I'm singing in the Rain!!!

i look around me and it seems like most things (and people) are just falling apart but not me...

dear fans... it has finally happened

I'm content

its amazing how when a huge part of your life becomes balanced so does all the other stuff. i'm crazy about the new man in my life. i love every little inch of him and i love the way he makes me feel.

in about a weeks time he leaves to go to another area to go do his vocational work. im a little sad but not worried.

he has mentioned the word love and me in the same sentence in a couple of his mails and i am loving that.

i walk around with a huge grin on my face hoping and wishing that all could last forever.

we went out this past friday with a couple of his friends and a friend of mine. i had such a good time. i love the way he notices me with subtle things like at this one moment he and his friend were trying to decide where we would go have supper and while they were talking, he comes up behind me and wrappes his arms around me - now that gave me such a high. he is absolutely amazing.

plese excuse me while i go sing in the rain...

Is this man for real?

so it has been like only a few days and this man has done amazing things that are driving me insanely into him like big time.

he sent an e-mail today to inquire about weekend plans and he referd to me as his love... i dont know how long i just steard ant those words because they made everything ok...

i cant help but compair all that he does to what Gary did during our 4 month relationship and i must say that in less than a week, Sean is winning hands down. i love the way he is taking the effort. we speak everyday and the other night he said he has a rose that he is looking after for me. says he cant wait to see me so he can give it to me but in the mean time he hopes that it will grow to resemble my beauty....

(yes that took my breath away)

he seems so unreal but im loving every moment im spending with him. he is sweet and kind and willing.

how crazy is this?

SO i woke up Saturday morning, a single, semi indipendent woman looking for nothing in the field of love and dating and went on with my daily activities.



THEN i went to bed Saturday night, an indipendent woman who was in an amazingly grate relationship with an amazing down to earth man. i had now become sombody's girl friend and he loved it.



HOW IT ALL CAME ABOUT? well remember that guy i told you a while back that i had met - the one who wants to know what my favorate colour is - well he now is my man and im crazy about him (we shall call him Sean). a bunch of us went out for pizza saturday afternoon and the conversation got heavy when we talked about relationships. well the guys did not agree with the things i said but at the end we all agreed that they were complecated and how we all were cool with them for the time being. then this guy went on on how cool/crazy it would be if u could get into a realtionship and decided that on a cirtain date you would brack up and walk your saparate ways... now i thought that was totally insane and so funny. he then gt serious and looked into my eyes and said we should give it a shot...

after a while of getting logic and the voice of reason to shut up and stop screaming "run away fast" i agreed and bam i have a man. this is a relationship that will end on midnight wednesday 31st december...

ever since then i have been on an amazing high. he smsd and referd to me as baby and my heart skipped a beat. we talked on the phone and he referd me as his gf and it felt so good.
i wonder how all this is going to pan out but what i do know is that Seaun and i have to cram as much of a blast as possible in exactly 2 months and 18 days...

i'll keep you posted.

Random Thoughts

its amazing how through bad expiriance and hard leasons we are able to adapt to whatever it is that we have to.

it has been a couple of weeks now and i have been going sterdy but strong. in the last 2 weeks or so, i have spent a some cash on vemping up my wordrope and i must say that even though most of the stuff is still stuck somewhere at the back of my closet, i am proud of myself.

next i want to fix up my car. in those few weeks i have travelled a lot and found new areas i am going to be going back to for sure, so the way i see it, i cant have a strange looking car with funny sounds. so now with my next pay check, a large sum of it is going into fixing up my ride and adding on a few extra new features.

then there is the proof that i have found that says " this girl has walked away"
i once again was in the season with Gary and he did what he always does when he has no other bimbo to turn to and once again realizes how appealing to him i am. last week he flerted like no one's business and even called just to chat. then on a very cold day, he made remarks about how it would be nice to share a blanket with me in this cold weather (ok ok i admit, the thought of that had me blushing) but nope... it did not have me caving in like so many times before. i simply laughed it off, flerted a bit in return but left him hanging. the next time i saw him, he was brief with me and made no long eye contact like he always does. i see him again tonight and i wonder what he will do. wow i must say that it feels grate though to finally not be feeling bad that he left me. i see the way the man looks at me when i'm straughting my stuff and i would give a bit to know what he is thinking although actions do speak loder than words. wow i am finally free and it feels grate.

i wonder if the time that i am taking off for the healing will end some of the trust doubts that i have. will there ever come a time when i will not compair every little new expiriace to the scaring that Gary has done. let me explain:
well remember i told you about meeting a certain guy....? now we shall refer to him as SAM. thing is, despite what i or he may say, there is a huge attraction between us and yes when we are around each othere the sparks do fly buy with every thing that he says or does i am left wondering if he is for real. no i am not saying that he should be all googoo ga ga over me or anything but you know the little things that he does only for me. i was with him this past weekend and he kept laying the flirting on very strong but each time i kept pushing him away that at the end he gave up... i know, i know.

im sitting here wondering if i should explain to him that im a mess at the moment. yo i have started that email so many times but each time i keep finding just reason why to just leave it. yes i am bottling up and not ready to open all that up to him as yet.

ok ok enough of the gloom...
i hope things do sort themseves out with time though cause yo... this is not a place i wanna be at!!!

Its been a while...

wow its been like ages since i last updated... so if you give me a minute i will try put everything in a post...

1. the case with Gary effect on me has finally progressed in to the walk of shame (for those nasty emotions) and i know for a fact the i am getting over him beautifully. i have noticed that this hot and cold times that he goes through are like part of him like for example the one moment he will be flirting terribly and then the next he has completely switched and is as cold as Alaska???!!! so well anyway gone are the days when that made me feel strange and all upset and feeling like its all my fault because i ain't good enough.

i am now at a point where i acknowledge that i still like him but dint want him back and i am so sure about that. to the extent that i think i have become immune to most of his attempts to flirt or get my attention. wow it feels good i must say.

about a week or so back a good friend who left town like a short while before Gary happened came to visit and we had this catch up session where i told her all that has been happening with Gary and while telling her the whole story i realised that shoo it has been a lot and i didnt know how the hell i was able to go through all that. i mean telling her was like recapping a movie or something cause it seemed so unreal. looking back, i never thought i would get to this stage where i am ok with all and i can now look at him and think "damn he is hott" but want nothing at all. the urge to want to impress him with looking hott when going to church has also started getting cold. nowadays i feel like a new woman...

i feel like a new woman because i have taken up an oath to look hot simply because i am. i don't wanna wait for occasions anymore and i dont want the reason to be a man anymore but simply because i can and i want to.

2. i met a guy! he is perfect. he makes me laugh and is amazingly honest.

we met a while back and at first i didn't look at him that way. he tried flirting and i wouldn't have any of it. but as time went on he grew on me esp cause from the first day he was so honest with everything even on things that he really did have to tell me but he somehow thought i had to know.

through a lot of phone conversations and emails we have established that we both are not ready for anything at the moment and we decided that we would keep in touch. he commented on how much he wants to know more about me. (that gave him like a million points. i mean you tell me which guy in this day and age still wants to concentrate on those small things?)

we went out about a week back with his other two friends and i had such a good time. he did the things that only the guys in the soppy movies did and he made me feel amazing. at the end of the evening he totally blew me away with a kiss and i still am tyring to catch my breath...

... then in a very nasty twist of events that kiss which had me flying high, opened up so many wounds that i just started to go insane. all of a sudden, i was doubting everything and his intentions. he didn't call or sms or email and i just got flash backs of Gary. when he did finally email, he seemed distant and cold just like Gary and i went in to a fit of deleting all his contacts and i wouldn't listen to the voice of reason from my friend.

that whole experience just went to show me that i was extremely hurt and that the statement that i was not ready was real and deep. its like i expected him to act like Gary and i just seemed to want to mess things up. well luckily for me i didn't say anything stupid to him so he doesn't know that i lost it at one point all because of the kiss.

things are back to normal now and last night we spoke on the phone like old friends.

i like him and i wanna keep him around. i wanna do this right and when i finally go exclusive with him - if it gets there - i want it to be right and away from traces of my past betrails.

i believe that i can get there and am optimistic about it.

i also want to get rid of the habit i have to want to push things along. it seems like while I'm looking at moving on to the next step i miss so much of the current one and hence don't enjoy it as much as i should be.

shoo what a lot... I'm thinking i should stop here...

What now....

i must say that things are looking so much better these days. its starange cause the urge to call him is not as bad as it has always been whenever i decide to walk away. my heart does still mis a beat when my phone rings and i do have this secret longing to just know that he can see something is up and actually miss me. but its ok. i feel no funny tension towards him or anything. i joke around with him and thats it.

yesterday at church i got so upset at myself because...
i got there and i looked dashing, with a short skirt and killer peep toes and i felt grate but i walked in and he wasnt ther. man that was a bummer. when i realized how much this had changed my mood - it was an even bigger bummer beacuse i dont want to do that anymore. in theory, i want to be able to look good just for me and my secret admires and not mainly for him. he came later and i did catch him looking at me twice. but i'm glad the urge to call has subsided and soon will be a thing in the past.

something else happend...

i met a guy. i know i know that i said i had left the dating field but this guy did something unique. he noticed my eyes and said they were pretty. he asked for my pic. he is an engineer and is kinda cute. he has this nasty laugh though and i dont like the shape of his head but its not a train smash. ok ok he has me behaving like a love stricken teenager but that ok.... i think i deserve a pick me up and well what better way to get that them from a man who met me for the first time and noticed my eyes. we met like three days ago but he has already called twice to check up on me.

ok ok i'll stop right there.

Happly ever after is not real...

Letter:

Dear_____________

Wow where do I start…

As strange as it may seem but I believe in fairy tales… or at least I used to.

To me what has always made sense was the idea of happily ever after, you know the guy meets girl and falls madly in love with her. He shows her, as impossible as it may sometimes seem - that they belong together. She agrees and they live happily ever after.

Now I have let that idea go with me through life and it has helped me stand up and dust myself off and try again every time when I have had my heart broken. I say it may seem strange, because to many, something like that is impossible. In the tale, the man goes to all lengths for the woman who he loves and he falls in love with every little thing that makes her up. He loves the way she smiles and the way that she looks when she is upset. He falls for the way she gets so worked up over the smallest of things or the way that she cracks up at the most stupid yet insignificant of things. He loves the way she calls him like 10 times a day and never gets tired of it. When she is unhappy he becomes unhappy and when she cries he is always there to hold her tight and tell her that everything will be ok even though to him it may be so clear that they won’t. Life without her is an impossible something to him because he realizes that she forms such a huge part of his life to the extent that without her, he just isn’t. When she says “I love you” everything in his world is ok.

Many have said that something like that is simply what it is meant to be – a fairy tale that will never come true…

… Sadly I am beginning to see what they mean and it hurts.

I’m tired of dusting myself off because my dress has simply gotten too dirty for me to still hold my head up and carry on with no hint of bitterness.
I look back on the last couple of months and I notice how they have been so enveloped around this one man. I thought I liked him but that is simply an under statement. I fell in love.

When we turn bitter, it simply means that we hold on to this one bad experience and even though we may say that we are over it, we really are not. From that point onwards what ever happens along the same line will always be graded on this one experience and no one ever is able to change that. I used to feel so sorry for woman who let things get to that stage yet… I sit here today and I have let the very same thing happen to me. I have finally turned bitter towards men and I doubt if it will be changed or should I rather say – I doubt if I will ever allow anybody to change that.

I woke up this morning and I had this fantasy running in my head where a guy who has been seeing me from a distance for a while now finally approaches me and lays it all out in the open. He tells me from the get go that he thinks I’m amazing and that he now has gathered up enough courage to come up to me and talk to me. He says he wants to get to know me better. I smile. And he says that smile is something he has seen so many times and he has lost count of how many times he has prayed that I will flash him that smile one day…..

Reality hit and I remembered that I have sworn off men for life.

So here is a fairy tale situation that automatically played in my head and here is my heart screaming ENOUGH with a loud speaker.

Looking down at my worn, dirty dress (from all the falling and dusting off) and thinking of how difficult it is for me to find, pick up and put together the pieces of my shattered heart, I unfortunately now finally give up on my idea of a happily ever after and join the masses in saying…

Fairy Tales do not exist…


Signed: a member of the real world