The Art of Fab...

So as routine wuld have it... there i go falling into a rut of total bordem and suicidel (as per my deffination) actions.



so i have decided: today is a new day and i shall treat it as such. i have a couple of things that i need to set and keep in motion to ensure the succesful transition from the glossy-eyed teenager to the young adult that i am that oozes fabulesness (wow that sounds wierd).

so it begins:

• Daily mission to so rock the world everyday.

think about it - we all go around following this and that. i think its time i did my thing and let everyone follow me for once... (makes perfect sense to me)

• Bigger commitment to lough out loud.

think about it - it seems that we spend far too much time frowning and complaining about things that we cannot change - enough i say (LOL)!!! no more. from here on i hall LOL instead of lol... (see the diffrence?) (wow - feel better already).

• Love a lot more harder

this applies to all the people around me. it goes from my mn to my family and to friends. see the thing about this love thing is that the more of it that you give the more you get inreturn (not nessesarily from the person you gave to initially). my man has been amazing and at times i dont know how to thank him in a way that he would realise how truely awesom he is so inreturn to all that he has done for me, i shall love him a whole lot more (includint the other people around me)

for now, these are the objectives - one step at a time right. so there you have it.

have any of your own?

im coming

ladies and gentelmen, after months in the making i would like to introduce you to: ME!
this is the me beyond the fear. this is the me over the insecurties. this is the me that would love to do it all and can/will and this is the me that has my boyfriend singing my praises to strangers.

its been a long time comming. i have spent so much time all angry and hurt and upset and stressed and afraid - notice how all these things dont really pronote good health and total fabulousness.
i have built a wall around my loved ones and i have broken millions of my rules. i have allowed issues to go to bed with me at night and wak up with me - not healthy.

so with today being the first day of spring all the way this side: welcome to me!!!
(over the next few days, allow me to take you on a journey of my life, love and all the inbetween)

2 friends got engaged recently and my boyfriend seems to be more in love with me then i thought possible. i fel it, i see it and damn i want it. love him too much too.

I think this is it

a while back, i went on and on about how it seems like im just stuck. stuck at the Job. stuck at home and stuck with life in general. it felt like i had reached the roof and there was nowhere left to go but down where i would finally become like the masses - tiered and watching life move on while i sit on the side lines. that i would become part of the majority people that are doing life simply because thay have to and who simply go through the motions.

but i think thats changing. for the past couple of weeks, my senior seems to have taken me under his wing. he invites me to all these meetings for a new project, he fills me in on the progress and emails he gets regarding that project. its shoking yes but i think my potential has shined through and he has seen it. as we speak (write), im preparing for a presentation he has tasked me with - he has never and it is kinda exciting.
i'll fill you all in on how that is going.

on the love front well... i dont know.
little by little i'm learning of what a diffrent child hood my man had. from where i am, it seems like a troubled one (if i may say so). he tells of how he has had to fend for himself and how he has been his own parent for the longest time. his mom is around yes but thats jusr how it was... i on the other hand come from a family saturated withlove. i can skip a day out with the girls to chill with my mom and she and i laugh and joke around about everything. i have both my parents and i have an amazing relationship with them.
we are two parellel people and we are trying to get something going.

dont get me wrong.
im not saying its impossible or that im throwing in the towel but i am recogniseing the instant challenges that that posess. i realise that some of the things that are the driving force behind me (like family BBQs and weddings) are not his thing not because he is being funny but because he dosnt know of such things. the things that i may want to do that involve family, he find uncomfortable because he knows nothing of the sort.

with all that said - it just makes me want to love him more for for the longest time i was looking out for someone who would fall in love with me and not some idea o me or because of the things that they see and think i have. i have come to hate people who meet my parents, love them and from that decide they love me for hope that they can be part of the family. then here he comes, realises we are from diffent backgrounds, realises the challange he is walkng into and stll fall in love and wants to be with me...

how can i not love him...
this, ladies and gents, is it - my life finally takes off (a bit shaky at the moment but i know it shall be smooth sailing soon)

Could it be that I'm that type?

Ever noticed how these woman that appear to have it all - how they all have a major flaw in common? All their romantic relationships suck...like mine.

for a 22 year-old, i like to think that im pretty comfy. i have a grate job, with the potential to grow. i have grate parents lus an even more amazing relationship with them. i have an ok ircle of multy friends and i have the envey of my peers who view me from far and think i have it made.

everything is all rosy exept for one thing: my love life.
i seem not to be getting it. i seem to always mess up and that fear of messing is creeping up. could it be that im maybe not cut out for a relationship? also my bf is worried that we seem to have lost our connection... says he feels like he is not myfriend anymore...
is it posible that when we made the move fom being friends to lovers, somewhere there i lost the plot?

what do i do..... hummmmm what the hell do i do now...

touching ground...

hello to yu all
i agree its been a while.

at one stage my life seemed to take off and never stopped and now finally, i have hit the ground in realizing that love, life and everything else is not as hunky-dorey as we would like to believe.
appart from the fact that my waight seems to be recruiting more fat to make an even tighter and bigger community, my love life has too started speaking a language i was not taught.

i dont know: what is it about men that makes them inapable of saying it when they hae issues or when something is bothering them. they go around saying that they are all good yet their actions speak an totaly diffrent thing...
he is doing that pull away thing again after i have told him in my most calmest voice that hate it with the biggest passion ever invented/felt for anything. i dont know...

today is our 4 month anivesary and things are awkward. when he gets in this state of mind i just dont know how it is that im supposed to react. i have decided and accepted yes that this is a part of him that im gonna have to live with. that every once in a while he will get into major shut off mode but question is: di i back off and give him space? do i ignore it and carry on as normarl? do i b**** and moan about it or do i simply just ... i dont know!!!! does he even realise that he does it?

hu!!!

signs...

i dont know.

maybe that is whats finally happening.

i think finally after years of hectic love struck love, im finally getting over it - only a little though.



i have been in love with Gary for the longest time and i was/am convinced that he is the only man for me and that i will be happy only when i'm with him but lately...


its strange but i find that im not so obssesed about him as before.im a lot calmer and need him less. there are days when im so comfortable with not calling him and him not calling. i have no issues with going the whole week without talking to him and wel have even stopped expecting that i will see him during the wekend or even that he will call me up to make plans (he has never).
i have this idea that now that he has me back, he has switched off all the romance or whatever it is that has men calling every moment and them having all those goo goo ga ga names for you. funny - cant even remember when he last said he loved me first...

the strangest most wierdest part of it all is that - i aint even super upset about it. if theman dosnt want to then hell wh the hell would i want to convince him other wise right...

at this moment, for all i care, the man that had me convinced that forever exists can wither up and... DIE (metophorically)

The 3 P's of Love

ok ok so having read through the first 2 chapters of the book (Act like a lady, Think like a man) i have a couple of things to check through.

The book discribes what it calls the 3 P's of love: Profess, Protect & Provide.
while reading through them i couldnt help but check What Steve Harvey says against my man.

let me brake it down:



PROFESS: when a man is in love with you or is serious about you he will have a title for you. these are titles such as baby, my woman, my lady, my girlfriend etc. these are the titles that he will introduce you to people using or put it in some conversations just so to convay the idea that he is with someone and that you are taken. he will show this in public and will actually even take the effort to introduce you to everyone. HE WANTS EVERYONE TO GET THAT BOTH YOU AND HIM ARE TAKEN - BY EACH OTHER

MY MAN:

well thats where it all started. its like he went out of his way to get my attention by doing these little things not limited to private settings (like the time he took off my heels when i complined that my feet were killing me. he went down on one knee in front of everyone and he took thm off for me). then things got even worse when he was campaining that we try again. after church service, he would be by my side. he would save seats for me next to him and pull me closer when hanging out with his roomies. these things of cuse would not confuse a passer by as to what was going on between us. not that he would say it out laud but i would like to take that as his way of doing it esp. cause its not limited to one time. besides, he says certain things that claim me as his. his actions are screeming louder then his word.

Result: PASS (with flying colours)

PROTECT: as in the animal kingdom, a male will at all times protect his own. men are brought up to know that he should go to all lengths to protect his own. his family shall not be thretened and he just sit back and do nothing. at times even though it seems like there is not much he can do, he will do something. its in his make up, its his place. if he trully loves you, he will protect you.

MY MAN:

now this was a little dificult to do. finding where he does this that is. see the thing about that man of mine is that he aint no fusser. he does not get worked up over anything and he will not over react to anything. he stays calm and will just walk away. just as i was starting on a new bout of depression, it hits me. there was and incident once where i suppose he failed to kep it together and nature took over. remember the event with my friend? thats when he got all crazy. yeah... thats it. back then i was not with him yet i suppose he felt the nedd to claim over me and protect me from potentials. then there is the little irritation he showed when i kept telling him about some dude who just wont leave me alone. so the man does love me. and even though at times he may not give in to showing that he wants to protect me, he does...!!! lol

Result: Pass(scraping through)

PROVIDE: now a man will provide for his own. his natural role is being the brad winner. be the one who will make sure that everyone is taken care of. this means he wil pay the bills. he will pay for dinner or the movie ticket or whatever needs to be taken care of. this oes not mean that he has to be rolling in ti. even when he is broke he will find ways to provide. maybe fix something of yours that is broken or even call in fvors with friends when you need help with something that he cant do.

MY MAN:

UM UM UMM. this is still something we will have to work on with him. look he does do the movie ticket and all and yes he isnt exactly rolling in it. he does though get the things i like when i come over like once in a while get me that slice of chocolate cake or even a slap to share. thats all rosy and all but i would like to keep an eye out for this just to find more proof.

Result: Re-eveluate.

CONCLUTION:

he may not be perfect and he may not have it all but one thing is for sure - he oes love me. at times i dont get what level he is on r what is going on in his head but love me he does.

i suppose its not that i needed some book to prove that. i think i spent so much time worried and looking out or all those obviously visible huge things that i missed the real, from the heart smaller things. one of the reasons im still around after all the drama and tears i have been trough for this man, is ecause i cant imagin my life with anyone but him. as much as it at times freaks me out to hear him talk about future us the one moment and nothing the next, the one major thing is that he loves me and i just need to trust in that.

Personal note: baby, i may be a little psycho at times but deep down know that i know that you love me. for all that and a bit more you may do unknown to me - THANK YOU.