im coming

ladies and gentelmen, after months in the making i would like to introduce you to: ME!
this is the me beyond the fear. this is the me over the insecurties. this is the me that would love to do it all and can/will and this is the me that has my boyfriend singing my praises to strangers.

its been a long time comming. i have spent so much time all angry and hurt and upset and stressed and afraid - notice how all these things dont really pronote good health and total fabulousness.
i have built a wall around my loved ones and i have broken millions of my rules. i have allowed issues to go to bed with me at night and wak up with me - not healthy.

so with today being the first day of spring all the way this side: welcome to me!!!
(over the next few days, allow me to take you on a journey of my life, love and all the inbetween)

2 friends got engaged recently and my boyfriend seems to be more in love with me then i thought possible. i fel it, i see it and damn i want it. love him too much too.

I think i'm getting the hang of this...

so there i was at the beginning of this thing on some new level on the who's and how's of my reborn relationship.

there was a time when it seemed like we both were fooling ourselves for believing that we could give it another shot, i mean i went through moments when i could have sworn that i could feel nothing from his side anymore. then he would not call for a while and i would loose it.

but all this, at the end of this semi hectic time frame, has taught me that i still have a whole lot of individual growing up to do. you see, the thing about us girls is that once we meet that guy we think is our "soul mate" we get into this movie like state where we have to spend every waking moment with them. where they have to at all times be telling us all these amazing things and not get enough of us and think we are way better then their mothers. that is so wrong.

see the thing that all those intelligent people have been trying to say is that you have to have a life of your own outside the "we", that way you have so much more to give to make the "we" even so much better.

i mean think about it for a moment. if you really were to spend every waking moment then hell would you not bore each other to death? even worse, would you not run out of things to say?

i say all of this cause this is a new lesson that i have been taught.

he didn't call for a while. he didn't sms. me of cause lost it and claimed that he had stopped loving me for good. when he finally did call, all he said was a lousy "hi" and turned down my offer to come over. i. of cause was crushed and ready to find me a rebound until we had one of the most romantic dates ever where he held me close, kissed me and proudly showed affection in public. yeah yeah so i fell in love all over again...

so you see.

after this eventful happening (lol) i have decided to focus also on other parts of me like try school again, finaly get my hobby off the ground and loose some damn weight then when we do spend time together, go all out and slowly but surely allow im a place in the many dimensions of me...

when he tells me he loves me...

Finally!!

its not that i have been sitting around just waiting for this but sho it feels good to have it finally happend. last night.

it was more of a statment i must say. he said it in a way that sounded like it was the most ntural thing ever. it gave me a super good mood kick.

this time it feels diffrent. this time it feels good. i am loving every moment of re-falling in love with him.

look ok ok i admite not everything is all rosey onmy part. yes i am constantly freacking out and always on the look out for patterns of his past behaviers and even though i may say nothing to him, inside my own personal wars where i totaly freack out.

was i even sane to want to give this another shot?

was i just fooling myself for thinking that i could get over all the past things?

will it ever get to a stage where everything will be at an equal again?

Try Again

Is it possible to be happy the second time around?

YES: now that we have an idea of what happens when one is away from the other, shall we now work hard to make sure that that doesn't happen again? I would like to believe that i am much older this time around and believe that the time away could have been what was needed.

he still looks at me that way and he still makes me laugh yesterday, i sent him a questioner of things he had to fill out about me. i was surprised at how much about me he knew. even though i spent half of my time worring about what i should do and if i should do it but i feel like this time around there is a better sense of what the other is about... i feel the intimacy growing and I'm a better kind of open with him. he promised to bring his part and admitted that he too was scared but would like to give it another shot. him saying that just made it all ok.


thing is i don't need for him to say that it will be prefect this time around or to tell me that it will work because honestly how the hell can he promise that. i also don't need him to tell me that he will give me the world or even that he will marry me cause that is just not a guarantee that he can give me. for me the fact hat he said he would try is so enough for me.

am i being naive?

Is this man for real?

so it has been like only a few days and this man has done amazing things that are driving me insanely into him like big time.

he sent an e-mail today to inquire about weekend plans and he referd to me as his love... i dont know how long i just steard ant those words because they made everything ok...

i cant help but compair all that he does to what Gary did during our 4 month relationship and i must say that in less than a week, Sean is winning hands down. i love the way he is taking the effort. we speak everyday and the other night he said he has a rose that he is looking after for me. says he cant wait to see me so he can give it to me but in the mean time he hopes that it will grow to resemble my beauty....

(yes that took my breath away)

he seems so unreal but im loving every moment im spending with him. he is sweet and kind and willing.