The grass IS greener on the other side

i must say the the road to healing is an amazing one.

i look back now on a couple of weeks ago and i could have never known i would ever make it to where i am now. back then i could just see black with no cahnce of being happy real deep down. these days, whats important to me is to embrace all the things that mean the most to me. things such as family and friends. i have decided to make as much memories as possible and get this thing called my life moving...

i met a guy...
now i dont want to get too ahead of my self and go on about just how much i'm in love and cant imagin the rest of my life with out him but its a start. if there is something new that i have learned from the last time its that i should let everything happen at its own pace. i have a tendency to want to move things along and let them happen faster but that has only lead to things happening without intending to and that brings all these unsure things and later into a realization that this is not what we really want. SHO!!

look for all we know it could turn out to be nothing but if it were to become something... i think i would want to let him take full control with how things should go and make sure what it is that he is looking for.

Do or die...

Its finally here...


the day when i will see my ex after all this time. today will be the true test as to wheather i am over him or not. i remember Madea tell Helen in "diary of a mad black woman" that you can tell if you are over someone when you dont take an oportunity to get back at them when one comes up. Wonder what i will do...

well i know for a fact that i am not over the dude thats for sure but now how much of an impact will it make when i see him? what will be his reaction? did he miss me? do i want him to miss me? what do i want?

...

Finally...

wow i never thought it would happen but it has finally.

i woke up this morning and i realized just how so much happier i am. i smile from the bottom of my heart and i laugh out loud at the things that are simple. i'm loving every minute of this...

is it temporary? well i dont know because i realize that even though i am on a high now i know that there will come something that will nock me off again then i will be back to my doom and gloom days. but well untill then i know i am happy now and plan to keep it that way.

i cant remember when last i felt this amazing... wow!!

Realization

Hello world

i just came back from a well deserved leave from work and i took a long trip away so that i can clear this head of mine. it did a whole lot of good plus i came to realize a few things and accepted a whole lot.

have you ever realised that our emotions don't understand our language? i mean think about it - why is it that we always fall for the that guy that we dont want to fall for or even that guy who we know will never look our way (ie: celebs).
in my case i have seen that while i try by all means to get over this guy i just seem to have some stuff that i hold on to. i mean in what language should i shout it to my emotions that its time to move on. i wanna go explore new things and new people but not in the opinon of my emotions. they still want to hold on to this looser and still think he is God's gift to woman.

i also decided not to fight it. i mean as much as i wouldn't want to admit it - i still like him a lot and still think he is very hott (even though i haven'y seen him in a while. i hope he got in the line of something nasty and has this huge scare doen his face that makes him look like a freak). what i am tring to say is that i think will be so much easier if i accept that i still have the hearts for him and believe that they will fade away soon.
CONFESSION: i now that this sounds nasty and psyco but i'm not sure how i will react or what i will say if he asks me to give it another shot. i mean he still has all the things that i fell for and even though i know now his negetive traits but none of them have turned me away. my emotions simply dont get it.

i also realized that i am way too beautyful and hot to waste my time pinning for something thats gone. i know though that i want to refarin from dating for a while now while i find my ground again i'm moving on in life and a dull mood is not part of the package.

therfore raise it up... TO A YEAR FILLED WITH A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE, LAUGHTER AND HOTT INCOUNTERS.

Today was a bad day...

i woke up this morning and i was angry...

when will it stop?

i was angry because i saw him the previous day and i was nice. i didn't say much to him but for the fact that i smiled said hi and walked away. i hate the fact that we carry on as if nothing is happening. i hate the fact that i still waste my niceness on scum like him. i wanted to see him and show him that i hate him. i wanted him to see that i was angry and that it was all his fault.

i went out on saturday for a hang out session with friends and even though it was good company and a whole lot of laugter i could not fully be free and enjoy it because i was so angry (didn't show it to the people that i was with though)

What does the word betrayal mean to you...?

for the past two days i have been in an emotional hell and slowly but surely am finally packing my bags to leave that place.
i walk around in a constant sate of near tears and everytime i see an act of betrayal - weather it be on TV or in real life - i feel the tears well up. (i have even stoped wearing eye makeup for fear that i will end up looking like a freak).


i hate him... i hate so much it hurts. i just dont get it. is this how it feels to be cheeted on. i mean i feel like i have been because he said he still loves me. he kissed me...

How do we move from there to him likeing someone else. not only like but even making a move. is it not me that he likes. is it not me that he loves?

IDIOT has done it for the last time...

I am a 21 year old succesfull girl who has obtaind a lot more then some of my peers. I work and have a car. I live on my own in a cottage at the back of our house and earn enough for a comfortable life. i have tons of friends and a few really close ones that i love to bits... i'm layd back, i love hard and i laugh loud. I have crazy hobbies and food is one of the most important things in my life... Basically i am healthy, loud and enjoy it all

here is what i dont understand - how is it possible that i am stuck on some idiot who obvously does not get my worth? I know i give my all in all my relationships with everyone and i gave him the best.this dude has found ways to brake me down and still keeps a smill on his face..

he broke up with me cause he has issues that he needs to get sorted and doesn't want me caught in the middle. i understood all that and thought the world of him cause he thought of my feelings. anyway so it carried on - me still going goo goo gaga over him and having it in my head that the man loves me. man was i wrong

RECENTLY: told me last week that he still thinks i'm hott and gives me a look (i go weak at the knees) so i'm thinking damn this dude still really loves me hmmm i wonder if he has his issues sorted out. at the same time there is this girl that he is constantly hanging with but now this girl is a visitor and i know the last time she was after another friend of mine. so i'm thinking that skank how dare she thinks she will get her nails in my man. anyway so i start a personal hate parade against this chick.

then today it all falls into place - so i'm chatting to one of his friends (the friend that this girl wanted the last time she was here) via IM and i innosently ask if he is going to make a move on her this time around and he says he is not intrested (i'm jumping for joy inside going - there u go u little *it** - no one wants you). he carries on saying that IDIOT commented that he is letting a good thing go - refering to this girl. so again i ask innosently. well what was IDIOT tring to say and he lays it down... tells me that he ment that he was going to move in. i send a supprised IM back and a smile to say oh well whatever but inside the power goes off. i'm thinking WHAT!!! thats just not possible because this IDIOT just dropped huge hints that he still likes me just last week. how could he be making a move.

So i'm at the office with tears welling up then i remember that oh crap i have eye liner on meaning if i shed even a drop i risk looking like a racoon later. So what does a gir do in times like this hu... the idiot was already making a move when he was giving me goo goo gaga looks.

i hate him so much right now - i really trully hate him

man are such doggs and thear is no hope for him... but man it is on... i will make him wish he had never and it will be so suttle it will knock him right away.

PS: IDIOT refers to Gary