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Dear followers...

with the changing of age and the tiny revamps that we seem to always get wrapped up in, i have started a new blog. Confessions of a girl on top - its called.

this i think is a better representation of me and i would love you all to follow me over to this new one too. love to hear your comments!

thanks for the love so far!

Your days are numberd

I have decided that since sitting here and stressing about this whole situation is not exactly making me any thinner, I will rock the man’s world just as much as mine has been rocked. I shall not wait for a time when it is convenient for him, I shall go ahead and be as inconsiderate as my heart pleases. Who the hell doe he think he is any way and why the hell should he go on and on all chirpy while I stress?????

I am so angry at him right now I could blow.

I'm just waiting now for a time when he will most probably be home for lunch and throw him with the most terrible of question ever for lunch time : do you still love me???
I have responses ready for either answer and even for if he asks to talk about it later. I will be firm and super mean on the phone and HE WILL CALL later or ELSE!!!!
Its enough now!

Ps: I do fully realize that this line of talking could result in me being single this December but hell so be it. If that’s what is meant to happen then oh so bring it on. I refuse to go through this summer with uncertainty and heart brake. I will be sad yes but relieved more.

Ok here it goes:
12:15 ring…ring…ring (no response) damn.

12:30 ring… ring…ring (still no response) eish.

Oh have no fear. I will find the man and I will turn his world upside down.
The way I see it and the way I'm feeling now, the man has two choices:

• 
  either he says he doesn’t want to be in this anymore, I give him hell and introduce him to irrational me who he has only heard about in my crazy stories and I ensure that he understands how far my reach goes then I let his sorry ass go while I realize that I was so out of his league anyway and that with out me his life will spiral into an empty existence.
• 
  Or he says he still wants to do this, he does still love me, I give him hell – tell him that he needs to shape up or not waist my time with little mood tantrums and attention seeking stunts. He will bring his part into this relationship because he promised that he would and will have to make a huge adjustment into most things. Then as a way forward addition, we will give each other a whole lot more space and try work on our friendship.
  

I am sick of this and I refuse to take any more of it…

12:45: ring ring ring… (nothing) now I'm even more pissed!!!!

(he is out there having fun in the sun while I worry and write damn blog posts about how much I hate him!!!)

Ramblings...

I seem to have picked up a rocking thing that I do whenever I think about him. It manages to make me feel better.
I wanna hurt him
I wanna hurt him way much more then he has hurt me all those times.
I feel like such an idiot.
Thinking that this time would be different for some strange reason. I feel so stupid for giving him another chance to hurt me. Mmmm I wonder if he planned it. Must have I mean for the first 6 months he does all that I want and need. He is extra nice, he calls, he buys me things and does the family thing then bam with no warning, no nothing he breaks my heart and all this after he had gotten me to sell my soul for him.
*to-and-fro*
Cant believe I fell for this again…
I must really be slow or something, I mean who gets their heart broken twice by the same person in the same manner.
He has to pay. I have to get him to pay again and again. Once and for all he has to pay.
I think I'm going to stab him

.... mmmmmmmmmmmm............ lol

I'm writing this to you because I am hoping that I will make some sense of this…
How many times will he carry on to make a fool of me and I just lay back and take it. I think its enough now don’t you? But now, there is no way I can just walk away without some sort of something mean being done. Question is - what? How do I start and make sure it really messes him up. Here I was all worried that the nice man was going through so much and oh my word I was not making it easy. Easy???? For him?????
Its my turn now!
I also want it easy.
I wonder if I finally have lost it… turned psycho that is cause if I have then I fully embrace it.
You made me let down my guard. You said you loved me and you would want nothing more then to be with me forever. You wanted me to be the mother of your kids. You went ahead and told people about us and encouraged me to do the same. I told my family, I told my friends and showed it all to the world that I agreed to be all you want and so much more and now you think you can just drop me like that…lmao
You honestly have me very confused and I am very sorry but I think I may have deceived you. You once said you were afraid of me and wow now you have good reason to be – I'm coming after you – with everything that I have. I'm going to play the victim card for all that it has and I am going to call on all the contacts and added parents that I have in all the correct places and I will take you to the cleaners. I suggest you pack your bags cause I'm kicking you out – this is my place and I refuse to share it with people like you.

Now i know but question is... "what do i do about it"

hola...

the past few weeks have been crazy - filed with pain, hurting and a whole lot of tears.
see, my other half has bot changed for the better. instead he has gotten worse and it dosnt look like its going away anytime soon.

so me being me, there i went on a mission to find the issue and sort it out. i spoke to friends and him and it wasnt till this passed sunday that the tiny spek of light appeard in this long dark tunnel i've been in for too long.
i have a friend and she was diagnossed with depression a little while back.we spoke a long time on the phone and as she went on to tell me all that she had been through before and directly after her dignosses, the more the tears just welled up and kept on comming.
see, all the things that she says she did and felt are exactly what my man is doing.
the more she spoke the more i realized that all the things that my bf had been going through are not because he was being an ass or something or maybe even that there i something wrong with me. my man is sick and cant controll his actions: he is depressed or atleast at the begining stages of it.

i know this and have been reading up on it. thing is, he dosnt know that that is what is wrong with him (to him, he is a worthles individual who is not good enough for me or anything).

so now, the question remains "what do i do about it"
"try and help him!" i hear you shout?
well how cn i when he makes it so dfficult for me to se him and i dont wnt to talk about this over the phone...

i cant carry on like this

This is not what it is supposed to be like and frankly I'm sick of it.
See my love, the idea was that because you exude this fee spirit and relaxed attitude, you were supposed to gel with me and hopefully rub off on me so as to complement my free spirit but it seems like I have had the rug pulled from under my feet cause hell this is crap.
What is this with you and all the hidden issues? There is no way I can compete with your past esp. since I know nothing about it and even now, about 6 months later, you still refuse to let me in on. For a man who has it in his head that I'm perfect for him and you want to marry me, you sure have a very funny way of showing it. I will not thrive on hidden agendas and secrets that I have no idea of.
Its already bad enough that I come from a world completely parallel from yours and I have every desire to understand and learn about your world but I cant walk around in the dark no more – you need to let me in and guide me at least for the first time.
I would like to believe that I'm the type of woman made of that really strong tuff that can take and handle a lot but its times like this when I know I have reached my limit.
I cant carry on like this and its time I let you know.

The "S" word

it has been a while...

i was brought up under very stict religious beliefs that have now also become my own beliefs so yes to a lot of people's jaw hanging response: I DO NOT BELIEVE IN SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE.

at this current moment, i am 22 years, 3 months and 7 days old and yes i have nevr had sex before (have come close a couple of times but...). please do not be confussed by this. i would like to think that even in my state of being clueless, i am very in touch with my sexual side.

i bring this up at this moment because my boyfriend and i got down to discussing the finer details of this subject. i do not look at this as an impedimant on my side cause i fully undersatand my reasns for waiting but ofcause with all unknown things, a certain level of nervousness comes along and all these questions pop up.

i have no doubt in my head that this is the man that i want to marry and ofcause that means he is the one that i want to loose it to as well but i can help feel a little pissed at times imagining the traumor that come with that first time. all the what ifs and maybes.

• what if im not good at it? (ok sure time will tell and expiriance will come with much grater enjoyment) but
• what if i dont enjoy it at all? (well then i wouldnt know what its supposed to be like so ziltch disappointment) but
• what if its terrible for him and he becomes misrable all his life?
• will it hurt that much? (having read up on all bilogical things that should take place...)
• what if cant stand being with him intimatly like that.
• what if it gets all embarrasing and awkward? (well i have made it clear to him that he will have to be gentil with me considering my verginity)

he goes on about how he is looking foward to our honeymoon and all im thinking is - heck i can so wait considering what i am about to go through.

people... this is the kind of thinking that will ensure that i loose it.

plese excuse me while i go slit my wrists.