Now i know but question is... "what do i do about it"

hola...

the past few weeks have been crazy - filed with pain, hurting and a whole lot of tears.
see, my other half has bot changed for the better. instead he has gotten worse and it dosnt look like its going away anytime soon.

so me being me, there i went on a mission to find the issue and sort it out. i spoke to friends and him and it wasnt till this passed sunday that the tiny spek of light appeard in this long dark tunnel i've been in for too long.
i have a friend and she was diagnossed with depression a little while back.we spoke a long time on the phone and as she went on to tell me all that she had been through before and directly after her dignosses, the more the tears just welled up and kept on comming.
see, all the things that she says she did and felt are exactly what my man is doing.
the more she spoke the more i realized that all the things that my bf had been going through are not because he was being an ass or something or maybe even that there i something wrong with me. my man is sick and cant controll his actions: he is depressed or atleast at the begining stages of it.

i know this and have been reading up on it. thing is, he dosnt know that that is what is wrong with him (to him, he is a worthles individual who is not good enough for me or anything).

so now, the question remains "what do i do about it"
"try and help him!" i hear you shout?
well how cn i when he makes it so dfficult for me to se him and i dont wnt to talk about this over the phone...

i cant carry on like this

This is not what it is supposed to be like and frankly I'm sick of it.
See my love, the idea was that because you exude this fee spirit and relaxed attitude, you were supposed to gel with me and hopefully rub off on me so as to complement my free spirit but it seems like I have had the rug pulled from under my feet cause hell this is crap.
What is this with you and all the hidden issues? There is no way I can compete with your past esp. since I know nothing about it and even now, about 6 months later, you still refuse to let me in on. For a man who has it in his head that I'm perfect for him and you want to marry me, you sure have a very funny way of showing it. I will not thrive on hidden agendas and secrets that I have no idea of.
Its already bad enough that I come from a world completely parallel from yours and I have every desire to understand and learn about your world but I cant walk around in the dark no more – you need to let me in and guide me at least for the first time.
I would like to believe that I'm the type of woman made of that really strong tuff that can take and handle a lot but its times like this when I know I have reached my limit.
I cant carry on like this and its time I let you know.

The "S" word

it has been a while...

i was brought up under very stict religious beliefs that have now also become my own beliefs so yes to a lot of people's jaw hanging response: I DO NOT BELIEVE IN SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE.

at this current moment, i am 22 years, 3 months and 7 days old and yes i have nevr had sex before (have come close a couple of times but...). please do not be confussed by this. i would like to think that even in my state of being clueless, i am very in touch with my sexual side.

i bring this up at this moment because my boyfriend and i got down to discussing the finer details of this subject. i do not look at this as an impedimant on my side cause i fully undersatand my reasns for waiting but ofcause with all unknown things, a certain level of nervousness comes along and all these questions pop up.

i have no doubt in my head that this is the man that i want to marry and ofcause that means he is the one that i want to loose it to as well but i can help feel a little pissed at times imagining the traumor that come with that first time. all the what ifs and maybes.

• what if im not good at it? (ok sure time will tell and expiriance will come with much grater enjoyment) but
• what if i dont enjoy it at all? (well then i wouldnt know what its supposed to be like so ziltch disappointment) but
• what if its terrible for him and he becomes misrable all his life?
• will it hurt that much? (having read up on all bilogical things that should take place...)
• what if cant stand being with him intimatly like that.
• what if it gets all embarrasing and awkward? (well i have made it clear to him that he will have to be gentil with me considering my verginity)

he goes on about how he is looking foward to our honeymoon and all im thinking is - heck i can so wait considering what i am about to go through.

people... this is the kind of thinking that will ensure that i loose it.

plese excuse me while i go slit my wrists.

The Art of Fab...

So as routine wuld have it... there i go falling into a rut of total bordem and suicidel (as per my deffination) actions.



so i have decided: today is a new day and i shall treat it as such. i have a couple of things that i need to set and keep in motion to ensure the succesful transition from the glossy-eyed teenager to the young adult that i am that oozes fabulesness (wow that sounds wierd).

so it begins:

• Daily mission to so rock the world everyday.

think about it - we all go around following this and that. i think its time i did my thing and let everyone follow me for once... (makes perfect sense to me)

• Bigger commitment to lough out loud.

think about it - it seems that we spend far too much time frowning and complaining about things that we cannot change - enough i say (LOL)!!! no more. from here on i hall LOL instead of lol... (see the diffrence?) (wow - feel better already).

• Love a lot more harder

this applies to all the people around me. it goes from my mn to my family and to friends. see the thing about this love thing is that the more of it that you give the more you get inreturn (not nessesarily from the person you gave to initially). my man has been amazing and at times i dont know how to thank him in a way that he would realise how truely awesom he is so inreturn to all that he has done for me, i shall love him a whole lot more (includint the other people around me)

for now, these are the objectives - one step at a time right. so there you have it.

have any of your own?

im coming

ladies and gentelmen, after months in the making i would like to introduce you to: ME!
this is the me beyond the fear. this is the me over the insecurties. this is the me that would love to do it all and can/will and this is the me that has my boyfriend singing my praises to strangers.

its been a long time comming. i have spent so much time all angry and hurt and upset and stressed and afraid - notice how all these things dont really pronote good health and total fabulousness.
i have built a wall around my loved ones and i have broken millions of my rules. i have allowed issues to go to bed with me at night and wak up with me - not healthy.

so with today being the first day of spring all the way this side: welcome to me!!!
(over the next few days, allow me to take you on a journey of my life, love and all the inbetween)

2 friends got engaged recently and my boyfriend seems to be more in love with me then i thought possible. i fel it, i see it and damn i want it. love him too much too.

I think this is it

a while back, i went on and on about how it seems like im just stuck. stuck at the Job. stuck at home and stuck with life in general. it felt like i had reached the roof and there was nowhere left to go but down where i would finally become like the masses - tiered and watching life move on while i sit on the side lines. that i would become part of the majority people that are doing life simply because thay have to and who simply go through the motions.

but i think thats changing. for the past couple of weeks, my senior seems to have taken me under his wing. he invites me to all these meetings for a new project, he fills me in on the progress and emails he gets regarding that project. its shoking yes but i think my potential has shined through and he has seen it. as we speak (write), im preparing for a presentation he has tasked me with - he has never and it is kinda exciting.
i'll fill you all in on how that is going.

on the love front well... i dont know.
little by little i'm learning of what a diffrent child hood my man had. from where i am, it seems like a troubled one (if i may say so). he tells of how he has had to fend for himself and how he has been his own parent for the longest time. his mom is around yes but thats jusr how it was... i on the other hand come from a family saturated withlove. i can skip a day out with the girls to chill with my mom and she and i laugh and joke around about everything. i have both my parents and i have an amazing relationship with them.
we are two parellel people and we are trying to get something going.

dont get me wrong.
im not saying its impossible or that im throwing in the towel but i am recogniseing the instant challenges that that posess. i realise that some of the things that are the driving force behind me (like family BBQs and weddings) are not his thing not because he is being funny but because he dosnt know of such things. the things that i may want to do that involve family, he find uncomfortable because he knows nothing of the sort.

with all that said - it just makes me want to love him more for for the longest time i was looking out for someone who would fall in love with me and not some idea o me or because of the things that they see and think i have. i have come to hate people who meet my parents, love them and from that decide they love me for hope that they can be part of the family. then here he comes, realises we are from diffent backgrounds, realises the challange he is walkng into and stll fall in love and wants to be with me...

how can i not love him...
this, ladies and gents, is it - my life finally takes off (a bit shaky at the moment but i know it shall be smooth sailing soon)

Could it be that I'm that type?

Ever noticed how these woman that appear to have it all - how they all have a major flaw in common? All their romantic relationships suck...like mine.

for a 22 year-old, i like to think that im pretty comfy. i have a grate job, with the potential to grow. i have grate parents lus an even more amazing relationship with them. i have an ok ircle of multy friends and i have the envey of my peers who view me from far and think i have it made.

everything is all rosy exept for one thing: my love life.
i seem not to be getting it. i seem to always mess up and that fear of messing is creeping up. could it be that im maybe not cut out for a relationship? also my bf is worried that we seem to have lost our connection... says he feels like he is not myfriend anymore...
is it posible that when we made the move fom being friends to lovers, somewhere there i lost the plot?

what do i do..... hummmmm what the hell do i do now...