another shot. i mean he still has all the things that i fell for and even though i know now his negetive traits but none of them have turned me away. my emotions simply dont get it.

i also realized that i am way too beautyful and hot to waste my time pinning for something thats gone. i know though that i want to refarin from dating for a while now while i find my ground again i'm moving on in life and a dull mood is not part of the package.

therfore raise it up... TO A YEAR FILLED WITH A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE, LAUGHTER AND HOTT INCOUNTERS.